If this picture looks familiar you should probably be worrying about your sperm


Pat your trouser pockets right now.

If there’s a phone in one of them then start panicking immediately because you're doing unspeakable things to your sperm.

Results from a new study, published in the journal Reproductive BioMedicine, show that men who keep their phones in their pocket during the day had reduced sperm levels in 47 percent of cases, as opposed to just 11 percent of the general population.

It also found that your phone can still have an effect on sperm levels even if it’s kept anywhere within two feet. Er, how are we supposed to call people?

Martha Dirnfeld, who conducted the study at Technion University in Haifa, Israel, said: "We analysed the amount of active swimming sperm and the quality and found that it had been reduced.

"We think this is being caused by a heating of the sperm from the phone and by electromagnetic activity."

Professor Gedis Grudzinskas, a fertility consultant at St George’s Hospital London and Harley Street fertility clinic, added: “Men need to think about their well-being and try to stop being addicted to their phones.

“If you wear a suit to work put the mobile in your chest pocket instead of close to your testes. It will reduce the risk of your sperm count dropping or dropping so much.”

Yeah, because there’s absolutely nothing important within a two foot radius of your chest, except your heart, liver, lungs, brain, intestines, gallbladder, bladder and virtually every vital organ in the human body.

Basically, the advice here is: find a quarry and throw your phone into it.