So, like, you’re playing in your treehouse, just having a right old whale of a time up there, and then suddenly you are besieged by a wasp - what would you think? You would think: this is bad.
Then, if you swatted it away, but lost your balance and fell out of the treehouse, what would you think then? Probably: this is even worse, how could things possibly descend further?
Well, maybe if your face landed on an upright meat skewer that you’d jammed in the ground earlier, and it went all the way through your head and out the other side. Yes, agreed, that would be how things could get worse.
This is what happened to Xavier Cunningham, a 10-year-old (yep) from western Missouri.
A big old meat skewer went right through his goddamn head, and - we didn’t tell you this part - he then got stung by hundreds of wasps, while there was a meat skewer sticking out of his skull, covered in wasps, meat skewer in head, wasps and meat skewers, stung and impaled, MEAT SKEWER THROUGH THE NOGGIN, STINGS IN THE SKIN. What the hell.
Xavier’s stepfather, Shannon Miller, said:
“He fell down on it.
“He said he felt something hot and burning in his face and then saw the end of it and immediately knew what had happened.”
He then said that he ran towards the house, covered in wasps, shouting “Get them off me! Get them off me!”, adding:
“I think the yellow jackets were more painful for him at the time.”
This is a bad day. When you think you’ve had a rough 24 hours because you got a crack in your phone screen or you walked to the bus stop with your flies open or something, just think “At least I didn’t get stung off a load of wasps and then slam my head on a big meat skewer.” Just think that and you’ll probs be OK mate.
But back to Xavier - somehow, the humongous pole that plonked right into his bin missed everything important and just nipped straight through out the back of his neck - like, not ideal, but could have been so much worse.
Koji Ebersole, director of endovascular neurosurgery at the University of Kansas Health System, said:
“We were worried about how hard to pull the device because it was buried so deeply, [but] after an inch or so, it started to move more freely.”
“The depth that thing passed through the skull and this child being awake and talking and alive […] It’s flabbergasting.”
You can say that again.
“How was your weekend Xavier?”
“It was flabbergasting.”
Xavier is currently in hospital but is looking at a full recovery, which is absolutely ridiculous. This boy has had an actual, literal meat skewer through his actual, literal head, and he’s fine now. What a legend that boy is. Pole Boy; The Indestructible Skull; The Skewer Wooer, here to save the day. Commission this film right now.