The day I found out I was lactose intolerant was - and I don’t think I’m exaggerating here - the worst day of my life. I could no longer eat cheese otherwise I would explode, basically. I tried all the fake stuff and the vegan stuff, and none of it cut the mustard - I needed the real kablooie. So I simply ignored the entire medical profession, and ate it. I ate my favourite food and dealt with the consequences - no doctor is going to tell me what to do, and if I die drinking an entire bath of melted cheese, then so be it.
As I’ve grown older, my symptoms have dissipated, and cheese has thankfully fully become a large part of my life once again - as such, I’m always on the lookout for new and exciting cheeses to add to my dairy repertoire. And today I am particularly elated, as I have discovered the world’s best cheese. Yes, the greatest cheese in the entire world, as decided by the World Cheese Awards (where the fuck was my invite to this - I am livid).
And what news to my ears when I found out it was from the UK! No longer are we simply ‘the cheddar idiots’ - now we’re competing on an international scale, and winning! In this case, it’s Lynher Dairies in Cornwall who are the victors, with their prize-nabbing Cornish Kern.
The taste is compared to a Comté or Gruyere, and is a “flaky and almost dry cheese”. The 16-month-matured slab of greatness, which beat over 3000 entries from all over the world, impressed 250 judges after nearly 12 hours of tasting (jealous).
The cheese buyer at Whole Foods Market, Cathy Strange, called the cheese “Visually stunning. You can see the quality of the milk in this cheese and the complexity comes at you in layers and layers.”
Yes, like you, I am now very hungry - so where do I get the blasted thing? Well, if you email Lynher Dairies, they’ll drop you a list of suppliers, so you can get your absolutely essential cheese fix.
Anyway, I’m off to eat ten Cheestrings whole like a competitive-eater sliding hot dogs down their throat. I AM THE CHEESE KING. CUT ME AND I BLEED DAIRYLEA. MY BRAIN IS CHEDDAR, MY LUNGS EDAM. ALL HAIL YOUR NEW CHEESE GOD.