1. Birdemic: Shock and Terror
Much like The Room, [more on that in a bit] Birdemic has turned into a bit of a cultural juggernaut. It started as a passion project for director James Nguyen, a ‘romantic thriller’ about a city attacked by murderous birds – only once people saw it, it gathered momentum for all the wrong reasons. Those reasons being: it’s unbelievably terrible, staggeringly inept and therefore absolutely, cripplingly hilarious. The sound cuts out at random times, shots go in and out of focus for no reason, the acting is worse than your sixth-form leavers play and the CGI is basically clipart. God I love this movie.
2. Vibrations
I urge you to watch all of the above trailer – like, all the way until the end (for the end, oh the end, is the very best bit). The film, featuring a pre-fame Christina Applegate, is about a musician who loses his hands in an accident, fearing he will never be able to play again. LUCKILY THOUGH, someone invents him some CYBORG HANDS and introduces him to TECHNO MUSIC. The rest, as they say, is a-man-in-a-robot-suit-dancing-like-a-fucking-idiot-behind-a-keyboard-in-front-of-an-inexplicably-appreciative-crowd. So good.
Interestingly (and if you want a bonus bad movie recommendation), that ridiculous robot suit he wears at the end is the exact same one as in the man-dies-but-is-brought-back-as-robot action flick The Vindicator. What a cool fact you can use to impress your mates down the imaginary discotheque.
3. Miami Connection
I genuinely don’t think I’ve ever had more fun watching a movie than this one. Granted, I was steaming pissed and saw it in a cinema full of other steaming pissed people, but seriously, it’s impossible to wipe the smile off your boat the entire way through. In case you were wondering why, it’s because it’s about a rock band made up of taekwondo masters, who go up against a team of drug-dealing motorcycle ninjas. Ninjas, the quietest of bad guys, riding motorcycles, the noisiest of automobiles.
It, much like the others on this list, is chock full of horrid acting, cheesy special effects and a nonsensical plot, but the enthusiasm of the cast shines through – this is nothing but the purest form of entertainment. I cannot get enough of it. Oh, and the soundtrack is so goddamn amazing it makes me want to cry tears of blood out of my ears.
4. Bula Quo
I’ll hazard a guess that you haven’t heard of this movie, even though you’ve definitely heard of Status Quo – the bouncy rock band known for songs like ‘Rockin’ All Over The World’ and that other one that sounds like ‘Rockin’ All Over The World’ and also that other one, you know, the one that sounds like ‘Rockin’ All Over The World’.
Well, yeah, two of them, namely Rick Parfitt and Francis Rossi, were in a film together, in which they played themselves. Not content with simply doing your standard concert film, they decided it would be better if they stuck themselves in a story involving them getting on the wrong side of the mafia in Fiji. It would be better if there were loads of explosions. It would be better if they smashed plates over people’s heads. If they walked into doors and fell over. If every single line was a terrible quip. It’s like all the dads in the whole world got together to make a movie.
To be honest, they were right. It is so much better than a concert film – I genuinely really enjoyed this movie. Yeah, it’s bottom-of-the-barrel stuff, but Rick and Francis are supremely likeable guys, so it’s hard to hate the film despite its many, many flaws. MANY flaws.
5. Troll 2
I think in place of a trailer, the above clip will tell you all you need to know about this film.
Now, Troll is quite a bad film, but does not belong anywhere near in the pantheon of the truly bad. Troll 2 on the other hand, absolutely, positively does. The film, which was originally titled Goblins, was renamed to cash-in on the ‘success’ of the first one – so yeah, there aren’t even any fucking trolls in it. Essentially, it’s about vegetarian goblins who turn people into plants so that they can eat them.
The film gained such a bad reputation that the lead child actor made a documentary all about the making of the film, called Best Worst Movie in 2009, which, unlike Troll 2, actually got really good reviews.
6. Samurai Cop
There seems to be a running theme on this here list, and that theme appears to be: appalling hair. Well, get ready to shift your wigs, homies, because the worst hair of the lot is on display now, front and centre, and it belongs to… SAMURAI COP. I say this, because it actually is a wig – after filming had finished, lead actor Matt Hannon cut his hair off, but a few days later the director called him back in for extensive re-shoots and made him wear a ridiculous wig. He also used pretty much every take they shot, which is why actors visibly fluffing their lines have been kept in the film, or absolutely meaningless quotes like “Now, I'm telling these son of a bitches...” are hilariously present.
Also, in case you wanted more, there’s a sequel – Samurai Cop 2 – but it’s a bit more self-reflective this time around…
7. Pieces
I could have included any of so many scenes of people getting chopped up in lurid, unconvincing detail with a chainsaw, but I feel the above clip says a lot more about the film. Pieces is a tragic, hammy rip-off of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (the tagline was even “You don’t have to go to Texas for a chainsaw massacre”), but in many ways it is much, much better. It’s not scary, it’s not well made, it’s not coherent (like the original), but it is absolutely, hip-slappingly hilarious, which is certainly something that TCM certainly didn’t have. No waterbed murders either – you always gotta have a waterbed murder.
8. Hard Ticket To Hawaii
This is the second of 12 sexploitation action movies made by former sports director Andy Sidaris, each starring a series of former Playboy Magazine models as improbably attired secret agents. Need we say more?
OK, how about the fact that one of the threats our crack crew has to face in Hard Ticket to Hawaii is a snake that’s been infected by cancerous rat toxins?
Yep, that just about swings it.
9. Raw Force (aka Kung Fu Cannibals)
Maybe I spoke too soon – it’s quite possible that you want to see this movie more, who knows? A film about a “walking death machine”, a woman whose “deadliest weapon is… her body”, erm, “Hollywood’s top stuntman” and a guy who’s “primed for action with one blow… the death blow” taking on a load of undead martial arts masters?
YEAH I THINK I’LL BE WATCHING THIS THANKS – You.
10. Eliminators
Eliminators was one of countless productions rushed to market in the wake of the breakout success of The Terminator – though this particular time-travelling robot has tank tracks for legs. No, seriously. This cheese-dream of an action movie is also notable for featuring an appearance from Denise ‘that one who died in Star Trek: The Next Generation’ Crosby.
You can tell when a terrible movie has made its mark, intentionally or (more likely) otherwise, when it influences other art. In Eliminator’s case, the word ‘art’ has to do some heavy lifting, as it directly inspired the even more low-budget Canadian sci-fi parody Manborg.
11. Species
It’s the mid-‘90s. The last Alien movie came out three years ago, and sucked. What the ‘90s needs is its own twist on the formula, but with a little ‘90s sexiness and a little ‘90s tough guy attitude. ‘90s!
At least, that’s how I imagine the pitch for Species going. How else to explain a movie that blatantly rips off Ridley Scott’s original (they even got H. R. Giger to design the monster)? That is, when it isn’t lasciviously flaunting the naked body of debutant Natasha Henstridge. The film’s outrageous design-by-all-male-committee composition, terrible special effects, and genuine acting talent (Forrest Whitaker, Ben Kingsley, and Michael Madsen all feature) make this monstrous splice up of a movie weirdly watchable.
12. The Room
The Room has become the archetypal ‘so bad it’s good’ movie, to the point where it’s now a staple of midnight screenings the world over. It was the brainchild of the enigmatic Tommy Wiseau, who funded, wrote, directed, and starred in the film. Wiseau’s ‘unique’ enunciation and total lack of either acting talent or self-awareness creates an unwitting comedic masterpiece.
It’s a film so bad, they made a pretty good movie about it. In 2017, James Franco released a tribute to The Room and its oddball director in The Disaster Artist, which was well received in totally unironic terms.
13. Plan 9 from Outer Space
Like The Room, Plan 9 from Outer Space’s brilliant-awfulness can be at least partly measured by the fact that Hollywood subsequently made a good movie about it. Tim Burton’s 1994 biopic, Ed Wood, profiles the titular director and his struggles to fund and produce a string of terrible B-movies throughout the 1950s, culminating in this, his magnum opus.
Plan 9 from Outer Space is an infamously bad sci-fi movie, and was famously dubbed the ‘worst movie of all time’ back in 1980. From its glaring continuity errors to its hammy acting and all-round terrible production values, there’s a lot to be derided/admired here.
