If you're not like us (and be grateful you're not so petty) he may need some introducing. @OctoberJones is a Twitter legend not least because of his brilliant bulldog, that regularly sends him infuriating text messages. Despite being a master of the English language and possessing the opposable thumbs required to send a text, his hound still lacks many of the morals and manners of humans. We spoke to dog (which was odd in it's own right) and this is how it went...
On the whole you’re not very kind to your owner. Some might say you bully him…
OMFG you humans stick together. He deserves everything he gets. He neglects me. Sometimes I throw up in his shoes. Sometimes I wee on his bed. He knows it's his fault.
Why don't you call Dogs Trust?
Because the dogs there are insane.
Your alter ego is Batdog. How’s that working out for you?
It's hard to be the 'Bark Knight' when your owner lacks imagination. He's banned me from using the computer because I tried to buy a grenade launcher on eBay. How can I fight the forces of evil without a grenade launcher? I don't even have a utility belt. I have to tie a Kellogs variety pack around my waist. It's bullsh*t. [Audibly cheering up] Oh, I've designed the BatDog suit, by the way. What's your email, I'll send you it? [Sounding very serious again] If you show this to anyone I will have to murder you up the bum.
We give dog our email address. This comes through...
Okay... Your sidekick was a dead bird you called Zombie Pigeon. What became of him?
Things didn't work out. He wasn't very proactive. Plus, his head fell off.
Have you found a replacement?
Yes. Flat Squirrel.
What special skills does he have?
He's pretty good at getting hit by cars. Sliding under doors. Hiding in photocopiers. That sort of thing.
Poodle.com is one of your preferred, erm, websites. How else do you tend to pass the day?
I try to broaden my horizons. I read. I paint. I enjoy listening to Bach. I recently sculpted an exact replica of Michaelangelo's David in the living room. I didn't have any marble so I made it out of my own poo. That's called 'resourceful'.
Did your owner see it that way?
He lost consciousness pretty quickly. It was a lot of poo.
Is there a Mrs Dog?
No. My thoughtless tw*t of an owner had me 'snipped', thus robbing me of my manhood.
That must have been quite traumatic.
I remember coming out after the operation with two knees shaved. I did a massive wee on the floor in the vets waiting room. I thought that'll teach them.
What’s your favourite trick you’ve played on your owner?
The one where I lay at the top of the stairs in the dark and he tripped over me and almost broke his neck. We laugh about that all the time.
Wasn't that a bit dangerous?
No. I was fine.
What’s your favourite thing to eat that you’re probably not allowed to eat?
My favourite thing to eat is anything that's accidentally left within my grasp. For example, a plate of food left too close to the edge of the table.
Does that taste sweet?
Tastes like victory.
How’s your plans for the Pet Olympics going?
I don't like to boast, but it's going to be awesome. It's definitely going to eclipse the London games. Events so far include: Goldfish Bowl Laps; 200 Metre Arse Drag; Turtle Hurdles; Hamster throw; Mole Vault
Are moles pets?
OMG who are you, the 'Olympic police'? Who wouldn't want to see a mole catapulted 20 feet into the air?
Where do you stand on cats?
I would never stand on a cat. You're a horrible violent person.
I mean how do you feel about them?
I love cats. Some of my best friends are cats. Do you like cats?
Are you aware that you're an internet sensation?
Does that mean I have to fight Justin Bieber to the death?
Because I would be totally up for that.
I could wear my BATDOG costume.
I'd uppercut that chipmunk.
Please stop talking...
Why are you hypervasilating?
That's not a word. Do you have any celebrity followers?
You mean like, Lassie?
No. Not like Lassie.
Is Lassie on Twitter? OMG that would be awesome. I've wet myself just thinking about it. I need to go and lie down.
Dog goes and lies down. We then get two exclusive texts from dog...
Images: Rex / @OctoberJones /Elinor Block (ShortList.com)