It's a cold and wet day on a posh farm in the middle of nowhere, and we're watching the talented stunt performers of The Lord of the Rings: Rings of Power re-enact the first major battle scene from episode one of its third season. The elves Arondir and Galadriel are surrounded by orcs, and make quick work of their foes as they close in.
Instead of being dressed as orcs and elves, of course, they're wearing more sensible gymwear. We should've brought a warmer jacket for this.
Now it's our turn to be the orcs who get sliced up by the elves – except we're cold-ridden and approximately 5% as fit as the stunt performers who choreograph this in the show. Since Amazon's marketing people are filming this, too, we're also terrified of the footage getting out and showcasing our orc acting in Star Wars Kid-like meme fashion.
That's the mental and physical state you find us in for the 'prescribed fun' portion of this Amazon Prime Video press trip.
The battle really looks the part in the show. In season 3 of Rings of Power, the story draws focus to Sauron's ascent in Middle-Earth's second age – gone are the divisive Harfoots who slowed the pacing down, which feels like a sensible creative decision.
This is now a series that's almost entirely about the war between Sauron and the elves, dwarves and men of Middle-Earth, which is a more exciting starting point. Superficially, it's starting to look much more like the prologue from Fellowship of the Ring, which might be an incentive to check it out again on Prime Video if you watched season 1 and noped out because you found it too slow or off-brand for Tolkien.
Besides, there's no doubting the quality of the production values of Rings of Power, which films in the UK. The stunt team clearly love getting to play in the Middle-Earth sandbox.
Falling down
First, these performers teach us how to fall over…professionally. In theory, that sounds like the easy bit, but there's a technique to doing it without getting hurt. We're taught to do it in three stages, almost rhythmically: while falling backwards, land on your arse, then your back, then your head. All the while, we're instructed to keep our eyes looking down – a protective measure to keep the head in a controlled position.
We're doing this with a crash mat, which isn't something the stunt team can always use when they're shooting on location in, say, a forest. We're brittle journalists, however, so the extra support is very much welcome.
We manage to almost miss the mat when falling down on one occasion, perhaps suggesting we don't have a future as a stunt double for Ryan Gosling.
In a far more embarrassing twist, we're taught to walk and make noises like an orc across the arena as a warm-up exercise, which Amazon is filming for promotional purposes. That footage is presumably now the property of Jeff Bezos, which is really something to think about.
We get the honour of playing the first orc to be slain...
Then comes the big fight itself. We're asked to select a weapon from the orc armoury, which is loaded with the less polished and darker blades you might associate with this faction of Middle-Earth. They're all remarkably light, and were actually used during filming.
We select a hefty mace, which we're encouraged to hold slightly further up the hilt, presumably to avoid any cave troll-style swings of the thing that end in disaster.
Each journalist is assigned one role in the battle. We get the honour of playing the first orc to be slain by Arondir. The manoeuvre is simple: swing the mace high from the right, and meet the elf's blade as his stunt double, Jordan, attacks from the same position. As the metal clashes, we stagger back and allow Arondir to spin onto the ground and slice our orc's tummy open.
We then grasp the wound, fall to the ground and crawl out of the way of the action while the rest of the orcs are getting murked. Simple!
We rehearse it in three ways: slow motion, half speed and full speed. That's a lot of pretending to watch your orc intestines spill out. There's not really much of a trick to it – the mace is so light that it genuinely feels like playfighting with plastic swords or sticks when you're a kid, except there's no risk of anyone getting poked in the eye and going home in tears to tell their mum.
The stunt people are very nice and professional, and seem to sense we need validation for the quality of our work. The 'good job!'-style compliments keep coming, just for the simple act of clutching on to some pretend orc intestines and collapsing gigantically in slow motion like the heaving beasts of PlayStation 2 classic Shadow of the Colossus.
By the third or fourth time, however, having a brutal cold combined with the responsibilities of being a stunt orc begins to take its toll. But just as it's almost over, it turns out we're going to perform the set piece once again for actor Daniel Weyman, aka Gandalf in the show.
One more battle, then we can die for real in a corner next to a radiator. This must've been how Frodo felt as he approached Mount Doom.
Except, there's another go after that, as Weyman is joined by fellow actor Tyroe Muhafidin. By the time it's done, we've clutched our tummies and died at least six times.
Weyman congratulates us on doing a great job as we exit the stunt arena. It takes every bit of restraint we have not to say, "thank you, Gandalf."
Now, with a hard day of stunt work done – fine, 90 minutes, tops – we can go home and lie in the recovery position.
The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power Season 3 premieres on Prime Video from November 11th.
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