Jump to Main ContentJump to Primary Navigation

In these troubled times London needs a fellatio café more than ever


Before this morning you might have thought that you'd only ever encounter the words 'fellatio' and 'cafe' next to each other in a police report about a foul disturbance by a sex-mad teen in a village teashop. You were naive, my friend, because this is the sordid land of London town, where owls boast their own smoothie bars and people bare their bollocks and tits in naked restaurants. (The owls bare their bollocks and tits as well, but they get away with it. Owls get away with everything but that's a different issue, not one we have time to explore right here, to be honest.)

If reports are to be believed, before long London may follow in the footsteps of Geneva, where in December a FELLATIO CAFE was unveiled by a man named Bradley Charvet. Mr Charvet - a man basking balls-out in his fifteen minutes of sunny fame - is eyeing up Praed Street as a prospective location for his FELLATIO CAFE because, if you've ever visited Praed Street, you'll know it has a very ''FELLATIO CAFE' vibe to it. Many a time I've stood on Praed Street and muttered to myself, "This is one of, if not the, most optimum location for a London cafe in which middle-aged men sip mochas while being pleasured orally."


Brothels and brews - the marketing shot for the Fellatio Café

I spoke to Charvet via Twitter but, doubtlessly too busy being fellated, he responded only tersely to my questions. They are barely even worth reproducing here, I'll be honest with you. When you are encumbered with a genius like Charvet's, you don't have time to laboriously explain your radical vision to people like me. "It will be a café like others, plus two booths for shy people," he told The Independent. "Décor will be white, black and pink with some baroque-style chairs."

It may sound crude but the idea of a FELLATIO CAFE is an inspired one whose timing couldn't be more opportune. Brexit pierced this country in half and left an open wound that will take countless years and countless minds to heal. With the help of a FELLATIO CAFE, this reparation could be comparatively painless. For too long we have skirted and pussyfooted around the inarguable truth: people don't just want to get naked in restaurants, they want to have their bits licked all the while. They don't just want to sit stationary and nude while picking at a Danish, they want some downstairs entertainment all the while. The people want, nay, the people are screaming out for a FELLATIO CAFE.

What is the point of setting up a naked restaurant if you're not going to let people do the one thing they most enjoy doing while naked?


London's recently opened naked restaurant wasn't enough, argues Ralph

Some boffins are harping on about the licensing problems the establishment will encounter. If I know Bradley Charvet, if I know the way his mind works, if I know him and his incomparable vision, I have no doubt he and his colleagues will leap over these petty hurdles. As he reassured me, "The company lawyer is working on it."

I asked Charvet whether someone could, theoretically, visit the cafe and receive a blowjob without buying a coffee. "No, the coffee is the point," he said. He's absolutely right. The point of the FELLATIO CAFE is indeed the coffee. But it's also the atmosphere. It's also the people. And also - in these troubled times; in the barren landscape of this fractious isle - it's also the ethos.

Oh and the FELLATIO.



"I'll order you an Uber" - ShortList drinks gin with Patrick Stewart


A 'fellatio cafe' is coming to London


We raced an electric bike against a regular bike to Brighton



London Marathon hero has had his entry fee next year covered

Yeah, they can probably call it even now

by Matt Tate
26 Apr 2017

Inside the dark art of (actually decent) sports headline puns

An enduring British pastime - but why?

by Tom Usher
26 Apr 2017

Oh great, now Paul Nuttall's comparing himself to Gandhi

Mate, that's not how it works

by Tom Victor
26 Apr 2017

Jeremy Corbyn would be Prime Minister if only under-40s could vote

But they're 20 points behind overall

by Gary Ogden
26 Apr 2017

Wild boars have joined the war against ISIS

A herd of stampeding pigs reportedly kills three Islamic State militants

by Tom Mendelsohn
26 Apr 2017

United Airlines have now killed a giant rabbit

Could it get any worse?

by Dave Fawbert
26 Apr 2017

Watch S-Town's Tyler Goodson give his first TV interview

“Sometimes I regret ever speaking into that microphone"

by Matt Tate
25 Apr 2017

Wait, is Donald Trump about to start a war over milk?

Armed conflict has been started over less. Maybe

by Tom Victor
25 Apr 2017

This guy in a gorilla suit still hasn’t finished his London Marathon ‘

Just because something hasn't been done doesn't mean you have to do it

by Tom Victor
25 Apr 2017

Woolworths could be coming back to the high street

The perfect accompaniment to Brexit Britain

by Tom Mendelsohn
25 Apr 2017