Jump to Main ContentJump to Primary Navigation
Top

Mars are recalling a bunch of your favourite chocolate bars because they're contaminated with salmonella

maltesers_tasty_temptations.jpg

Ooooh, a lovely little Malteaser, pop it in my mouth you naughty piece of work. A cube of Galaxy chocolate? Oh you are a tease! Stick it in here now, you ape! A teeny tiny Minstrel? Don’t mind if I do. Give it here this instant, you fiend! I’m going to gobble it all up and I don’t care whhhooooooooo knows it! Yum yum yum, choccy woccy all over my greedy big mouth. Chomp chomp chomp what a devilish, raunchy boy I am! More more more, lick it up, eat it up – stick a fork in me, I’m a creature!

OH NO I HAVE SHAT MYSELF.

I assume this is what is currently happening all over the country, as Mars (the confectionery company, not the planet) has issued a recall on a number of its products, because, yo, they’ve got salmonella in them.

So one minute you’re happily wolfing down a big sexy bar of Galaxy, rubbing your bare belly and excitedly slapping the sofa on either side with your chocolate covered hands; and the next you’re slapping the sides of the toilet bowl, all colour drained from your legs, a fine dust of enamel raining down from your tightly gritted teeth.

This is because of the salmonella – the symptoms of which include the aforementioned diarrhoea, stomach cramps, fever and puking. These unfortunate side-effects can last up to 72 hours, which is a hella long time to be out of action like this. So, it’s bad, basically. You don’t want it.

There’s no word on how the products got contaminated, but in my experience, it’s probably because of bats or rats or something. It’s always those -ats animals isn’t it? Up to no good, they are.

Anyway. if you’ve bought either a packet of Malteasers, a bar of Galaxy chocolate or some Minstrels, then Mars is urging that you return them to shops. Even throwing them away might be a bad idea, because you might end up getting a smooth flume of juicy fox dung through your letterbox if you leave your bins outside. Best to send it off to quarantine. To Chocolate Heaven. Since 1911.

(Image: iStock)

Related

1.jpg

7 foods that are far more dangerous than you think

shutterstock_270013298.jpg

The Truth About The Five-Second Rule (Explained By Science)

fidget.png

Fidget spinners might contain deadly levels of lead

More

A story saying Big Ben will be renamed for Muslims has upset idiots

Winding up racists - never not funny

by Dave Fawbert
21 Aug 2017

13 facts about cheating all couples need to know

Number one fact: Don't do it

by Gary Ogden
21 Aug 2017

Londoners have revealed their favourite and most-hated Tube lines

Which is your favourite line?

by Dave Fawbert
21 Aug 2017

The 10 most liveable cities in the world have been named

Did your home make the cut?

by Tom Victor
21 Aug 2017

Sir Bruce Forsyth has died aged 89

The legendary presenter has died aged 89

by Gary Ogden
18 Aug 2017

The biggest stereotype about men and sex is actually a load of rubbish

We've been wrong this whole time

by Gary Ogden
18 Aug 2017

Discover the words that became cool in the year you were born

Were you born in the year of booty calls or cybersex?

by Emily Reynolds
18 Aug 2017

This German town came up with a genius way of humiliating neo-Nazis

Is this the best possible way to deal with them?

by Alex Finnis
18 Aug 2017

Donald Trump’s lawyer: possibly not racist, definitely not intelligent

Oldest trick in the book

by Tom Victor
17 Aug 2017

The 10 worst cities in the world to live in 2017

To put your first-world problems into perspective

17 Aug 2017