Tinder might have become the only place that human beings meet these days but that doesn’t mean we’re actually any good at it. Michelle Thomas gives us the lowdown on the profile sins that keep making her swipe left.
Listen up folks…
Sapiosexal
If you describe yourself as sapiosexual, remember that Jimmy Saville was a member of Mensa. If you value intelligence over empathy, compassion, or humour, you might be better off with a prison pen-pal than a real-life human companion.
Just another “____” in London!
Just another profile too dull to read beyond the headline!
I never know what to write / Just ask!
Sure, out of the 30,000 people on this app, you're the one special enough for me to care!
No duckface / bikini shots please
Duckface isn't a female epidemic, Michael Keaton has been slurping invisible spaghetti for years.
No Cartoons
Cartoons of yourself – bitcomics and similar – are scarily self-infantalising. And if your profile includes a minion I will assume you are intellectually impaired.
Don't hold a balled-up fist to your temple
You may think you're discreetly showing off your guns, but it just looks like you're punching yourself in the head
The 'this-definitely-isn't-a-selfie' selfie
You're not fooling anyone with your arm-raised-while-casually-gazing-into-the-distance-on-the-sofa/train/in the car selfie.
Selfie surrounded by fit women
You're so cool! I wish I could get my photo taken with a man!
I'm a feminist!
While objectively excellent, it's not something you should wield to curry favour. If you say you're a feminist then tell me you love John Lennon and Norman Mailer, we're not going to get on.
Here's a picture of me with a celebrity!
Why? Do you think I'm gonna think you're mates?
Been hurt too many times / Are there any nice girls out there?
I recently saw a profile with the headline “lonely, pessimistic and desperate for love”. Don't. Just don't. Bitterness doesn't make you look sensitive. Self-pity doesn't make us want to be the one to “fix” you. It just highlights the one common denominator in all your failed relationships – you.
If you don't look like your profile pics, you're buying the drinks until you do!
Usually from guys who've uploaded seven group shots and one close up so grainy it could be Eddie Redmayne, or Dean Gaffney.
Why don't girls ever send the first message?
I don't know. Everyone knows whining is a massive aphrodisiac.
On-the-phone
This is genuinely odd. You're so busy and important you had to take a call with one hand while taking a selfie with the other in your Mum's dining room? Sure.
Willing to lie about how we met!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA you will die alone.
