Time, this week, to sink our teeth into some tender Rock beef. “Hnnnnngghhhaaaargh!” – that’s you, chomping your incisors down on a slab of Rock beef and ripping off a bloodied chunk, meat juice running down your chin and onto your bare feet. You know that this Rock beef is pure. You know that this Rock beef is sweet.
Behold. Our story begins on May 29, when Dwayne Rock The Johnson “took to Twitter” to spew some promotional guff about his sneaker collaboration with Under Armour.
“Big day of business – THANK YOU!” he said at the end of the post.
“Train hard. Stay strong.”
Fairly harmless there. Just The Rock Johnson being proud of his new shoes.
Within minutes a chap called Dan Buffa chimed in: “One of my favorite [sic] actors and sports brands releasing a series of goodness. I’m going to rock the Midwest with these kicks.”
N’aw, that’s nice, isn’t it. Dan’s excited about these new kicks – and why wouldn’t he be? Dan loves rocking the Midwest with new kicks – especially if those kicks are the result of a collab between one of his favorite [sic] actors and one of his favorite [sic] sporting brands. Great stuff.
But then big old Ron Clements entered the fray – we all know Ron Clements, don’t we – NFL reporter since 2009, Wisconsin native, former marine – old Ron Clements waded into the water with a comment drenched in spite.
Here’s what Clements had to say on the matter: “His new Die Hard knockoff looks awful though.”
Oof. Not holding back, is he. Clements has lunged forward and really committed there. Clements has absolutely punted the ball over the fence and into a nearby farm. Clements. Means. Mother. Fucking. Business. Clements. Is. Not. Mucking. About. Lads.
Now, given that he was commenting on a post by The Rock Himself, the possibility that The Rock might reply to Clements was always in the air. Clements might not have known this consciously but, somewhere deep within, he can’t have been unaware.
And, lo and behold, as Clements was donning his shades after what was, we can be in no doubt about this, an epic burn, The Rock decided to crash onto the scene. His wrath had been provoked and he needed to bring the colossal fist of justice swinging into this cage of fools.
“Awful?” he said, appending a crying-face emoji. “Well I can promise you we’re not that my friend. Nice profile pic.” (I think we can deduce that that “Nice profile pic” comment – a reference to Clements’ infamous profile picture, a photo of him in his vest, trying his best to be Wolverine – was sarcastic.)
Then – because by this point The Rock was legitimately furious with this Clements fool – he said something he rarely says with meaning: “Fuck off.”
That’s right; The Rock said, “Fuck off” to old Ron Clements. He didn’t care who he was offending. Finally, polishing this off with a pair of emojis – sassy man and middle finger – The Rock was done. He had started the fire; now he would walk into the distance, the flames flickering away in the distance.
Even if you profess to be a vegetarian, you know full well that in the hungry twilight hours you love nothing more than locking yourself in a cupboard and, eyes closing in pleasure, burying your face in some illicit Rock beef. Rock beef is the most succulent beef for it is the rarest beef; Rock beef is the purest beef because it is the forbidden beef.
Ron Clements knows this just as you know this. His heart skipped a beat when he saw the reply from Dwayne Johnson. He couldn’t believe what he was saying. Yes, he may have been angry. Yes, he may well have been upset. Even now he may be staring at a wall, bereft of meaning, wondering why he ever bothered to go up against the biggest human being on the planet.
But before long he will smile. Through those pursed lips his teeth will show. And, in a matter of moments, he will gobble up that exquisite Rock beef, wolfing it down just like the rest of us.
Stay hungry, stay humble.
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