52 weeks of Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson: week 37

While I investigate the latest development in the story of The Rock and the scammers – and trust me, it’s going to be worth it when it lands – I feel a little unsure as to what this week’s missive should consist of. Investigating the scammers story has been a singularly odd experience. While I speak to people deceived by fake Dwayne Johnsons, I am increasingly unsure of my footing. It’s not impossible that I provoked the ire of the Rock scammers and that I am caught up in a scam within a scam, a maze within which it is difficult to distinguish fact from fiction.

I may have said too much, readers. They may be onto me. For now I will have to be careful with my words and operate from the shadows.

Let’s temporarily turn our attention, then, to the analysis of a Dwayne Johnson Instagram post from early Monday morning.

Some observations:

1. Jesus Christ how does one person put that much in their mouth? Earlier that night he had already had enough food to feed a bus full of sharks. I would pay money to watch him eat all of those cookies, if only to see proof that such a feat was humanly possible. Currently I am like a Flat Earther being told that the world is round. I need to see the evidence for myself. At the moment I think I’m being lied to.

2. The time in the photo, as The Rock acknowledges, is 1.30am. Dwayne Johnson is notorious for being in the gym at about 5.30am on the daily, a habit that, it would seem, changes for no man. The evidence before us, Your Honour, is that at 1.30am on a Monday The Rock settled down not just to a plate of five “double milk chocolate and peanut butter chip cookies with creamy peanut butter smothered between the two cookies”, each as big as a regulation-size discus and twice as dense, but he also settled down to watch a documentary that, and I’ve just fact-checked this, lasts two hours and four minutes. If he intends to watch the entire Quincy doc – and, Your Honour, we have no evidence to the contrary – he is going to have finished at 3.34am. Can we assume that he intends to sleep for approximately 90 minutes? If so, let me be the first to say it: The Rock leads an extremely unhealthy lifestyle.

3. Some fascinating captioning here.

(i) “The camera angle makes these nuggets look small, but they’re huge.” I don’t think anyone who sees that photo is under the impression that those massive cookies - for they are cookies, not ‘nuggets’ - are anything less than absolutely massive. I think that most people look at them and think, “Each of those cookies is as big as a regulation-size discus.”

(ii) “they’re just like my nickname after I drink tequila - Big, tasty & heavenly.” OK. Who’s saying this about The Rock after he’s had a glass of tequila? (The amount of tequila he seems to consume is a separate discussion, by the way, and further proof that he leads an unhealthy lifestyle.) Is it The Rock himself that refers to himself as “big, tasty, and heavenly”? If so, what in God’s name is he playing at? He needs to pull himself together because that is embarrassing behaviour for such a public figure, in my opinion.

(iii) “I’ll go to hell for that one…” I didn’t realise that Dwayne Johnson was a religious man. What does he think the Devil will drag him to Hell for? Calling himself big, tasty and heavenly when drunk? I said that was a bit weird but I don’t think it’s up there – or down there, rather – with damnable offences like murder, being an atheist, and sex before marriage. As I’ve established before, if there’s anything The Rock will go to Hell for, it’s laughing at the canine murder of an innocent butterfly.

(iv) “If you ain’t cheatin, then you ain’t eatin’ my friends.” This is presumably some kind of fitness mantra but I’m not on board with it. When I typed the words into Google I discovered this song about oral sex, whose lyrics I’ll paste here for your perusal.

Disgusting!

More than that, however, what does it mean? “If you ain’t cheatin, then you ain’t eatin’ my friends.” Is the implication that people need to eat five discus-sized cookie sandwiches every seven days before they can be described as eating anything at all? That they’re not allowed to eat any food whatsoever if they don’t chow down six kilos of sugary goods while watching a documentary about Quincy Jones? Answers on a postcard, please. Gotta get that one cleared up.

Right. I’ll see you next week, when I will be reporting again on the Dwayne Johnson scammers. Thank you for reading.

Stay hungry, stay humble.

(Illustration: Dan Evans)

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