Food & Drink

Costco are selling £4,000 'apocalypse' food kits - here's what's in them

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Gary Ogden
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Costco are selling £4,000 'apocalypse' food kits - here's what's in them 1

Sooner or later, everything’s going to go to shit, isn’t it? The world will explode and we’ll all have to live underground because the surface will be a burning hellscape full of fire monsters and ghosts. This will 100% happen, it’s just a case of when - could be in a hundred years or it could be today.

And if it did happen today, would you be ready? Like sod you would - you’d be a ghost in no time. Head on fire, legs and arms pulled off by the flame-beasts - an absolute waste of time, gone in 60 seconds.

So what’s the solution? Well, Costco might have you covered, because they’re selling something with the extremely appetising name of the Nutristore 1-Year Premium Food Kit, and it’s available to you for the paltry price of £4,330. What it is, is a 36,000-serving bundle of food that’ll last a family for an entire year, providing a nutritious three meals a day, totalling 2,000 calories.

You may balk at the price tag, but when you divvy it all up, that’s a puny 12p per portion - a disgusting bargain I think you’ll agree. But what ya getting in your haul? What lovely meals can you make with your spooky food kit with a dubious shelf-life of 25 years?

Well, this:

(72) Hard White Wheat (30 year shelf life) 

(72) White Rice (30 year shelf life) 

(72) Elbow Macaroni Pasta (25 year shelf life) 

(72) Instant Rotini Pasta (25 year shelf life) 

(42) Instant Pinto Bean Flakes (30 year shelf life) 

(36) Instant Black Beans (30 year shelf life) 

(36) Instant Lentils (30 year shelf life) 

(36) Instant Milk (25 year shelf life) 

(36) Dehydrated Potatoes (25 year shelf life) 

(16) Beef TVP (10 year shelf life) 

(16) Chicken TVP (10 year shelf life) 

(12) Freeze-dried Corn (25 year shelf life) 

(8) Freeze-dried Broccoli (25 year shelf life) 

(8) Freeze-dried Green Beans (25 year shelf life) 

(8) Dehydrated Apples (25 year shelf life) 

(8) Butter Powder (5 year shelf life) 

(8) White Sugar (30 year shelf life) 

(8) Brown Sugar (10 year shelf life) 

(6) Dehydrated Carrots (10 year shelf life) 

(6) Freeze-dried Bananas (25 year shelf life) 

(6) Freeze-dried Raspberries (25 year shelf life) 

(6) Freeze-dried Strawberries (25 year shelf life) 

(4) Freeze-dried Onions (25 year shelf life) 

(2) Chicken Bouillon (5 year shelf life) 

(2) Shortening Powder (3 year shelf life) 

(2) Iodized Salt (30 year shelf life)

So yeah, not really one to get the jets flowing, but a pretty varied selection nonetheless. Particularly if you want a shortening powder carbonara or a hard white wheat and butter powder stew - yummy!

All you need to do now is fork out about £60,000 to build an underground bunker with a kitchen to eat it all in. No use having all that food if you’re on fire, is it? 

(Image: Getty)

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the screaming thing though. @garyblogden

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