Ah, housemates. If we weren't so set in our creature comforts like 'companionship' and 'not paying a stroke-inducingly exorbitant rent for a studio flat', we'd surely all live alone.
Unfortunately, if you've clicked this link, you almost certainly don't. You are bound to scour the earth for other souls who may or may not eat your lasagne or put paint in the washing machine or inexplicably put their foot through your walls, depending on their temperament. There is a way of weeding out the horror-housemates though, and the users of Reddit have compiled a list of handy red flags to watch out for before committing to a 12 month contract with an absolute bellend.
"I wrote my very clearly on each individual loo-roll and - after cross-referencing the current paper situation against my spreadsheet - six sheets are missing. Not cool. Not. Cool. Those are mine. I've put the rest in my room as I can't trust you lot not to steal them all. Yes, I ate all four of the ready meals in the fridge. They were yours? Oh? You didn't put your name on them, so they were fair game. You know the rules."
"What's for dinner, everyone? Carbonara? That doesn't look like much! Oh, you're only making it for you. Right... No worries, I'll get a takeaway! What's our address? Also, how does the washing machine work? Where do I put the clothes? Eh? Drum? What? Oh! Can I put my dishes in it as well? No? Gotcha, gotcha... If you've got a moment later, can you show me how to use the toilet? I know how it flushes, I've seen that bit before, but how do I wipe my arse after?..."
Not buying goods
"Er, what do you mean I never get anything? I think you'll find I bought the last milk? I've got the receipt here, in my wallet, because I knew you'd pull this kind of shit. See: 4 pints, £1.35. Yeah, it's from 3 weeks ago, so what? Are you saying we've gone through 4 pints in 3 weeks! Are you mad?! That's not how milk works. Anyway, here's my bank details, so if you can pay me your share of the £1.35, because I'm a bit skint at the mo, that'd be wicked."
"Can someone clean up the stuff in the lounge? This is a shared flat, not a wardrobe. I don't care that it's my hoody, my empty curry trays, my dirty dishes, my underwear, my used Johnnies, and my filth, I can't be reasonably expected to live like this..."
"Umm guys, it's real shitty I have to leave notes, and I really shouldn't have to, but can we NOT MOVE MY WASHING. I was leaving it on the only drying rack in the flat for five days FOR A REASON. Respecting personal property is very IMPORTANT to me. It took me and my girlfriend 10 MINUTES to move WHOEVER TOUCHED MY CLOTHES' clothes off the rack and put ALL OF MINE BACK ON, meaning we were LATE for dinner with her parents."
A History Of Hate
"Yeah, so my last girlfriend was mental. Like, properly mad. Turned all my housemates against me. They were all pricks anyway, to be honest with you, so I didn't really care in the end. Were proper nobheads about letting my pal. He needed a place to stay for a few weeks, was I supposed to let him sleep on the streets when we had a perfectly good sofa? He paid rent, and all. Admittedly to me, but he was my pal. Admittedly it was originally my girlfriend's flat that I moved into and she paid the rent for both of us, but I didn't have a job. Plus, she was crazy. You couldn't pay me to live with her now, though! Anyway, hope you don't mind, but I've already started moving my stuff in and organised a housewarming for myself for tomorrow..."
"Obviously don't live with me."