What had you done by the time you were 12?
That’s Year 7, so the first year of ‘senior school’. Speaking personally, my achievements to that point included deciding that football was brilliant, playing the piano (badly) and being able to do the disappearing thumb trick. And I was considered pretty advanced amongst my peer group. These days though? I’d be nothing. I’d be an embarrassment. Because there’s kids like ‘Jenk Oz’ about and they are here to make you feel completely worthless.
He’s a 12-year-old business superstar, whose Instagram bio reads: “Actor.Musician.Entrepreneur. CEO/Founder iCoolKid.com” and is the subject of breathless profile pieces by Business Insider and FQ Magazine, who’ve charted the various strands to his glamorous lifestyle.
His company, iCoolKid is a “digital media platform”/”multi-channel digital lifestyle hub” aimed at 8-to-15-year-olds, while he’s also an actor, singer, model, dancer and musician, having appeared in Sky Atlantic's Fortitude, A Hundred Streets, starring Idris Elba, and in West End performances of The Last of De Mullin and Taming of the Shrew.
His Instagram is awash with photos of him looking like the ultimate cool kid. Take a peek, go on.
It is at this point, however, that we must ask the question: is it wrong to hate a child?
Come on, don’t pretend you’re not thinking it too. We can see you thinking it. But, surely, it’s great to see someone so young achieving all their dreams right? Well…
Let’s begin with iCoolKid, which is the company he started when he was eight, apparently inspired by ‘Show and Tell’ sessions at school.
He tells FQ: “I was always out and about trying new hobbies or going to see a cool performance/show. When I next saw my friends they would want to hear all about my adventures, so I thought it would be great idea to share all the interesting things I was doing.”
And he tells Business Insider: "Every morning after the weekend, teachers would ask, 'So what did everyone do this weekend?' I would always have something different to say than everyone else – a musical, a dance competition, instead of a football or rugby match. People would say, 'Jenk, could I come with you this time?' So mum started writing an email blog every week on Friday about what I was doing over the weekend.”
Yes, that’s right, his life was so much better and more interesting that everyone else at school that his mum – oh, by the way, she’s an ex-managing director of Goldman Sachs (yes, the investment bank memorably described as a ‘vampire squid’) – decided to send an email round to everyone to brag about it.
OK, so it does sound like the kid is talented. He tells Business Insider: "I've been performing since I was about four years old. I started doing acting and music very young. I learned to play piano when I was I can't even remember how old – four or five – then adopted the drums and guitar. As of very recently, I've started playing the saxophone, and I'm now highest grade piano."
“Highest grade”? Who says that? Why wouldn’t you just say a number? What grade is that ‘highest grade’ Jenk? 7? WRONG. BUSTED.
Next up, just study this photo, which is accompanied by the caption: “A couple years later — in late 2016 — iCoolKid was born as a digital publishing, media, consulting and production company providing original content for Generation Z.”
Just look at those four guys in the background. Those four guys who are all taking instruction from someone half their age. Who are all probably incredibly smart and talented and have voices that have actually broken. I suspect… I suspect that they hate that kid in front of them, who runs “daily editorial meetings before class”. They pick up their paychecks at the end of the month and then they go home and cry.
Or could it be...
Could it actually be...
That this kid is the new Zuckerberg...
And I am just jealous...
That he is much more handsome than me...
And he got to meet Dua Lipa...
Yeah. Yeah it could be all of that.
Can I have a job?