Get ready, genetically modified Super Dogs are coming

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Gary Ogden

I’ve never been one to mess with genetic engineering – ever since I was 11 and I accidentally spliced my best mate Tom with a moth and he flew straight into the bonfire at school fireworks night, I vowed never to touch it again. Threw my TOMY chemistry set away and everything. Still, there are scientists out there that still want to fuck with it.

Some of those scientists are in China, and they have decided to make a 27-strong army of cloned beagles, one of which – their leader, presumably – is a super-strong one. During the process, they removed the myostatin gene in one dog, which meant it was born with greatly increased muscle-mass compared to the others. Hence the remaining puppers hailing it as their one true king and choosing it to lead them into battle against the humans.

But why was this done? Why did the scientists want to create a giant death-dog, intent on biting the necks of us and our families until none of us can breathe anymore?

Well, Lai Liangxue, researcher at Guangzhou institute of biological medicine and health, told Science and Technology Daily:

“This is a breakthrough, marking China as only the second country in the world to independently master dog-somatic clone technology, after South Korea.”

Yeah but why though.

“The goal of the research is to explore an approach to the generation of the new disease dog models for biomedical research.

“Dogs are very close to humans in terms of metabolic, physiological and anatomical characteristics.”

So basically, it’s so they can be experimented on, which isn’t very nice. They just made one really hard one for a bit of banter, or as Lai says:

“[They have] more muscles and are expected to have stronger running ability, which is good for hunting, police (military) applications.”

So they actually are creating them in order to kill people. They are messing with genetics to invent a new type of weightlifting, martial arts dog that will roundhouse kick our heads off and then chew on our bones. The hounds will be the ones that will be having the banter, not the scientists. They will toy with our severed limbs for banter. 

In case you were wondering, this one final boss dog has been called Little Long Long, presumably because if you ever face it in mortal combat, you will submit to a long, long death at the end of it.

Thankfully, Lai and his team have said that they won’t be looking to breed these animals as pets, because the worry is that it’ll lead to even more selective breeding, getting further and further away from the natural order of things.

Saying that, I would quite like a dog with human legs – it’d mess the postman right up.


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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the screaming thing though. @garyblogden

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