Tracking the soaring stocks and junk bonds of social media, helping you to invest carefully and speculate wisely. (By Rhodri Marsden)
December 20th, 2013
Rising: Christmas threats
If i don't get an iphone for christmas i will get so freaking mad at my parents- hannah (@MyManKidrauhl) December 20, 2013
if i don't get shit for xmas im ....... yall going see all yall gone be died starting with Asia- THE MAN WIT THE PLAN (@lets_gooo_dukee) December 20, 2013
If my family gets me a bed for Xmas I'm going to be so pissed. On the other hand, if I don't get a bed for Xmas... I will be so pissed.- Pamela Dean Ruth (@PamelaDeanRuth) December 20, 2013
If I don't get my panettone for Christmas.... Shits going down- Jillian Pizzo (@jillpizzo) December 20, 2013
We deserve this stuff, for god's sake. We've spent all year attempting to rein in sullen moods and curb the force of our tantrums; surely we deserve our just rewards on December 25th? Surely we're entitled to feel a sense of entitlement at this, the most wonderful time of the year?
If I don't get a scalextric for Xmas, Ima be be pretty pissed off- Kid Ink (@IAmChaarlie) December 18, 2013
If my godmother don't get me nothing for Christmas I'm taking her shit right back.- CoolAssD☺️ (@Forever_Dess) December 20, 2013
if i don't get the 2014 glee calendar for christmas i'm putting myself up for adoption- mel (@klainky) December 20, 2013
If my parents don't get me candy like I asked for for Christmas, I'm pissing on all the presents- fuck (@LiLQUiSBTD) December 19, 2013
If I don't get tickets for Christmas I'm gonna punch my mom in the boob- alli (@tomlinclocks) December 20, 2013
~Lawd knows I'm gon be pissed as FUCK if my daddy don't get me my Iphone for Xmas =..=- ~♥ (@RudolphRed_nose) December 16, 2013
If I don't get a car for Xmas I'm stabbing someone.- BooFab (@mannyboofab) December 20, 2013
I've been asking for this expensive terrarium for Christmas for two years now. If I don't get it I will throw a bitch fit ok- Bree (@breewalker_) December 20, 2013
If I don't get this dang puppy for Christmas, I'm boycotting my parents and not feeding all 3 of my other dogs- Hannah Haun (@hannahhaun) December 20, 2013
If I don't get 1D This is us DVD for Xmas I'm gonna roundhouse someone- Jack Barrett (@JackBarrett90) December 19, 2013
If I don't get a tanning package for Christmas imma lose ma shit- kate killaram (@kate_killoran) December 20, 2013
if i don't get miley or beyonces album for xmas i will KICK OFF.- Neely (@LucyCMorgan) December 19, 2013
if i don't get a wu-tang clan shirt for Christmas, i'm fucking somebody up.- ㅤㅤㅤㅤ (@rkvlly) December 20, 2013
If I don't get what I want for Christmas I'm going to break and ruin my sisters presents- erik clemons (@erik_clemons) December 20, 2013
PS – Just for a sense of balance, let us reflect on the words of goody-goody Hayes Poole, who clearly has no idea what the spirit of Christmas is all about:
I couldn't care less if I don't get a lot for Christmas, seeing family and friends; faces light up when they open gifts is enough for me- Hayes Poole (@CommunityPoole) December 20, 2013
December 19th, 2013
David Coplet doubted the value of Twitter when he set up his account on the 10th May 2011. His ambivalence towards the social media channel was reflected in his choice of username, @utterbollocks. Judging by his Twitter output, he joined in order to find out more about the rumours that were circulating online about various celebrities but had been suppressed in the press by super injunctions.
super injunctions- david coplet (@utterbollocks) May 10, 2011
David will have learned precious little about super injunctions by tweeting the words "super injunctions". He will have posted his tweet, looked at his computer and thought "Now what? This is stupid." With no-one to guide him through the Twitter maze and precious little interest in discovering how it works, David took two weeks off.
But the frenzy of speculation surrounding the identity of people involved in extra marital affairs, spankings or worse, drew David back to Twitter. He needed to know more. He had once piece of information – that footballer Ryan Giggs was involved in something or other – and decided to use @utterbollocks to draw that information out of the social media whirl.
ryan giggs- david coplet (@utterbollocks) May 22, 2011
But, once again, Twitter failed to deliver any intrigue to David's door. David had had enough. He departed Twitter for good, leaving us with a two-tweet legacy that's a testament to Twitter's steep learning curve for those who aren't social media-savvy. Thousands of accounts spring up like this every day: famous ones like Moira Stuart's (her account, now deleted, contained three tweets – “moira_stuart… is new to Twitter and is confused”, “Fiona Bruce” and “is new to Twitter”) and ones like David's that don't even self-consciously refer to their state of confusion.
I don't know for sure that this is true, but if you happen to bump into David Coplet and you ask him his opinion on Twitter, I reckon he'll say "It's utter bollocks." And who's to say he's not right?
December 17th, 2013
On social media, however, he remains a divisive figure. The last 24 hours has seen a flood of contemptuous tweets pouring scorn upon the father of modern medicine.
Hate hippocrates.- ✞ Jeanette ✞ (@bcstriker2) December 17, 2013
Worst types of people:Selfish people, Hippocrates, Ignorant people- Denzel Harris (@Not__Mexican) December 16, 2013
And to all the white bitch drama on twitter. All your boi's say is smoke weed and be peaceful so you are all Hippocrates.- HADES (@SatanicThough) December 16, 2013
I hate Hippocrates, why act like you care about something when you really don't ? ...- Maria A. Macias (@MariaaMacx33) December 17, 2013
I suppose it's a small mark of respect that the people who invoke the name of Hippocrates continue to capitalise his name, but it still seems unfair to blame him for so much.
Parents are such freakin Hippocrates- patrick walker (@p_walker99) December 17, 2013
You're all a bunch of Hippocrates !- lovely_kisha (@BisshhSoSour) December 17, 2013
I hate Hippocrates- Dee✌️✌️ (@IVXXII__) December 17, 2013
If our teachers think we are going to put in 100% effort this week they must be Hippocrates for telling us not to do drugs- Peter Gammans (@gamm_bam15) December 16, 2013
Hippocrates kill my soul.- Raven Paris (@Exotic_Llove) December 16, 2013
It's also unacceptable, in my view, to infer that he had a massive bum.
People these days r big ass Hippocrates- Diana Vazquez (@brock072807) December 16, 2013
One thing that annoys me are Hippocrates 😴- ❄️MR DECEMBER 26th❄️ (@KayAffluence) December 17, 2013
IS Hippocrates. Not ARE Hippocrates. IS.
It's notable that other figures of Ancient Greece don't come in for anything like the same level of criticism, although I'd have to say that I can't condone this kind of behaviour:
I laid out my sixth form clothes on my bed ready to hang up and Archimedes had to shit ALL over them- Rachel (@Rchl_Prks) August 30, 2013
December 16th, 2013
Rising: Getting drunk
Can't wait to get shitfaced tonight🎉🍷- Abb (@abbiecheetham1) December 13, 2013
We live in stressful times. The economic outlook is bleak. Job security is poor. Wages are, in the main, failing to rise in line with inflation. We work harder and harder for less money in real terms. Fortunately it's the festive season, and we can attempt to put this all out of our minds by drinking ourselves into oblivion.
FYI we are open until 19:00 then we going to get drunk. M- Dynamo boxing (@dynamoboxing) December 13, 2013
Had the WORST day ever. All I want is wine and to get so drunk, I can't even speak.- Amie Price (@amieprice94) December 13, 2013
The last couple of days has seen Twitter reverberate with positive intent. There are plans afoot. Those plans are to get totally alcoholled.
Fuck it I'm going to get drunk.- Joanne (@_Jsx) December 13, 2013
Gonna go get my wig chopped then I'm off to get totally fucking rat arsed, seen as I've promised to be good over christmas aha :p- AnthonyCasperSnape (@CasperSnape) December 13, 2013
I think I'm going to get drunk & blackout tonight- Mikey Meyers (@mikeymeyersss) December 13, 2013
This will, albeit very temporarily, make things seem marginally better than they actually are. In fact, the reverse is true; a situation is being created where things are going to become marginally worse, because tomorrow morning everything will be just as it was except your head will hurt, your digestive tract will be pulsating with the aftershock of tequila and you'll have left your wallet in Streatham.
Friiiiiday the 13th ooooo let's get wankered- Liv Burton (@oliviaburton27) December 13, 2013
Half hour left. Then its time to get totally shit faced!- Joe Payne (@J0Payne) December 13, 2013
I'm getting so fucking drunk tonight- bethanstacey (@bethanjaynexo) December 13, 2013
Last Friday was a popular day for the annual work Christmas party, which only expedited the need to get utterly wasted:
Work Xmas party tonight... Probably am going to get drunk #truth- Ruthie Newton (@RuthNewton83) December 13, 2013
It's my work Christmas party tonight. I will definitely not* get shitfaced and or hit on my colleagues. *I definitely will.- Lauren Deeley (@FleurDeeley) December 13, 2013
Work Xmas party tonight... Probably am going to get drunk #truth- Ruthie Newton (@RuthNewton83) December 13, 2013
Work Christmas party tonight. 100+ hammered radiographers loose in Brighton #Professional- Ciara Molloy (@CiaraJeanMolloy) December 13, 2013
Christmas work party at The Grand tonight. I'm going to get drunk and insult as many managers as possible.- Boycie James Freeman (@boyciefreeman) December 13, 2013
Work Christmas night out... booze... karaoke... Friday the 13th... what could possibly go wrong?- Heavy Metal Overload (@HMOverload) December 13, 2013
This, of course, is a question that barely needs to be asked. Here's another one:
Who's planning on getting absolutely gazeboed tonight?!- March On, March (@OfficialMOMUK) December 13, 2013
Answer: everyone. Here's hoping you made it.
December 12th, 2013
Rising: Prime numbers
Raise two to the power of a power of two, add one, and that's a prime. There's a theory that every number greater than two can be expressed as a sum of two primes. We know lots of stuff about them, but they're endlessly mysterious. There's a constant pursuit of uncovering the biggest one – the most recently being the Mersenne prime, found lurking in the numbersphere earlier this year with some 17.5 million digits to its name. By 2024 we'll be finding primes with a billion digits, thanks to laborious computations undertaken by high-powered processors and blokes standing near them with mugs of coffee, roaring them on to success.
There are numerous conjectures surrounding them, from the Elliot–Halbestam conjecture to the Dickson conjecture to the Polignac conjecture to Golbach's conjecture – and also "Goldbach's weak conjecture", which isn't as good as his other conjecture. Cryptography depends on them entirely; the multiplication of two huge prime numbers is the cornerstone of everything from online banking to buying a scented candle on Paypal.
And now, prime numbers have finally been given the recognition they finally deserve on Twitter. 70 days ago, this tweet appeared.
2- Prime Numbers (@_primes_) October 2, 2013
A new prime is posted every hour. Today, we're already up to:
14519- Prime Numbers (@_primes_) December 12, 2013
But the Twitter community's biggest affection – count all those retweets, um, seven! Also a prime! – is for Prince's Prime, or
1999- Prime Numbers (@_primes_) October 15, 2013
It's a big job, but someone's got to do it. Or, as one wag put it:
December 9th, 2013
Rising: Rest In Peace
I should say at this point I don't doubt the sincerity of anyone who actually experiences strong emotion in such moments (I mean, on Twitter, who would dare), but it just occurred to me that I don't really know anyone who would say "Rest In Peace" in real life (let alone "May he/she rest in peace") but there's something about the internet that seems to bring out everyone's inner vicar.
May he rest in peace 👼- A Perfect Queen (@fairybere_) December 9, 2013
Today I've already learned through RIPtweets that a writer called Mickey Knox and a director called Edouard Molinaro have died, and that we've just passed anniversaries of Jim Morrison's birth and John Lennon's death – both marked with a good deal of RIPping.
Maybe it's my atheist nature that leads me to doubt the usefulness of wishing RIPs. But the huge volume of RIPtweets following the death of someone very well-known – let's say for the sake of argument Nelson Mandela – means that for the first five minutes that the news has broken, many of the tweets that state "Nelson Mandela #RIP" don't actually mean "Nelson Mandela, rest in peace" – they mean "Nelson Mandela is dead," or "Have you heard, Nelson Mandela is dead?", or even "I heard that Nelson Mandela died before you you did." And thereafter, it almost feels like people feel compelled to publicly post an RIP message, lest it be thought that they don't give a shit about Nelson Mandela. As a result, news of deaths sweep across Twitter in a curious way: invocations that would normally remain private become viral information carriers. I don't know why it bothers me, but it does, a bit. Not much, just a bit.
Hence the currently trending topic #RIPAlexTurner, a symptom of our need to a) publicly express our condolences to humanity on the death of someone famous (even when it's a hoax, as this one was – the Arctic Monkeys singer is OK)
and b) our incredulity that someone would perpetrate such a hoax.
#RIPAlexTurner i almost had a panic attack what kinda sick joke is this ???- ♡ in wonderland ♡ (@_infxnxty) December 9, 2013
And as the RIPs mount up, they seem to be somehow devalued, and I suddenly wish that there were another way of expressing sadness at someone's passing, but then I realise that there isn't one, and I should probably be thankful that at least it's RIP and not OMG.
December 5th, 2013
Rising: Is It Christmas Yet?
The notion that Christmas might actually slip your mind, then, seems to make for a compelling running gag. If you want to check whether it's Christmas yet, you have many options; a website with black writing on a white background, or, if you don't find that aesthetically pleasing, another one with white writing on a red background. You have a 4-star rated app for Android, with one reviewer suggesting that the "NO" wasn't big enough, another complaining that it didn't even say "YES" after midday on the 25th, and another claiming that it makes them laugh "everyday – my family have even starting asking 'Is It Christmas?'" If you want a fun-packed Christmas Day I suggest you wangle an invite to their house.
And then there's Twitter. Back on 16th July 2011, someone successfully ported across the idea of a Christmas reminder, with little fanfare:
No.- Probably Not (@IsItXmasYet) July 16, 2011
They half-heartedly kept it up until August, before giving up.
No- Probably Not (@IsItXmasYet) August 12, 2011
This year, however, there's a new kid on the block – although with @IsItXmasYet having being taken, they've been forced to use @IsItXmasNow instead, which probably pissed them off slightly when they realised, but they've probably got over it now. And look, people can't get enough of @IsItXmasNow. Look at the retweets:
No.- Is it Christmas yet? (@IsItXmasNow) November 30, 2013
Who needs an Advent Calendar? The 4,500 followers of @IsItXmasNow will anticipate the word "YES" being tweeted on Christmas Day with frenetic enthusiasm – and then it'll happen, it'll get retweeted about 5,000 times or something, and then we'll wait to see whether the person operating it can be arsed to carry on. (Because, judging by the time the tweets are being posted, it's not an automated bot.) If they make it to February I'll give them 10 quid as a reward for dogged persistence.
December 3rd, 2013
Flatlining: Telling it like it is
I tell it like it is- Javiera Nuñez (@MissJavieraa) December 3, 2013
You don't have to be using Twitter for long to realise that it's a vehicle for expressing views frankly. Whether you're calling a celebrity a knob, advocating voluntary repatriation or laying into cans of no-drain tuna because you actually had to drain them a bit, people are incredibly prone to splenetic venting. They rarely pause to think, to consider the other side of the story, to take a moment to reflect upon their own position in the wider scheme of things. No, they tell it like it is.
Although I hate how straight-forward I am, I love it because I tell it like it is.- I steal E.B.T cards! (@FrenchKissMyD) December 3, 2013
I tell it like it is!- Brittany❤ (@brittmariee8) December 3, 2013
Thing is, Sabha, if you didn't tell it like it is, maybe acknowledge that you're telling it like you think it is, or perhaps canvas opinion from a broader section of society, then reach some kind of consensus and THEN tell it like it is, people wouldn't hate you.
I Tell It Like It Is...Even If It Hurts!- ✨JourneyTo25 ✨ (@TheRealDRoseMUA) December 3, 2013
But it hurts! Don't tell it like it is, please.
I don't mince my words, if I don't like you I'm gonna tell you to fuck off basically 💁- SkyMarie.† (@iSkyMariee) November 30, 2013
Mince them, Marie. Mince them up a bit.
I see so many foolish tweets replying me. Am sorry if am rude bt I don't suffer fools gladly- Seyon Hundeyin (@Hundeyin1) November 27, 2013
Suffer them, Seyon. It'll make things nicer. What we're looking at here, basically, is people admitting openly to character flaws while somehow simultaneously claiming that they are powerless to change.
The way some people sugar-coat lies to these Celebs. I call a spade a spade. And I will dish you the truth! If you're wack you're wack!- Sydney the Gunner (@PenGunner) December 3, 2013
Don't call a spade a spade, then.
Don't speak as you find.
@MarkLewisLawyer He didn't bear a grudge for me asking him to resign... no fear no favor, I speak as I find :)- Louise Mensch (@LouiseMensch) July 10, 2013
I call it like I see it, that rules applies to everyone girlfriend, homie, teacher, whoever!- Sh∆n (@Capo__OfCapis) December 3, 2013
Don't call it like you see it.
I can be brutally honest and if it hurts your feelings, good! At least you know the truth cause I'm not gonna sugar coat things for you.- Isabella Martinez (@BellaaTrixx_) December 3, 2013
Don't be brutally honest. Maybe just be honest. Couch your thoughts within gentler language in order to spread a small amount of harmony very thinly.
Everyone thinks I'm such a bitch. I promise I'm nice when you get to know me.- Hollz Baker (@holleyanne_) August 11, 2013
Be nice now?
I always speak my mind, as long as it's something I firmly believe I have no problem doing it, that's just who I am- Anthony Miller (@MexicAnthony) December 3, 2013
That's just who Anthony is.
I always speak my mind and sometimes it just makes things worse..- Tessa Jordan (@Tesslut) December 3, 2013
I always speak my mind that's my fuckin problem- IG: Gucci_AceB (@Gucci_AceB) December 3, 2013
People probably hate my guts cus I always speak my mind lol- Brittany Molly ♥✨ (@Bodacious_Molly) December 2, 2013
You've got to stop speaking your mind, chaps. It's an overrated virtue. I'm just telling it like it is.