Tracking the soaring stocks and junk bonds of social media, helping you to invest carefully and speculate wisely. (By Rhodri Marsden)
NOVEMBER 13TH, 2013
Flatlining: Spitting out tea
Just said the words "structural integrity" when describing a block of cheese. The wanker alarm sounded and my mum hit me with a mallet.- Dolly (@TheDollSays) July 21, 2010
If you're buying condoms from the toilet in a Little Chef, chances are that's sex you shouldn't be having.- October Jones (@OctoberJones) October 23, 2010
But one thing I've never done is spat out my tea. I've never scrolled down the timeline, seen a funny tweet and unleashed a torrent of brown liquid all over myself or my family. I don't know whether that's because I'm not as predisposed to explosive laughter as other people, or because I don't keep a small quantity of tea rolling around in my mouth for hours while waiting for mirth to strike. But I don't. Not even away from Twitter, in what we laughably refer to as real life, do I spit my tea. But some people evidently keep a special cloth handy for all the spat tea. Hundreds of people every day are doing it, either projecting thin streams of tea into the screen or causing a multi-directional tea explosion to contaminate a wider area.
@Ashton5SOS I JUST SPAT OUT MY TEA- Cat (ू•ᴗ•ू❁)❤ (@caityskate) November 12, 2013
Some people, mindful of how prevalent this cliché is, are quick to reassure their friends of the veracity of their tea spitting, although I note that no picture is attached to offer convincing proof.
@MissAbiParker - When I tell you I spat out my tea, I'm actually not joking either.- Katy Shaf (@KatyShaf) November 12, 2013
Some spit on their laptop:
@danisnotonfire This is just great I literally spat tea all over my laptop!! So funny ohhh gosh ;)- PRINCΞSS DIΞ (@xEmilyInaMazex) November 11, 2013
Some spit on their phone:
Just watched the video again and spat tea all over my phone- melissa (@melissabadinca) November 6, 2013
Some just spit everywhere.
Sat here watching Harry hill's tv burp and I've just laughed so much that I've spat my tea everywhere ☺- Emm (@em_jaynee) November 11, 2013
Some people NEARLY spit their tea everywhere, but that's not good enough. Try harder.
Wah!! This commercial featuring Ronda Rousey is hilarious! I nearly spat my tea everywhere! http://t.co/fGr1F8kgyf- Mae-Lin Leow (@mmmaelinleow) June 12, 2013
Sat in my flat when the window cleaner goes past in a crane. Nearly spat tea everywhere- Chris Liggett (@ChrisLiggett) April 21, 2013
I NEARLY SPAT MY CUP OF TEA EVERYWHERE. pic.twitter.com/kLwAw130kM- THANK YOU GEORGE. (@GShelleysBlonde) June 5, 2013
Anyway, there's a solution to this problem, which was posted yesterday morning by the reliably excellent @PFPTMillsy:
AVOID spitting tea all over your screen when reading jokes on Twitter by drinking coffee instead. @TwopTwips- Pussy Guffaw (@PFPTMillsy) November 12, 2013
NOVEMBER 8TH, 2013
Rising: Bears and hares
If you've been vaguely active on Twitter today you won't have heard much about the Royal Marine being found guilty of murdering an injured Afghan insurgent, or that fact that Typhoon Haiyan is battering the Philippines, but you'll be very much aware that John Lewis has constructed an animated film about a bear and a hare with the immediate aim of making us feel a bit emotional and the ultimate aim of getting us to splash out on a Cartier Baiser Volé Rue de la Paix Limited Edition Eau de Parfum Gift Set or whatever. With the launch of any marketing campaign comes the unveiling of a hashtag, which is mainly about enabling the construction of a graph to be displayed at a marketing debrief to show how exciting the conversation was surrounding the campaign. In this case, the hashtag is #bearandhare, and here are two wholly unrepresentative tweets that use said hashtag.
John Lewis ad - shite.— lefarq (@lefarq) November 8, 2013
John Lewis didn't need a hashtag, as it goes. #bearandhare isn't trending, but "John Lewis Christmas" is, as people make their feelings about the advert abundantly plain one way or the other.
Am i the only one who watched the #bearandhare John Lewis advert, but immediately thought the bear was about to wipe his arse on the hare?— Paul Truesdale (@Truesdale_Twist) November 8, 2013
we all literally wept at the kitchen table at the new john lewis christmas advert. oh my actual god— Emily Cope (@emilyvcope) November 8, 2013
John Lewis, meanwhile, aren't letting up on the Twitter front. No fewer than three Twitter accounts have been set up in order to disseminate the Christmassy fable of the bear and the hare until, one assumes, the shops have shut on Christmas Eve. We have John Lewis Hare:
The John Lewis Christmas advert can fuck off. Simpering shite.— Chris Holding (@ChrisHolding1) November 8, 2013
And John Lewis Bear:
The thought of Christmas makes my nose twitch with excitement #bearandhare— John Lewis Hare (@JohnLewis_Hare) November 8, 2013
And John Lewis Bear And Hare, which, according to the Twitter bio, will be "highlighting the best from @JohnLewis_Bear and @JohnLewis_Hare":
Zzzzzzzzzz*sniff*zzzzzzzzzzZ #bearandhare— John Lewis Bear (@JohnLewis_Bear) November 8, 2013
Owl keeps bossing everyone about. She’s such a know it all. #bearandhare— John Lewis Hare (@JohnLewis_Hare) November 8, 2013
At the moment, John Lewis Bear is asleep. When John Lewis Bear wakes up, you may be treated to some of the sharpest woodland repartee you ever did hear – but I wouldn't put money on it.
Zzzzzz*I wonder what it’d be like to be a panda? Mmmmm….* zzzzzZ #bearandhare— John Lewis Bear (@JohnLewis_Bear) November 8, 2013
Yes, the bear. You forgot the bear. It's in the hashtag. The bear.
Everyone is busy preparing: Owl, Fox, Bird, Deer, Badger, Weasel, Hedgehog and Squirrel – have I forgotten anyone? #bearandhare— John Lewis Hare (@JohnLewis_Hare) November 8, 2013
NOVEMBER 7TH, 2013
Falling: Stress-inducing tweets
And then you see another one.
Your potential isn't activated until you get in motion.— Trish Blackwell (@trainerTRISH) November 7, 2013
There you were, sitting quietly, trying to think of a pun that, I dunno, connects a film title with a fruit or vegetable or something, and some bastard makes you question your purpose on the planet.
Some of you seriously need to carefully think and plan your future before it's too late, and that's nothing to procrastinate on.— Kelvin (@KrAzyKal305) November 6, 2013
And then you question your relationships, too, and start worrying whether that spot on your face is cancerous, and you make an urgent round of telephone calls to family and friends.
You need to creatively pursue your true potential, take control of your life, and finally, you must share with others.— Catapult Events (@CatapultEvent) November 7, 2013
And then you wake up in the middle of the night, haunted by the memory of a tweet that forced you to wonder whether you ought to be worrying about things in the middle of the night.
Don't mess things up with the last person you would want to see before you die. They are important.— CorrinCotney (@CorrinCotney) November 7, 2013
And then you decide to go back to sleep, because you've been working hard recently and you deserve to get some proper rest – it's a perfectly good excuse, right?
You need to decide - Are you committed to doing what it takes to make your #business successful even when it's not convenient?— Michele Welch (@Michele_Welch) November 7, 2013
And in the morning you wake up and realise that you haven't replaced the toilet brush that you accidentally broke at the weekend, but it's OK, it can wait – you can do it next week, surely?
There is no bravery in excuses. If you try and fail capitalise on your experience and try harder.— Eduyuzz (@eduyuzz) November 6, 2013
And then, as you slump on your desk from the stress of it all, you decide to ignore the phone call from your ailing mother and resolve to call her back in a few minutes when you've pulled yourself together.
So have you achieved everything you wanted this week?— Anna Farmery (@Engagingbrand) September 27, 2013
After all, there's plenty of time left to do everything we want to do in this world, right? Isn't there? Surely?
You really ought to think about how much your actions and behaviors affect people.— *Vanessa* (@vanessamariab97) November 5, 2013
Oh balls, interest rates have gone up.
Any one else feel like time is running out and passing way too quickly?— M A G I A (@Magia_Guarini) November 4, 2013
Interest rates inched up a bit yesterday!! Why are you waiting to lock-in?— Christine Carlson (@ChrisCCarlson) November 6, 2013