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The top baby names for 2018 are here and some of them are ridiculous

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Alexandra Haddow
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Baby names 2018

Every generation has its fashionable baby names, no matter how hard we all try to be different. Garys are dying out as a species, and when was the last time you met a baby John or a baby Stephen? Chances are you won’t do for a while either, as Netmums have released their predictions for the biggest baby names of 2018 and there’s some…interesting suggestions on the list. 

In no particular order, the list contains King, Fox, and Dalston. Now look, we’re not here to judge, call your child whatever you want. Unless you’re going to call it any of the above. Brooklyn Beckham is the only person that can get away with being named after a recently gentrified hipster area of a global city. Dalston McDonald is a place you only visit at 3am on a Friday night, not a Scottish bloke who’s parents thought they were being edgy. 

Even new celebrity sprog Chicago West is going to struggle with her google-mappable moniker. Also on the list are Sylvie (a wonderful name but I know two puppies called Sylvie so perhaps this name has transcended to pets?), conversely Rex is also now very popular with humans and considered too mainstream for dogs, this also goes for Milo.

Unsurprisingly Arlo is still up there, presumably under the category ‘Names you’d never heard of three years ago but now you’ve got three friends with an Arlo and so has every other person you know.’ And there’s some good news in that national treasure and general wonder Grayson Perry has influenced us so much that Grayson is up there too. Although so is Axl, and we’re not sure what Mr Rose has done recently to get his influence noticed by expectant couples. 

At the very least Oscar, Riley and Alfie have dropped off the list, so parents who chose these names around four years ago (and that’s all of them) can start to relax, people are moving on. But good luck when they go to school this year in a classroom that has to call them all by their surname in order to get anything done. 

In short, if you’re having a baby this year and want to really give them an original name that nobody else will have though of, call them Gary.

Hettie: Probably going to end up blonde and dating a guy called Will who works in the city

Quinn: Will have an affair with Hettie and went to school with Will

River: Has no sense of personal identity

Arlo: Which one?

Willow: Probably OK

Otis: The coolest guy you’ll ever meet

Sylvie: Hopefully not on the up with dogs

Milo: If you chance this you’d better hope the right-wing provocatwat is off the scene by the time they go to school.

Emilia: Too normal to be on this list

Theodore: Will insist on being called Theo from day one

Grayson: Yeah probably an alright bloke

Nora: Very cool, will get by pretty well on the name alone. Has there ever been an uncool Nora? No.

King: Doomed to fail.

Nova: A car, not a name. Unless you’re Spanish.

Mason: A job, not a name.

Layla: Will have to put up with everyone singing the Eric Clapton chorus at her approximately three times per day every day until she dies.

Fox: A timid bloke with a lactose allergy. Still lives with his mum.

Maya: A successful dancer.

Axl: Probably won’t even know who Guns’n’Roses were.

Thea: Forgettable

Marcel: Unless you’re French, a mime artist, or the monkey from Friends, this is a risky choice.

Lola: Probably the most attractive girl in any room.

Henley: The posher friend of Dalston. Named after the regatta they were conceived at.

Rex: ‘No it’s not, when was the last time you heard of a dog called it?’

Harri: May as well get ‘Sorry it’s actually with an i at the end.’ on a t-shirt to wear daily.

Blaine: Always locking himself in things accidentally

Dalston: Just, no.

(Image: Design Horf)