Jump to Main ContentJump to Primary Navigation

Portugal unveil hilarious statue to commemorate opening of Cristano Ronaldo Airport


Look, all I’m saying is: if I were the greatest sportsman a country had ever produced, a gleaming, shimmering spectacle of genetic perfection and sporting dominance and a noted philanthropist who looked quite a lot like a Greek god – perhaps the Greek god of Ibiza nightclubs and pool cabanas – then I would probably like to have final sign-off on any and all bronze effigies unveiled in my honor.

Let it never be said that Cristiano Ronaldo would not shag himself to shreds if the opportunity so arose, so I can’t imagine that the reigning World’s Best Player would be dead pleased with this. It looks like The Head from Art Attack. It looks like a young geezer from Huddersfield who took too many pills and now he’ll never eat bread right again. It looks like his eyes have started slipping off his head. It looks like… It looks a bit like a commemoration to Raoul Moat – a kind of fever dream, rose-tinted Moaty, rebuilt in buff orange metal.

"Moaty! It's me, a recently unemployed Portuguese sculptor!"

"Moaty! It's me, a recently unemployed Portuguese sculptor!"

I never realised a statue could feel pain.

This sculptor might find himself floating off the Madeiran coast, but not before Ronny and the boys have pelted a few free-kicks at him first. 

(Or, you know, Ronaldo might just think “lol fuck it – everyone knows what I actually look like. This is just a slip of the hand by a man trying his best. Come here, Sculptor Man: let me buy you a three-pack pair of grey-and-white CR7 undies to say thank you.”)



The Green Ranger was kicked out of the 'Power Rangers' premiere


San Diego could vote to name its new soccer team 'Footy McFooty Face'


Ray Parlour's story of how Arsenal signed Igors Stepanovs is amazing


Meet Glenn Tamplin: the Donald Trump of non-league football

Twitter tantrums and lion murals - what's going on at Billericay?

by Dave Fawbert
22 Aug 2017

Neymar is already doing absolutely obscene things at PSG

What an outrageous goal

by Tom Victor
21 Aug 2017

Sergio Ramos just mercilessly destroyed Lionel Messi

Best in the world? Go fetch mate

by Carl Anka
17 Aug 2017

The 25 best forgotten Premier League goals of all time

Sorry, but these are all better than that Bergkamp goal

by Tom Victor
15 Aug 2017

The Premier League could make the transfer change we've all been after


by Tom Victor
15 Aug 2017

This ref-cam video from Real Madrid's recent game is very, very cool

Shows just how impossible their job is

by Tom Victor
14 Aug 2017

Mo Farah is ditching his name for his new career as a marathon runner

Retiring from track and retiring his name

by Tom Victor
14 Aug 2017

The 50 greatest José Mourinho quotes

Not short of self-confidence

by Tom Victor
11 Aug 2017

Which new Premier League signings will flop this season?

Who'll be a hit and who will be shit?

by Sam Diss
11 Aug 2017

Brutally honest stereotypes about every Premier League team's fans

Who are ya? Who are ya? Who are ya?

by Sam Diss
10 Aug 2017