2017's worst news yet: Wetherspoon's prices are increasing

Wetherspoon’s is great for a number of reasons: the eclectic range of beer; the eclectic range of carpets; Curry Club; Beer and a Burger; housing pubs in buildings that aren’t meant to be pubs; the Wetherspoon’s app; the scientific fact that no matter where you are in the world, you are never more than five centimetres away from a Wetherspoon’s (it’s true); the all-day opening times and of course, the cheap drinks. 

However, those cheap drinks might not be so cheap anymore, which is obviously a disgusting travesty of the highest order – in fact, I personally feel sick to my very liver.

Chancellor Philip Hammond this week decided that he’d end a five-year freeze on beer duty by hiking up the cost of a pint of beer by a soul-crushingly offensive 2p, and then assumed we’re all millionaires by bumping up a bottle of wine a wallet-obliterating 10p. That’s enough to put a jet-black storm cloud over the whole of 2017 on its own, so the news that Wetherspoon’s are also raising prices has already ruined Christmas.

Of course, prices across Wetherspoon’s pubs differ quite substantially across the country, but on average, the classic lunchtime staple deal of a beer and burger has gone from an average of £7.25 to a price even Bill Gates would retch at: £7.40. On the liquid side of things, a pint of lovely, buttery Kronenbourg has stratospherically risen from an average of £3.09 to a price that would make the entire cast of Geordie Shore consider going teetotal: £3.19.

They’ve even slapped higher prices on the breakfast menu, toast has gone up a wage-eating 6p, and porridge has done exactly the same (although why anybody would be ordering porridge from a Wetherspoon’s, I don’t know).

This is obviously terrible news that had me crying into my mixed grill, but even with these wack new prices, the chain is still pretty much the cheapest out there, so it won’t ever stop me visiting – I don’t even think replacing the carpets with lino would do that. They’d have to pump the Crazy Frog song on repeat, all day for me to even consider going somewhere else. Particularly now that they’ve introduced the option to pay for drinks and food using an app.

Yes, simply download the free Order & Pay app and you’ll be able to pay for your munch and tipple from your table and have it delivered to you without having to go the bar. This is obviously great, and has the potential to drastically alter the future of pubs (for better or worse). Either way, queuing drills into the very essence of my spine, so I’m all for it, price-hikes and all. All they need now is an app that automatically unlocks the front doors to a Wetherspoon’s of your choice, so that you can have a beer before the frankly selfish opening time of 7am.