Imagine a world in which an ice lolly could give you all your sustenance for the day ahead. Well friends: imagine no more.
Words: Ralph Jones, Joe Mackertich
Photography: David Sykes/Food Styling: Iona Blackshaw
The Green-Eyed Monster
Cheerios on Twister
Oh, what an audacious combination. “This is filthy,” you whisper to yourself as bolts of pleasure in the form of lime and calcium shoot through your brain. One moment savoury, the next minute sweet? Decadent. “Crunchy crunchy, licky licky,” you murmur, your eyes slowly beginning to close in ecstasy.
The Bumpy Road to Paradise
Trix on Nobbly Bobbly
You only need to say the words ‘Nobby Bobbly’ and you’re already having a good time. But bite into this Technicolour extravaganza and you’ll soon struggle to remember your own name, let alone the name of the ice lolly. “This is an explosion of texture and taste,” you sigh, weak at the knees. This cheeky little hybrid puts the ‘fun’ in ‘fundamentally unhealthy’.
The Fluoro Fool
Unicorn Froot Loops on Solero Exotic
When they made the Fluoro Fool they broke the mould. Cramming that much flavour into this little space was considered impossible; many felt it was unwise. And that is the perverse and mind-bending appeal of this taboo treat: it feels like you’re doing drugs while skydiving.
The Dark Destroyer
Chocolate Lucky Charms on Magnum Dark
The party. Starts. Now. Long-derided as “unhealthy”, and “infantile” in this country, Lucky Charms are rightly considered the forbidden fruit of the British breakfast landscape. With enough sugar to provoke a mind-wiped fugue state, this monstrosity wants you on your knees, at its feet. Open wide, pig.
Honey Cheerios on Solero Red Berries
Unlike their workmanlike “multigrain” colleagues across the page, Honey Cheerios know there’s more to life than fibre, gastrointestinal health and regular bowel movements. Honey Cheerios know that, in the actual words of Drew Barrymore, “If you don’t take risks, you’ll have a wasted soul.” Cheerios, meet the fiery, free-spirited Solero Red. Now get on that motorbike and have an adventure.
The Farmer’s Affair
Jordans Super Berry Granola on Magnum White
It’s simply scandalous: the sophisticated white chocolate finds itself enraptured by the earthy, peon-thrilling pleasure of oats. It’s Jasmine and Aladdin. It’s Ralph and Ted. It’s James Joyce and his charming yet uneducated wife Nora Barnacle. It’s a culture clash that will leave you stunned yet entirely sated.