Tech

Dolphins have learned how to use iPads, soon they will grow legs and enslave us

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Gary Ogden
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I’ve always been wary of dolphins – much like robots, I believe they are poised to take over the world. They’re just a little too clever, a little too confident, a little tooooooo relaxed around humans. They’re just waiting to strike, I know it – I wouldn’t be surprised if they were hiding a pair of legs inside their body, just biding their time until the right moment to kick them forth, and storm our beaches in an impenetrable line of clicking, whistling, once-friendly now-murderers.

How do I know that this will happen? Well, for one, they can use iPads now.

Researchers from Rockefeller University, Hunter College and the National Aquarium in Baltimore created a giant, eight-foot touchscreen, loaded with a bunch of “dolphin-friendly” apps, and the dolphins worked out how to use it.

It was done to investigate dolphin intelligence (I could have told them exactly how intelligent they are) and communications by optically tracking their movements.

Biophysicist Marcelo Magnasco says:

“It was surprisingly difficult to find an elegant solution that was absolutely safe for the dolphins, but it has been incredibly rewarding to work with these amazing creatures and see their reactions to our system.

"It has always been hard to keep up with dolphins, they are so smart; a fully interactive and programmable system will help us follow them in any direction they take us.”

The artificial habit is also fitted with extra sensors that record the vocalisation of the dolphins as they play Angry Dolphins or whatever it is they’ve got on their massive tablet.

Rockefeller University professor Diana Reiss said:

“We hope this technologically-sophisticated touchscreen will be enriching for the dolphins and also enrich our science by opening a window into the dolphin mind.

“Giving dolphins increased choice and control allows them to show us reflections of their way of thinking and may help us decode their vocal communication.”

Nope, incorrect Diana – giving dolphins increased choice and control allows them to further assert their eventual dominance over the human race. If I’m honest, I don’t think I even want to know what they’re saying. I’d rather stay in the dark about my date of death, thank you very much.

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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