I am obsessed with robots to a potentially worrying degree. I am endlessly fascinated by them and I feed my infatuation through rabidly consuming robot-related media across all platforms: television, movies, books, the internet - I like the robots, so I do.
However, I have not yet had sex with one, despite the mainstream media seemingly willing me, and everyone else, to do so. Sex robots are in the news almost every day. They can even flirt with you now. It’s terrifying. Still, I feel like sleeping with a robot might be taking my fascination over the line a tad; taking the mantle of ‘enthusiast’ to the less-revered one of ‘pervert’.
Still, you better believe I’ve thought about it - it’s impossible not to. Just like you might have entertained the idea that, if it were at all humanly possible, you might like to have a passionate night with Marge Simpson, so too you might have had “a bit of a think” about rolling around with C-3PO after a night out in the Cantina.
So, this brings me to today’s most important question: which pop-culture robot is the sexiest? Which sentient, metallic automaton would you most like to do it with? What’s the fittest robot, basically?
Well I’ve worked it out for you - here’s a list of famous robots, ranked in order of how much you’d like to do it with them, you weirdo.
(Disclaimer: I haven’t included any robots that were specifically designed to be sexy, like the Fembots from Austin Powers, say)
19. The Sentinels from 'The Matrix'
I don’t know what you’re supposed to do if you go on a date with a Sentinel from The Matrix. Look at it, how embarrassing - it’d be flinging pints about, knocking into people at the bar, smashing all the plates everywhere, it would be a disaster. And if, for some reason you fancied it, if you fancied the giant metal spider with flailing tentacles and a deadly, life-ending laser beam that can cut through any known material, what on earth are you supposed to do then?
Imagine your flatmate grumpily, groggily dragging his feet towards your room to tell you to keep the noise down, it’s four in the sodding morning, and then walking in on you with that thing in your bed. Arms and legs pinned by its metallic claws, doing an absolute Goldfinger with its laser right from the bottom of the bed to the headboard. There’s S&M, and then there’s having sex with a towering robotic arachnid and dying in front of your flatmate; who is clutching his chest, also dying.
Like, Mechagodzilla looks pretty cool and everything, but he is, unfortunately, the size of the Leaning Tower of Pisa, and therefore extremely large, cumbersome and impossible to fancy. Sure, that woman married that bridge once, but think of the ease of that relationship - a partner who doesn’t speak, doesn’t eat, requires almost zero attention - and then compare it to one that launches missiles from its fingers, toes and knees, fires energy beams from its eyes and chest and won’t stop getting in fights. More effort than it’s worth, I rate.
17. The Iron Giant
Again, much like Mechagodzilla, the Iron Giant is far too big to go on a date with, and the logistics of maneuvering yourself around him both in public and private are horrendously overwhelming. Yes, he’s got Vin Diesel’s sexy voice, but just imagine him leaning down to kiss you - tough job for a clunking behemoth with an iffy centre of gravity. Chances are he’s going arse over tit and causing the death of dozens.
Also those rusty hips are gonna make a right din in the sack.
Here is some good life advice: don’t have sex with a bin.
BB-8 is easier on the eye than R2-D2, what with its smooth surfaces, and horny vibrating antenna, but none of this aesthetic peacocking can make up for the fact that it is absolutely filthy. Really dirty, is BB-8 - just fully covered in dust, mud, oil, soot - a rolling stone gathering more moss than you can comprehend. It is still a long way from sexy. Imagine introducing it to your parents:
“This is who I’ve been telling you about.”
“It’s another bin.”
“YEAH AND THERE’S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO BREAK US UP THIS TIME I HATE YOU COME ON BB-8 LET’S GO”
While we’re on the subject of dirty robots, we might as well talk about Wall-E. Sure, he’s starting to look a little more humanoid - obvious eyes, proper arms and hands - but he’s still basically a half tank/half fridge, a slipshod, obselete dustpan. Have a shower, Wall-E, and maybe you’ll edge up the list a bit, but until then, I’m looking elsewhere. I honestly don’t know how you bagged EVE - absolutely punching, you were.
13. Johnny 5 from 'Short Circuit'
Johnny 5 is essentially Wall-E but bigger, right? And cleaner, yeah? And with a much better fashion sense - J-Dog bosses the cowboy and punk looks like an old pro. Still, not exactly fit, is he? He’s got weird gangly arms with creepy grabbing fingers at the end, his legs are caterpillar tracks and you’re out of luck if you think you’re going to gaze lovingly into his eyes and get anything back other than an artificial lens whirring and rotating to keep you in focus. And once you get him out of those fash threads, the situation gets worse - leave the hat on, Johhny 5. Leave it all on.
12. Robby the Robot from 'Forbidden Planet'
Now we’re getting somewhere - legs, but also an attractive size. “Look at my new tall boyfriend,” you’ll say, when Robby turns up at your birthday party, and only the very weirdest of your friends will be jealous.
The rest of them will rightly shun you, because your boyfriend is a robot from the 1950s, and that is an extremely strange life choice to make. Also, he’s not even one of the fittest ones, so you’ve been doubly screwed there. You’re going out with a robot, and it’s rank!
Bender’s got legs, arms, eyes, a mouth, fingers, is a normal height, so ticks all those boxes - only thing is, he’s a dick. He’s got more personality than Robby up there, but unlike him, he is resolutely not bound to Asimov’s three laws of robotics. As such, he doesn’t give a hoot about your feelings, and he certainly wouldn’t have any personal qualms about killing you and/or selling your child to Satan. Not a long-term guy, old Bender.
Also he is a bucket.
Gold is a lovely sexy colour, and that should mean that by proxy, C-3PO should be very sexy indeed, seeing as he is mostly covered in it. Unfortunately, he is only moderately sexy, and this is solely down to two things:
1. His voice
2. His dumb walk
C-3PO, you’ve got a sexy shiny bonce, great brows and you have the exact proportions of a human, but you have the irritatingly shrill voice of a perma-scared Hugh Grant with a four-sizes too small jock strap on. That, and you’re waddling around like you’ve just done yourself a right downstairs disservice - it’s a bad look, and you’re not gonna get any action carrying on like a silver-spoon-chewing penguin from Liverpool. Single forever, you confused old fool.
9. Sonny from 'I, Robot'
Sonny sort of has a human face, and if you hadn’t been laid in a while, then I would forgive you for feeling a modicum of attraction towards him. He’s an absolute bore though - always crying and talking ‘bout “I did not murder him” and all that nonsense. An absolute buzzkill at dinner parties, a true fun-suck, a right royal drip, he is.
No amount of good looks can inflate this flat tyre, proper wet blanket, our Sonny. Next.
8. Gort from 'The Day the Earth Stood Still'
Gort is a man in a spacesuit, basically. This is great when considering him as a personal suitor, until you realise that I don’t think he can take it off. He’s essentially made of one big piece of flexible metal that looks a bit like a morph suit with a big helmet on top. Not bad looking, all in all, and you could certainly come up with some excuse as to why he was ‘wearing’ it if you bumped into an uncle when strolling along the beach.
The problems begin back at home, when you realise that he’s like Action Man down there, and also has no actual face to speak of. Also, it’s a no to practical jokes - hide in the airing cupboard and startle him when he opens the door and he’s blasting a boiling hot laser beam right through your neck, unfortunately. Not one for japes, is Gort.
7. Optimus Prime
Now bear with me, because it might look like I’ve taken a big step back here, because Optimus Prime is massive and is also a truck, but shut up - actually shut up - because he is sexy as all hell. What I would give to look like Optimus Prime, to be like Optimus Prime. He’s got a great physique, a gruff, deep voice that absolutely commands attention, and he carries with him a gravitas unmatched in this human world.
You’d just make it work with Optimus Prime, wouldn’t you? No real idea on how to proceed with a relationship with an alien robot than can turn into a van, but that’s half the fun, isn’t it? Just go hell-for-leather, dive head first into this wonderful adventure, and hit the road. Enter him. Climb inside him, he’s a truck. Never pay for an Uber ever again.
6. The Butter-Passing Robot from 'Rick and Morty'
This robot does one thing and one thing only, and that thing is passing butter. All it does it passes you the butter. How sexy is that? God I love butter.
On the face of things, this puny little piece of crap is an unattractive waste of space, a paperweight not worth the stress of a relationship, or even a swift, meaningless shag. Not one for me, thanks.
But then I remember: it brings me butter. All the butter I could ever want, and there is nothing sexier than that. Rubbing butter all over my jaw, threading it through my hair, putting a stick of it on my tongue until it melts, punching it into a big piece of bread - you lot can have your ‘meaningful and fulfilling relationships’, look at all this butter I’ve got.
Now we’re getting to the big dogs. Big thighs, strong arms, a right old Bullseye with the aiming, and a cool helmet (which he can actually take off, Gort) - Robocop is the full package. Imagine the overwhelming feeling of safety you’d have when he was around - this cyborg would protect you to the ends of the earth.
Real stickler for the rules though, is Robocop. Think you want to download the latest episode of Game of Thrones? Ha! You’ve gotta watch it a day late otherwise it’s “DEAD OR ALIVE, YOU’RE COMING WITH ME” and you’re going down, pal. No breaking the law when this tin-headed hall monitor is prowling the landing, the jobsworth.
Also, the back of his head makes me want to throw up.
4. Data from 'Star Trek'
Data just looks like a bloke who’s gone a bit overboard on the glitter while getting ready. Bought some celeb-endorsed contacts off one of them from Geordie Shore, too. Ostensibly an average-looking humanoid, just a bit too preened for most tastes - be a bit like shagging a Madame Tussauds model, wouldn’t it? And trust me, there’s a stigma that comes with that which you don’t want hanging over your head for the rest of your life. Really hinders your job opportunities. They wouldn’t even take me at The London Dungeon, and they’ve got the plague.
3. The T-800 from 'The Terminator'
Look at that smouldering intensity, those rippling muscles, that smooth leather jacket - the T-800 is a organic example of the height of robotic sexuality. Imagine walking into a restaurant, and there he is, spiky hair and sunglasses on, all nonchalant, doesn’t give a whoopsie - the rush of blood to the heart would be difficult to handle. That’s a sexy robot, right there.
The perfect date, all in all, until of course the waitress reveals her name to be ‘Sarah’ and he flips and absolutely trashes the joint, killing everyone in sight. Great way to ruin a Tinder date, you big plank. Suppose that’ll teach you for going for food on a first date - always the pub, always the pub.
2. The T-1000 from 'The Terminator'
Quite like the old, classic T-800, is this one, but he’s even sexier. Not as overtly pumped-up, has better cheek-bones, can run faster, and perhaps most importantly: if for some reason he accidentally fell into an industrial press, he wouldn’t even die.
Also, and this works heavily in his favour - if you don’t fancy him physically, he can just turn into literally anybody else that you do. Like, he could be Dua Lipa, if you want.
“I’m bored of you being famous ‘90s actor Robert Patrick, can you be Dua Lipa now?”
“Yeah sure, no liquid metal off my non-bones”
Its physical guise is limitless - it can be whoever you want him/her to be - and for that simple reason, it is the sexiest robot to ever have existed.
Oh shit, apart from:
1. Chaos 2 from 'Robot Wars'
Oh man, look at that. Look at its sleek black frontage, its front curves, oh god, the way its flipper confidently juts out, the staunch, oh my, its two chunky front tyres, so thick, so smooth, ow, that naughty little chain teasing me there, wrapped around the ramp, hell’s bells, ugh, its bolts so proud, so numerous, so horny, woah, woaahh, WOAH, oh Chaos 2 your font, your red, crazy font, you do things to me I’ve never experienced, what is happening, a fire from deep within my loins Chaos 2, you are perfect, not like that Matilda, hooo baby, wham bam, drive all over me, flip me upside down, flip me Chaos 2, FLIP ME I HAVE NO SELF-RIGHTING MECHANISM.
Me and Chaos 2, sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G once I can find its mouth.