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50 Craziest B-Movies

Shocks! Thrills! Unintentional laughter!

50 Craziest B-Movies
20 May 2011

While many films are created to be savoured, discussed and examined with endless precision, there are others which emerge from a dark basement, intent on providing you with something to watch when you're drunk and unable to focus.

They hold a necessary place (no one should see Requiem For A Dream while intoxicated, believe us) and even though many have died a death on VHS, we think they deserve to be dug up.

So, here's a guide to 50 films you won't believe are actual things. Just take our word for it.

For Y'ur Height Only (1981)

Plot:The only one who can foil Mr Giant's evil scheme is Agent 00, a 3-foot tall filipino martial arts master, expert marksman, top-class romancer and all-round superspy.

Trivia: In 1981, First Lady Imelda Marcos launched the Manila International Film Festival to showcase Filipino culture. To her, and everyone else's, surprise, this was the only film that sold.

Tammy And The T-Rex (1994)

Plot: After Michael is murdered, an evil scientist implants his brain into a robotic dinosaur. He escapes and goes on the run with his understandably bemused girlfriend Tammy.

Trivia: Contains not one, but two embarrassing, pre-fame appearances. Tammy is played by Denise Richards while Michael is played by Paul Walker.

Chopping Mall (1986)

Plot: Eight teenagers are trapped after hours in a high tech shopping mall and pursued by three murderous security robots out of control.

Trivia: Was originally titled Killbots but after it flopped, it gained the much more appealing title of Chopping Mall. It still flopped though.

The Lair Of The White Worm (1988)

Plot: Lady Sylvia steals a mysterious skull and uses it to erotically worship her pagan god, the white worm, a massive malevolent beast that starts murdering virgins.

Trivia: Stars both Hugh Grant and Peter Capaldi as pagan snake slayer and skull unearther respectively. Next time you see either one of them, please bring this film up.

Matango - Attack Of The Mushroom People (1963)

Plot: A group of young people crash their yacht and end up on a deserted island where their hunger causes them to eat evil mushrooms and transform into fungus-infused beasts.

Trivia: The mushrooms that the cast ate were actually made from rice pastry but because the chef liked one of the actresses so much, he added sugar as well. What a treat.

The Terror Of Tiny Town (1938)

Plot: Just your standard B&W western really. An evil gunslinger arrives to make trouble for the inhabitants of a small town. Oh, just one thing, every member of the cast is a midget.

Trivia: The film came about when the producer overheard someone saying “If this economy doesn’t turn around, we’ll have to start making pictures with midgets.”

My Boyfriend's Back (1993)

Plot: A high schooler comes back from the dead to take his sweetheart to prom. With or without body parts.

Trivia: An unusual hotbed for talent, the film contains pre-fame turns from Renee Zellweger, Matthew Fox, Matthew McConaughey AND Phillip Seymour Hoffman

Frankenhooker (1990)

Plot: After his fiancé is killed in a lawnmower accident (it happens), a med student decides to bring her back to life, using the body parts of various prostitutes.

Trivia: Celebrity fan Bill Murray was quoted as saying “If you see one movie this year, it should be Frankenhooker.”

Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid (1986)

Plot: An overweight patient escapes from a mental institution and travels to New York City for some fun and adventure. Oh and farting.

Trivia: Stars Oscar nominee Joan Allen, AFTER she starred in Michael Mann's iconic Manhunter.

Hitler Meets Christ (2007)

Plot: Two men meet on a train. One thinks he's Hitler and one thinks he's Christ. FIGHT!

Trivia: Was based on a play called Hitler and Christ meet Death at the Port Authority Bus Station, which somehow happens to be an even worse title.

Weasels Rip My Flesh (1979)

Plot: After a NASA spacecraft crashes into the ocean, its radioactive outerspace cargo transforms a rabid weasel into a killer mutant.

Trivia: The film was made by high schoolers who used friends and family as actors and household items for special effects.

Sssssss (1973)

Plot: A crazy doctor creates a serum that can turn any man into a King Cobra and plans to use it on a college student who has fallen for his daughter.

Trivia: The film was called "Ssssilbido de muerte" in Spain which translates, amazingly, to "Hiss of Death".

Elves (1989)

Plot: Three girls are terrorised by an elf, created by the Nazis. His aim is to mate with a virgin so he can begin a new half-human/half-elf master race.

Trivia: Contains this insane exchange: Kirsten’s Mother: “Your father’s in the study”, Kirsten: “What? No, grandfather’s in the study. Dad is dead”, Kirsten’s Mother: “Your grandfather is your grandfather AND your father”

The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies (1964)

Plot: While at the carnival, Jerry falls in love with an evil fortune teller's sister and becomes a zombie enforcer in the process. He's tricked into becoming a murderer to protect a cage full of zombies. Is also a musical.

Trivia: James Woods is rumoured to be an extra.

Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things (1973)

Plot: A group of young actors on a deserted island find themselves at the mercy of some flesh-eating zombies. Sadly, the film doesn't contain any real children.

Trivia: Director Bob Clark went on to helm Porky's and, ermm, Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2, aka the second lowest film ever on IMDb.

Shakma (1990)

Plot: A baboon is given an accidental overdose of adrenaline and kills a group of teenagers as they play a Dungeons and Dragons type game in a large building.

Trivia: As a depressing in-joke, the film starred Roddy McDowell who was in the original Planet of the Apes.

Death Spa (1990)

Plot: The evil spirit of a leisure centre owner's dead wife is reborn in her brother's body and uses an advanced computer system to kill off gym-goers in variously gruesome fitness-related ways. Watch out for that steam room!

Trivia: Was also known as Witch Bitch.

Night Of The Lepus (1972)

Plot: After an Arizona ranch is plagued by rabbits, a failed idea to suppress them results in giant, cow-eating bunnies terrorising the locals.

Trivia: The killer rabbit effects were achieved by having normal-sized rabbits run around on miniature sets yet a man in a rabbit costume was used for some attack scenes.

The Gingerdead Man (2005)

Plot: A gingerbread man comes alive when possessed by the spirit of an evil killer who was sent to the electric chair. Gingerbread man played by...Gary Busey.

Trivia: Was followed by Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust and the forthcoming Gingerdead Man 3-D: Saturday Night Cleaver. We're not making this up.

Rubber (2011)

Plot: A tyre called Robert discovers he has telepathic powers and soon uses them to murderous effect, while simultaneously developing an obsession with a mysterious woman.

Trivia: It is directed by Mr. Oizo (you remember Flat Beat right) who sees Rubber as a rather serious art film...

Hercules Against The Moon Men (1964)

Plot: Hercules is summoned to oppose the evil Queen Samara, who has allied herself with aliens and is sacrificing her own people in a bid to awaken a moon goddess.

Trivia: The Italian film was dubbed into English and the lead character changed from Maciste to Hercules, to make him more recognisable to audiences.

I Was A Zombie For The FBI (1982)

Plot: A pair of criminal brothers start working for the FBI after they discover that aliens are trying to conquer earth by turning humans into zombies by polluting their cola.

Trivia: The film was made for just $27,000 yet gained celebrity fans such as Bob Dylan and Dennis Hopper.

Killer Klowns From Outer Space (1988)

Plot: A small town is invaded by evil aliens who look like clowns. They then ensare the locals with a variety of weapons, including killer shadow puppets and vicious balloon animals.

Trivia: The tagline for the film was 'In space, no one can eat ice cream'.

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (1964)

Plot: Children on Mars have become obsessed with Santa via TV shows from earth so they kidnap him but, sadly, the spirit of Christmas saves the day. Or something.

Trivia: Despite being seen as one of the worst films ever made, rumours of a remake have been circulating since 2000 with Jim Carrey apparently interested in starring.

Monsturd (2003)

Plot: After escaping from jail, a convicted killer falls into a pool of chemicals in a sewer, where he is transformed into a half-human, half-faecal creature.

Trivia: The makers also created the similarly odd horror films Retardead (about mentally handicapped zombies) and Rectuma (about a man whose bum turns into a killer).

The Ghost In The Invisible Bikini (1966)

Plot: A ghost has 24 hours to perform a good deed and enlists help from his hot but dead girlfriend to stop his evil lawyer from swiping his estate from his cousin.

Trivia: Contains performances from Boris Karloff and Nancy Sinatra.

Dinocroc Vs Supergator (2010)

Plot: A crazed scientist creates two mutations that escape a laboratory and wreak havoc on a local community. But the town is only big enough for one genetically modified monster so a showdown inevitably occurs.

Trivia: Sadly contained one of Kill Bill's David Carradine's final roles.

Wrestling Women Vs The Aztec Mummy (1964)

Plot: The much-anticipated follow-up to Doctor of Doom sees our favourite Mexican female wrestlers get drawn into a battle with an Asian gang who are hoping to resurrect an Aztec mummy.

Trivia: The Aztec mummy doesn't arrive until the final scene.

Witchery (1988)

Plot: A woman is taken to her mother-in-law's house and soon discovers that her husband and his mother are reincarnated lovers who were burned at the stake for being witches. Hell then breaks loose.

Trivia: Stars The Exorcist's Linda Blair and Anaconda 3's David Hasselhoff.

The Man Who Loved Cat Dancing (1973)

Plot: Jay kidnaps Catherine on his way to rob a train and she discovers that he is haunted by the death of his Indian wife, Cat Dancing.

Trivia: Steven Spielberg wisely turned down the job to direct this.

The Day of the Dolphin (1973)

Plot: A scientist trains dolphins to communicate with humans yet two are stolen and trained to assassinate the President of the United States.

Trivia: Roman Polanski was set to direct yet the death of his wife meant Mike Nichols (The Graduate) stepped in.

Hell Comes To Frogtown (1988)

Plot: After a nuclear war, women now rule the world. Hell is the name of one of their prisoners who must try and stop their mutant frog-like leader. Problem is, Hell has a bomb attached to his genitals.

Trivia: Was followed by Frogtown II, Toad Warrior and Max Hell Frog Warrior.

Gore-met, the Zombie Chef From Hell (1986)

Plot: A cannibal opens up a seafood restaurant, and kills and cooks people to serve to his customers.

Trivia: Boasted this nonsensical tagline: 'Dining out can be a permanent experience'.

Granny (1999)

Plot: Eight college students are stalked and killed by a maniac dressed in a granny mask. SPOILER ALERT: it turns out to be one big joke. A bit like the movie really.

Trivia: Contains a number of strange one-word cast and crew members such as special effects guy Bruno, producer Tomi and assistant Puppy.

Galactic Gigolo (1987)

Plot: Eoj is a broccoli-shaped alien from the planet Crowak who transforms himself into a silver-suited gigolo when he wins a trip to have sex with women on Earth in a game show.

Trivia: The similarly themes Earth Girls Are Easy was released the year after but starred Jim Carrey and Geena Davis. Oh and it had nothing to do with broccoli.

The House With Laughing Windows (1976)

Plot: An art specialist finds his life threatened by the work of an artistic madman who tortured people with his sisters to inspire his paintings.

Trivia: This Italian horror doesn't contain a single window that laughs. Not even a giggling mirror.

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama (1988)

Plot: After three frat boys get caught spying on some sorority hotties, they are ordered to steal a trophy from a bowling alley. But it breaks open and unleashes an evil imp.

Trivia: Due to the low budget, they couldn't rent the bowling alley at peak times so could only film between 9pm and 9am.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)

Plot: Christ returns to earth and has to contend with an army of vampires. Oh and it's a musical as well.

Trivia: The film was shot at weekends during a 2 year period and stars Johnny Vegas as himself. Just not the actual Johnny Vegas.

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988)

Plot: While a private eye searches for a runaway, he stumbles upon a cult of prostitutes who use chainsaws to kill men.

Trivia: The UK video sleeve wasn't allowed to have the word chainsaw used so instead it was called Hollywood Hookers. Yeah, much better.

Microwave Massacre (1983)

Plot: Sick of his wife's cooking, Donald decides to kill her. He soon becomes obsessed with his microwave and uses human flesh for food.

Trivia: There is an uncredited cameo from Pee-wee Herman.

Blood Beach (1980)

Plot: Beachgoers are being dragged into the sand before they can even get to the water. A group of friends discover that a monster is responsible and try to hunt it down.

Trivia: One of the more obvious Jaws rip-offs, it boasted the tagline: 'Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the can't get to it'.

The Video Dead (1987)

Plot: A family move into a house and discover that there is a haunted television in the attic that acts as a portal for the undead to enter.

Trivia: The director was also behind a film called Ratdog. Mysteriously, nothing is known about Ratdog.

James Batman (1966)

Plot: Batman, Robin and James Bond are summoned to see off the threat of an evil emperor's dastardly atom bomb plot.

Trivia: Hard to track down since it's a completely illegal and blatant rip-off.

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats (1977)

Plot: A large four-poster bed is possessed by a demon that used to be a tree. It kills a variety of people through the decades.

Trivia: The film is narrated by an artist who is trapped in a painting.

Babes In Toyland (1986)

Plot: During a blizzard, a young girl travels to toyland although she has no time for toys. While there, she tries to stop a wedding but will only gain help from the Toymaster once she starts believing in toys.

Trivia: This one was star-studded, with Drew Barrymore, Keanu Reeves and Pat Morita, aka Mr. Miyagi

Barn Of The Blood Llama (1997)

Plot: Hillbillies trap women at their Wool-o-Rama where genetic experiments are happening on llamas who have toxic spit. Or something.

Trivia: Stars famed horror author Clive Barker (he what wrote Candyman) as himself. Hopefully he was playing an embarrassed version of himself.

Blades (1989)

Plot: A country club is terrorised by a killer lawnmower who preys on golfers.

Trivia: Boasts the nonsensical Jaws-aping tagline: 'Just when you thought it was safe to putt'.

Blackenkenstein (1973)

Plot: A Vietnam veteran gets transformed into a gigantic killer thanks to an experimental doctor and his insanely jealous assistant

Trivia: The set used for a lab in the film actually used items from the original Frankenstein.

Strays (1991)

Plot: After a troubled family move to an isolated house, they find that an evil family of stray cats are also in residence.

Trivia: Stars Oscar-nominated Kathleen Quinlan (Apollo 13). Said Oscar was offered after she starred in Strays.

The Sound Of Horror (1964)

Plot: A group of isolated people in Greece are terrorised by an invisible shrieking dinosaur.

Trivia: Was the film debut of Ingrid Pitt, who later starred in Doctor Zhivago and The Wicker Man.