Today, in “Thanks for killing me, thanks for murdering me and everyone else on this planet with your reckless endeavours that nobody, nobody wanted, you have killed us all” news, Swedish scientists have come up with the wicked and cool idea to create robots with the likeness of real people who have carked it, so that *sigh* their families can still spend time with them.
“Umm, I thought your gran had died, who’s that in the living room? The one whirring? The one whose eyes are spinning around backwards in their sockets? Cos it looks like your gran.”
“Oh her, that’s DHK-XK-4576, don’t touch her, she’s boiling hot.”
I mean, I’ve always thought that stuffing the family pet is weird, because it just sits there in a constant stasis, its eyes - once so full of life - replaced with deathly black orbs that stare into the distance. You’ve got a dead cat in your house, and I hate it, but that’s nothing compared to having a soulless hulking robot with weird foldy skin sitting in the armchair, jaw jutting open and closed while it speaks nightmare-fuel like “\|^^DID YOU MISS ME^^|
Oh yeah - silly me - I forgot to mention that they’re working on technology that will emulate the deceased person’s voice - they’re doing that as well, because robo-gran hasn’t done enough to ruin the first time your new girlfriend meets the parents.
Swedish funeral agency Phoenix is currently on the lookout for volunteers who are happy to provide photos of their ex-relatives to be recreated in death-machine form. The aim is to create a lifelike robotic night-terror that comes loaded with a sophisticated AI that will help it answer basic questions like “How are you?” or “What is the weather like today?” or “What are you doing in my room in the middle of the night with a knife?”.
The idea behind this ridiculous plan is the misguided notion that although the traditional way to remember loved ones is through photographs and memories, having a buzzing latex 5ft answering machine that looks a bit like your uncle is supposedly preferable. Preferable, I assume, only if you are running a makeshift ghost train in your garage for Halloween.
Thankfully no robots have yet been made, but they’re working on it, and I don’t like it. Not soon after we’ve all settled into 2018, we’ll see a deadly army of rolling pin-wielding, blue-rinsed nans marching over the horizon, intent on smacking our bums until we die. Cheers science!