What do you normally have for Christmas dinner? You have turkey, roast potatoes, stuffing, carrots, Brussels sprouts, pigs in blankets, maybe some parsnips, some cranberry sauce - the list goes on, but doesn’t change much. That’s the traditional Xmas dinner right there.
What do you have after a night out when you are dribbling? You have some chopped up chicken meat, some bread, a bit of lettuce, tomato, chilli sauce, garlic sauce, maybe even a bit of cheese if you’re a princess - the list goes on, but doesn’t change much. That’s the traditional post-pub dinner right there.
So erm, what happens if you mix the two? What happens, if you get a lovely Christmas dinner, and then you shove it the hell into a cocking great kebab? Well, you get the Christmas dinner kebab, obviously, and then you are sick.
Available from Leeds’ I Am Döner, it’s a magical monstrosity containing honey and sage roast turkey with all the trimmings, including Brussel sprouts and parsnip crisps. It’s hell on a plate, basically. Beautiful, tasty, gluttonous hell.
If we boil this all down to the crux of it: yes, would eat.
OK, I realise Leeds may be a long way to travel for many of you, but just think about that thick greasy chode leaking its way down your painfully stretched gullet. Tell me you don’t want it.
Just imagine: there you are, pushing it down with your fist, eyes rolling back so far that you’re staring at your brain, pants just wetting themselves because who cares, who cares anymore - I’m eating a Christmas dinner kebab and have given up. It is clogging my airwaves and I will soon die, but I will die happy. I can feel the gravy in my veins and I fucking love it. I am a human prolapse and I couldn’t ask for a better Christmas present.
If there isn’t one of these creatures in my stocking come December 25th I am going to go APE.
(Image and video: Lucy Forrester)