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Who would win in a fight between Donald Trump and Joe Biden? A boxing expert talks us through the bout

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Mike Rampton
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A boxing expert talks us through a Joe Biden / Donald Trump bout

Today, on Twitter, Donald Trump suggested that if it ever came to it, he could beat Joe Biden in a fight. Both of these men are in their seventies. 

The ‘spat’ began when Biden, speaking at an anti-sexual assault rally in Florida recently, said:

“A guy who ended up becoming our national leader said, ‘I can grab a woman anywhere and she likes it. They asked me if I’d like to debate this gentleman, and I said no. I said, If we were in high school, I’d take him behind the gym and beat the hell out of him.”

Naturally, Donald Trump responded by rising above it and taking the moral high ground.

Is that really how it would go down, though? Trump’s not got the greatest diet in the world, and it’s possible he lies about his weight and is technically obese. To paraphrase Michael Caine, he’s a big man but he’s out of shape. Biden is an elderly man, but knows his sports, eats healthily and works out with the incredibly fit Barack Obama.

We asked Mark “The Burf” Burford, head professional coach at The Ring Boxing Club, to see how the two of them would do if they ever stepped into the boxing ring.

Athleticism

“If you go and look at Donald Trump’s athleticism, there’s not too much of it. He went to a military academy but it seems like it was all talk rather than actual physical achievements. The other kid, Joe Biden, was a highly successful university football player, and also played basketball, and seems to keep himself in good nick. He’s slim, his skin’s good. One tick to Biden.”

Winner: Joe Biden

Taking punches

“Biden’s got that fitness about him but there’s a certain fragility to his look. You wonder how much punishment he can take. He’s run for office and not really been bought into, you know? Donald Trump, on the other hand? Fantastic chin, surrounded by muscle. With all the use he gets out of his jaw, he’s going to take a better shot to it. Complementing that is the fact that his terrible weave of hair has to be supported by very strong neck muscles. In terms of who can take the better punch, the evidence I’ve seen suggests Donald Trump.”

Winner: Donald Trump

A boxing expert talks us through a Joe Biden / Donald Trump bout 2

IIIINNNNN THE RED CORNER

Strategy

“It would be easy to look at the pair of them and make a snap judgement. In terms of being analytical, bright, intelligent and able to strategise, Biden looks like the logical choice. He’s an intelligent guy, an academic. You could never describe Trump as academic, but you’d be silly to ignore his marketing prowess. He’s the sort of kid who knows how to find his way to the target, and there’s more to his strategy skills than meets the eye.”

Winner: Donald Trump

Stamina

“Joe Biden’s been in politics a long time, and has shown himself to be able to stick with it, but in terms of stamina, you’ve got to look at how Trump got elected. He passed about 33 other delegates, then passed Hillary Clinton. He sticks with a fight.”

Winner: Donald Trump

A boxing expert talks us through a Joe Biden / Donald Trump bout 1

IIIINNNNN THE BLUE CORNER

Heart

“Incredibly important in a fight, and Donald Trump doesn’t have one.”

Winner: Joe Biden

Bottle

“The most important category - who out of these two guys has got the most bottle? I’m going to go with Biden. Donald Trump has got two orifices he can shit out of, and that ultimately might be the deciding factor. When push comes to shove, when you’re up against it, Donald Trump isn’t your man. When it’s his neck up for the cut, I think he’d swallow it. Biden to win.”

Winner: Joe Biden

There you have it. Definitive proof that, if the current President of the United States ever stepped into a boxing ring with the former Vice President, when the depressing site of two septuagenarians thumping each other was over, Joe Biden would emerge victorious. 

Good. Ding ding!

(Images: Getty/Rex)

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Mike Rampton

Mike Rampton will be a ghost one day. A really big one.

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