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The ‘Tinder Poo Date Girl’ has finally addressed the nation

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Gary Ogden
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I don’t need to go into details here, you know the story. It’s the one about the girl who chucked one of her own turds in between her date’s bathroom window, then got stuck trying to grab it. So stuck that the fire brigade had to come and get her out. Thankfully, she, and the poo, were unharmed.

Anyway, when the story broke, everyone’s first thought was clearly “Why?” It was: “Why, if I may ask, did you slide a nugget of shit in between two panes of glass in the house of man you’ve just met, and were – presumably – hoping to get romantically involved with? Why did you do this, pray tell?”

Well, you can finally find out the answer, because Poo Window Tinder Stuck Fire Brigade Girl has finally come out and revealed all. She nipped on over to Reddit to spill the beans, and it made for interesting reading.

She says:

“I am indeed the shamed Shirehampton shit slinger. My friends have been comparing me to Miranda Hart. It's not something I'm proud of, but people are laughing, and if I'm making people happy then I'm not going to complain.

“It was a panic response and within seconds I knew I'd made a terrible mistake. I would have left, but I just couldn't do that to him.

“I make bad choices sometimes but I like to think I'm not a bad person, and to me that would have been bad [to leave].

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The fire brigade, rescuing the girl

“I feel like if I had and he'd found me out after though I'd probably be in a worse position now. I swear I was literally on my knees cringing and apologising. He was so good about it, though. He just laughed with me rather than at me. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to say.

“It was a moment of panic, and I read about a woman on Twitter who wrapped the poo and put it in her bag – I didn't have a bag, and I don't know why the window seemed the next best thing.

“I have many regrets. I figured a shit in the garden, while weird, would not definitely be me. We live in an area with a lot of junkies etc., so prolly [sic] could have got away with it... maybe… it genuinely wasn't that big – his toilet was just dodgy.”

I think… fair enough? Maybe? It’s not really ever happened to me so I’m not sure what I’d do. Probably run out the front door. She’s not exactly going to call me again anyway, is she?

As for where the relationship is heading, Liam, the owner of the bathroom, told the BBC:

“She was a really, really lovely girl. I had a great night, we had a lot in common, had really good conversation.

“I met up with her again for a drink briefly afterwards.

“I'm really busy with my dissertation at the moment but as to what the future holds, I don't know. But she was certainly a very, very nice girl."

Ah, the old ‘dissertation’ excuse – yep, we’ve all heard that one before.

(Image: GoFundMe)

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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