Jump to Main ContentJump to Primary Navigation

Interview: Text From Dog


If you're anything like us you've been following @OctoberJones on Twitter for over a year now, and when his Tumblr 'Text From Dog' ( acompendium of some of his funniest tweets) went viral last month, you were all like "we liked his tweets way before he was cool."

If you're not like us (and be grateful you're not so petty) he may need some introducing. @OctoberJones is a Twitter legend not least because of his brilliant bulldog, that regularly sends him infuriating text messages. Despite being a master of the English language and possessing the opposable thumbs required to send a text, his hound still lacks many of the morals and manners of humans. We spoke to dog (which was odd in it's own right) and this is how it went...

On the whole you’re not very kind to your owner. Some might say you bully him…

OMFG you humans stick together. He deserves everything he gets. He neglects me. Sometimes I throw up in his shoes. Sometimes I wee on his bed. He knows it's his fault.

Why don't you call Dogs Trust?

Because the dogs there are insane.

Your alter ego is Batdog. How’s that working out for you?

It's hard to be the 'Bark Knight' when your owner lacks imagination. He's banned me from using the computer because I tried to buy a grenade launcher on eBay. How can I fight the forces of evil without a grenade launcher? I don't even have a utility belt. I have to tie a Kellogs variety pack around my waist. It's bullsh*t. [Audibly cheering up] Oh, I've designed the BatDog suit, by the way. What's your email, I'll send you it? [Sounding very serious again] If you show this to anyone I will have to murder you up the bum.

We give dog our email address. This comes through...

Okay... Your sidekick was a dead bird you called Zombie Pigeon. What became of him?

Things didn't work out. He wasn't very proactive. Plus, his head fell off.

Have you found a replacement?

Yes. Flat Squirrel.

What special skills does he have?

He's pretty good at getting hit by cars. Sliding under doors. Hiding in photocopiers. That sort of thing.

Poodle.com is one of your preferred, erm, websites. How else do you tend to pass the day?

I try to broaden my horizons. I read. I paint. I enjoy listening to Bach. I recently sculpted an exact replica of Michaelangelo's David in the living room. I didn't have any marble so I made it out of my own poo. That's called 'resourceful'.

Did your owner see it that way?

He lost consciousness pretty quickly. It was a lot of poo.

Is there a Mrs Dog?

No. My thoughtless tw*t of an owner had me 'snipped', thus robbing me of my manhood.

That must have been quite traumatic.

I remember coming out after the operation with two knees shaved. I did a massive wee on the floor in the vets waiting room. I thought that'll teach them.

What’s your favourite trick you’ve played on your owner?

The one where I lay at the top of the stairs in the dark and he tripped over me and almost broke his neck. We laugh about that all the time.

Wasn't that a bit dangerous?

No. I was fine.

What’s your favourite thing to eat that you’re probably not allowed to eat?

My favourite thing to eat is anything that's accidentally left within my grasp. For example, a plate of food left too close to the edge of the table.

Does that taste sweet?

Tastes like victory.

How’s your plans for the Pet Olympics going?

I don't like to boast, but it's going to be awesome. It's definitely going to eclipse the London games. Events so far include: Goldfish Bowl Laps; 200 Metre Arse Drag; Turtle Hurdles; Hamster throw; Mole Vault

Are moles pets?

OMG who are you, the 'Olympic police'? Who wouldn't want to see a mole catapulted 20 feet into the air?

Where do you stand on cats?

I would never stand on a cat. You're a horrible violent person.

I mean how do you feel about them?

I love cats. Some of my best friends are cats. Do you like cats?

Are you aware that you're an internet sensation?

Does that mean I have to fight Justin Bieber to the death?


Because I would be totally up for that.


I could wear my BATDOG costume.


I'd uppercut that chipmunk.

Please stop talking...

Why are you hypervasilating?

That's not a word. Do you have any celebrity followers?

You mean like, Lassie?

No. Not like Lassie.

Is Lassie on Twitter? OMG that would be awesome. I've wet myself just thinking about it. I need to go and lie down.

Dog goes and lies down. We then get two exclusive texts from dog...

Images: Rex / @OctoberJones /Elinor Block (ShortList.com)



Interview: Gus The Fox


The world's ugliest dog dies


Dog TV is go



Why every true crime fan should be watching 'The Keepers'

A true crime hit - but with something extra

by Dan Dalton
26 May 2017

Philomena Cunk is returning to screens with 'Cunk On Britain'

What is Britain and who decided it was great?

by Matt Tate
26 May 2017

Liam Gallagher's first solo gig will be in aid of Manchester victims

He's also announced the name of the first song from his album

by Dave Fawbert
26 May 2017

Aziz Ansari is in the driving seat, and he's settling in for the ride

We spoke to the man who's become a cultural force about diversity, pasta and doing Indian accents

by Chris Mandle
26 May 2017

Danny Baker's 'The Game': the best football show you've never seen

This show is the meaning of Proper Football

by Adam Hurrey
25 May 2017

Watch Gordon Ramsay and Kevin Spacey have a swearing match

Has Ramsay finally met his match?

by Matt Tate
25 May 2017

Tom Hardy is raising money for the victims of the Manchester attack

As if we didn't already love him enough

by Dave Fawbert
25 May 2017

The Rock has finally recreated his amazing fanny pack photo

And yeah, he's pulled it off again

by Gary Ogden
25 May 2017

A scene-by-scene breakdown of the new 'Game of Thrones' trailer

"If we don't put aside our enmities and band together, we will die"

by Alex Finnis
25 May 2017

Watch the new trailer for Valerian & the City of a Thousand Planets

It stars Cara Delevingne, Clive Owen, Rihanna and Herbie Hancock

by Dave Fawbert
24 May 2017