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Mars are recalling a bunch of your favourite chocolate bars because they’re contaminated with salmonella

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Gary Ogden
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Ooooh, a lovely little Malteaser, pop it in my mouth you naughty piece of work. A cube of Galaxy chocolate? Oh you are a tease! Stick it in here now, you ape! A teeny tiny Minstrel? Don’t mind if I do. Give it here this instant, you fiend! I’m going to gobble it all up and I don’t care whhhooooooooo knows it! Yum yum yum, choccy woccy all over my greedy big mouth. Chomp chomp chomp what a devilish, raunchy boy I am! More more more, lick it up, eat it up – stick a fork in me, I’m a creature!

OH NO I HAVE SHAT MYSELF.

I assume this is what is currently happening all over the country, as Mars (the confectionery company, not the planet) has issued a recall on a number of its products, because, yo, they’ve got salmonella in them.

So one minute you’re happily wolfing down a big sexy bar of Galaxy, rubbing your bare belly and excitedly slapping the sofa on either side with your chocolate covered hands; and the next you’re slapping the sides of the toilet bowl, all colour drained from your legs, a fine dust of enamel raining down from your tightly gritted teeth.

This is because of the salmonella – the symptoms of which include the aforementioned diarrhoea, stomach cramps, fever and puking. These unfortunate side-effects can last up to 72 hours, which is a hella long time to be out of action like this. So, it’s bad, basically. You don’t want it.

There’s no word on how the products got contaminated, but in my experience, it’s probably because of bats or rats or something. It’s always those -ats animals isn’t it? Up to no good, they are.

Anyway. if you’ve bought either a packet of Malteasers, a bar of Galaxy chocolate or some Minstrels, then Mars is urging that you return them to shops. Even throwing them away might be a bad idea, because you might end up getting a smooth flume of juicy fox dung through your letterbox if you leave your bins outside. Best to send it off to quarantine. To Chocolate Heaven. Since 1911.

(Image: iStock)

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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