Jump to Main ContentJump to Primary Navigation
Top

Danny Wallace: In Defence of Fizzy Lager

fizzybeer.jpg

Danny Wallace stands his ground against the march of craft beer

The first time I met my Australian father-in-law, in a pub off Brick Lane, I ordered a pint of Foster’s and he said nothing about it at all.

It turns out that this was a gentlemanly act on his part, because my wife was horrified when I told her.

“Australians don’t drink Foster’s!” she said, but she’d misread the situation entirely. My ordering a pint of Foster’s was in no way an attempt to ingratiate myself with her dad. I was not saying, “Look! I’m drinking Foster’s! I am just like you Australians who all definitely drink Foster’s!”

The truth is, I’d ordered a pint of Foster’s because I just really like Foster’s.

And Stella. And Beck’s. And especially Heineken.

The cold! The fizz! The first hit of a first pint!

And someone reading this will have just curled their lip in disbelief and banged their fist on the table and yelled something like, “They’re not real beers, Danny! They taste of chemicals and water!”

But they don’t. They taste of beer.

They taste of long afternoons in the pub with your best pals, and sunny days and barbecues. They taste of normal.

Now, I love craft beers, too. But not one after the other. I had one that was made with chamomile the other day. Chamomile! I’m pleased I had it. But I’m not ordering one out loud.

The rise of craft beer is to be applauded. But it is a time to test us. Let us not turn our backs on our non-glamorous friends, who’ve been there for us through thick and thin, just because a bottle with a hand-drawn label that smells of coriander and was brewed in the basement of a monastery by a salmon-fisherman collective on the Isle Of Bute just waltzed in. It would be like turning our backs on a fry-up just because someone with a beard has opened a cereal café. It would be like saying we’ll never again enjoy Marmite, because that doesn’t look as good on Instagram as avocado on toast. It would be like saying, “Why would you have a Big Mac when you could have pulled pork and coleslaw on a toasted brioche bun?”

Well, because Big Macs are awesome. And I’m sick of brioche buns. And we don’t have to put coleslaw on everything! And you never used to buy that many avocados! Now have another McNugget and shut up.

Incidentally, I never told my wife the full truth about that night with her father.

That immediately sounds wrong.

What I mean is, I didn’t have a Foster’s. I had a Foster’s shandy.

I’m just not sure an Australian could take that.

But sometimes? We just want normal.

(Image: Thinkstock)

Related

lockstock1.jpg

18 Pubs From Films You Can Actually Drink In

the-perfect-pint.jpg

You've probably never heard of the world's most popular beer

grillbot.jpg

10 best barbecue gadgets

drinkdrive2.jpg

Why lowering The drink-drive limit isn't the answer

shutterstock_139637489.jpg

Will Alcohol Really Ruin Your Workout?

A2.jpg

The Japanese beer that makes you better looking

Comments

More

Supermarkets might be introducing surge pricing and hey, that is bad

They could ramp up the cost of sandwiches at lunch time

by Gary Ogden
26 Jun 2017

Americans think they've just invented sausage rolls

"This marriage is pretty genius"

by Gary Ogden
26 Jun 2017

Here’s how much you should tip in different countries around the world

Never have an awkward moment abroad again

by Tom Victor
23 Jun 2017

McDonald's delivery is officially here - and yes it includes breakfast

Your hangovers just got that little bit easier

by Tom Victor
22 Jun 2017

Are cold drinks or hot drinks actually better at cooling you down?

There are lots of myths out there, but what's the truth?

by Dave Fawbert
20 Jun 2017

Aldi is selling a ridiculous 16oz steak for under a fiver

This is the sort of news we like

by Tom Victor
15 Jun 2017

If you give "seductive names" to vegetables, people will eat them

Ooooh, those carrots are sexxxxay

by Gary Ogden
14 Jun 2017

Here's where you can exchange an actual cucumber for a gin and tonic

It's for World Cucumber Day, obviously

by Gary Ogden
13 Jun 2017

The Sunday Roast hot dog might be the new perfect food combo

Even reading the list of ingredients will leave you drooling

by Carl Anka
13 Jun 2017

Smirnoff trolls Trump over Russia connections in great new ad

Well played Smirnoff, well played

by Carl Anka
13 Jun 2017