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All the best jokes, quotes and speeches from last night's Oscars

About half are from Jimmy Kimmel to be honest

All the best jokes, quotes and speeches from last night's Oscars
05 March 2018

If you go to something like the Oscars, and have an audience of hundreds of millions of people watching from all over the world, you can use that platform in different ways. There have been years where irreverence was king, but this year a lot of stars used their voices to push messages about changes that Hollywood has to make in order to progress. 

In a post-Weinstein, #MeToo world, where the shortcomings of the film industry (and many others) in terms of race and sexual discrimination are so clear, it’s not really acceptable to receive an award and use your moment in the spotlight to just be like, “Woo! Kiss my ass everyone!”

In a way that’s a shame, but it’s a very small price to pay in the ongoing journey towards a less shitty world. Even if you’re a complete rotter and see nothing else good in the long-overdue progress that’s being made, think about it that way - the sooner everyone is treated equally, the sooner people can do big “Woo! Kiss my ass everyone!” speeches again.

We’re not there yet, so a lot of presenters and award recipients used last night’s Oscars ceremony to call things as they saw them, addressing the big issues of the day in funny, thoughtful ways. 

 Lupita Nyong’o and Kumail Nanjiani on stage


“Like everyone in this room and everyone watching at home we are dreamers. We grew up dreaming of one day working in the movies. Dreams are the foundation of Hollywood, and dreams are the foundation of America.” 

“To all the Dreamers out there, we stand with you.”

– Lupita Nyong’o and Kumail Nanjiani, addressing Dreamers, people who arrived in the US as undocumented immigrants

“If I fall over during my speech, someone should pick me up, because I’ve got some things to say.” 

– Frances McDormand winning Best Actress, before getting all female nominees to stand up and introducing the world to the notion of inclusion riders

“Some of my favorite movies are by straight white dudes, about straight white dudes. Now you can watch my movies and relate to me. It’s not that hard. I’ve been doing it my whole life.”

– Kumail Nanjiani in a videoed piece about diverse voices

“With Coco, we tried to take a step forward toward a world where all children can grow up seeing characters in movies that look and talk and live like they do. Marginalised people deserve to feel like they belong. Representation matters.”

Coco director Lee Unkrich

“I am an immigrant. In the last 25 years, I’ve been living in a country all of our own. The greatest thing our industry does is to erase lines in the sand. We should continue to do that.”

– Best Director winner Guillermo Del Toro

“We know what you’re thinking, are the Oscars too black now?”

“Don’t worry. There are so many white people to come.”

– Tiffany Haddish and Maya Rudolph addressing life in a post-#OscarsSoWhite world

Guillermo Del Toro poses with his two Academy Awards


“Imagine that! A country with a black leader. Wouldn’t that be swell?”

– Jimmy Kimmel delivering a sly Trump diss while ostensibly talking about Black Panther

“We don’t make films like Call Me by Your Name for money. We make them to upset Mike Pence.”

– Kimmel again, referring both to Call Me By Your Name’s poor box office take and high critical acclaim, and the Vice President’s well-documented homophobia

“If the last two years have taught us anything, it’s that reality can be depressing. But tonight’s nominated documentaries show us that where there is darkness, there is also hope. Except at the White House. Hope quit on Wednesday.”

– Kimmell yet again, bidding farewell to outgoing White House communications director Hope Hicks

Ashley Judd, Annabella Sciorra and Salma Hayek give a speech on stage


“Oscar is a very respected man in Hollywood. Just look at him - he keeps his hands where he can see them, no penis…”

– Jimmy Kimmel

“The changes we are witnessing are being driven by the powerful sound of new voices, different voices, of our voices, who are joining together in a mighty chorus that is finally saying Time’s Up.” 

– Ashley Judd, who came on stage with Salma Hayek and Annabella Sciorra, all survivors of abuse by Harvey Weinstein

“We made a movie called What Women Want and it starred Mel Gibson.”

– Kimmel on Hollywood’s previous shortsightedness

“The Academy, as you are no doubt aware, took action last year to expel Harvey Weinstein from their ranks. There were a lot of great nominees, but Harvey deserved it the most.” 

– Kimmel again

“The truth is, if we are successful here, if we can work together to stop sexual harassment in the workplace, if we can do that, women will only have to deal with harassment all the time at every other place they go.”

– Jimmy Kimmel yet again, hitting upon an uncomfortable truth about how shitty so many men are

“Thanks to Guillermo [Del Toro], we will always remember this year as the year men screwed up so badly, women starting dating fish.”

– Kimmel again

Gary Oldman took home the Best Actor award

Winning speeches

“Put the kettle on. I’m bringing Oscar home” 

– Gary Oldman, Best Actor winner for Darkest Hour, addressing his 98-year-old mother via the medium of a global telecast

“I made a promise to our six-year-old lead actress that I’d sign this speech. My hands are shaking so I apologise. Our movie is about a deaf child being born into a world of silence. This is happening, millions of children all over the world live in silence.” 

– Rachel Shenton, formerly of Hollyoaks, delivering her speech entirely in sign language

“I did it all by myself.”

– Alison Janney, Best Supporting Actress for I, Tonya, instantly becoming a meme before going on to actually thank loads of people

…and goofier bits

“I guess I better say something, or else they’ll give me a jet ski, and I don’t see myself on a jet ski somehow.”

– Cinematographer Roger Deakins, 14-time nominee and first-time winner for Blade Runner 2049, referring to a running gag where the winner that delivered the shortest speech would win a jet ski. The jet ski eventually went to Phantom Thread costume designer Mark Bridges. 

“Don’t say La La Land. Don’t say La La Land…” 

– Mark Hamill presenting an award and bringing back memories of last year’s debacle

“Dude, I’m backstage scratching areas that shouldn’t be scratched.”

Lakeith Stanfield, who popped up on stage a few times to shout “GET OUT” as part of a running gag, tweeting from backstage

(Images: Rex)