Tech

7 tech concepts that will make you incredibly worried about the future

Posted by
Ralph Jones
Published

We live in a golden age, no doubt about that. But before too long, the computers we know and love - the iPads, the laptops and the Tamagotchis - will be more intelligent than us. With this realisation will come a host of terrifying consequences. Robots will soon be our masters, and we will be their dribbling little slaves. Here are 7 reasons the landscape of the future will be a creepy and a terrifying one.

  • 7 tech concepts that will make you incredibly worried about the future

    This creepy bus that eats cars

    Historic technological advances should provide an answer to a question that humanity has long been asking. One of these questions, we know for sure and we've known it for a long time, is of course "When will humans ride buses that basically swallow cars?"

    At long bloody last, China has provided an answer. At Beijing's International High-Tech Expo the Transit Explore Bus company provided a sneak peek of their ungodly plan. The bus rides on tracks either side of the traffic and passengers basically glide over the inferior drivers below.

    There is of course absolutely no way this invention would last 12 minutes without indiscriminately killing dozens of people. In the meantime: phwoar, it's cool, innit.

  • 7 tech concepts that will make you incredibly worried about the future 1

    Google's weird personal assistant speaker thing

    On the one hand: Google have made a speaker called Google Home. People like speakers. Speakers help you hear things. Good on them. Good on Google.

    On the other hand, this being Google, they've not just made a speaker, have they - they've made a device that basically takes control of your entire life. Ask it when you should leave the house - it tells you; ask it if your baked beans are going to burn - it tells you; ask that it wipe your arse - no word yet, but yes, highly likely.

    Robots obeying our every command may seem appealing. But this bodes badly for us humans. Sure, tomorrow's speakers will be able to text our friends for us; but what if they text them things like "You smell so bad"? Think about it, sheeple. Think about it.

  • 7 tech concepts that will make you incredibly worried about the future 2

    Sony's contact lens camera

    Big boys Sony have waded into the deserted 'contact-lens-that-is-also-a-camera' market and have patented technology that would essentially see people being able to record everything they see. The word you're looking for is 'creepy'.

    Google had previously applied for a patent for a lens that could be injected into the eye; Sony, however, seem likely to beat them at their own horribly weird game.

    Big logistical problem at the centre of this, let's be honest. Most people can't be trusted to use a camera with a big red 'ON' button. How are they to be expected to operate one that starts filming every time they blink? Utter chaos.

  • 7 tech concepts that will make you incredibly worried about the future 3

    The app that recognises your face then hunts you down

    Are you worried that our movements and activities aren't being tracked regularly enough by surveillance systems? Then you'll love FindFace, a technology that, in a crowded city of people, can work out who you are and then track you down on social media.

    With its 70 per cent rate of accuracy, FindFace is already being employed by the Russian government to identify Russian sex workers and porn stars. We can only hope it continues to be used for urgent matters like these in future.

    If this isn't creepy enough for you, don't worry, it gets worse. The co-founder told The Guardian that with the app "You could just upload a photo of a movie star you like, or your ex, and then find 10 girls who look similar to her and send them messages.”

    We live in a glorious world.

    The technology could also be used by police to catch criminals but let's be honest, it'll be mainly pervs, won't it.

  • 7 tech concepts that will make you incredibly worried about the future 4

    Absolutely any kind of virtual reality

    Those of you skeptical about the rise of VR tech had better be prepared to change your mind pretty rapidly because soon it will be all we know, all we do, and all we smell.

    In little less than a year, we will all look like this gormless dude: wandering around Lidl staring at our hands, trying desperately to work out which is the real world and which the illusion. "I'M ON TOP OF A MOUNTAIN, ANGELA, I CAN SEE SNOW," we'll shriek, while crashing into the wine aisle and causing thousands of pounds of damage. 

    Be under no illusions: VR will be the end of the road for many people. They will not leave their rooms; they will not converse with their loved ones; they will not know sleep. They will become corpses, doomed to explore realms more beautiful than we could ever inhabit in the real world. "He died doing what he loved - wearing his VR headset" will adorn countless tombstones of the late 21st century. We have to accept this fact but we don't have to like it.

  • 7 tech concepts that will make you incredibly worried about the future 5

    Cars that don't have any bloody drivers in them

    Google - you know it, you know the search engine Google, it's the one you use every day to ask "How to get rich and famous quick" - is claiming that by 2020 it will have made driverless cars a thing. 

    In case you're wondering 'Should driverless cars be a thing?', no, no they should not be a thing. Follow this link to see one good reason why. 

    We must take control from the robots, not give them more control. How long will it be before they are throwing us out of the car and running us over so they can harvest our organs? Four years. It will be four years, says Google.

  • 7 tech concepts that will make you incredibly worried about the future 6

    Software that claims to know immediately if you're a paedophile

    Another weird face app to round things off. Don't worry, this one's even creepier than before. Going by the name 'Faception', it's the work of a start-up from Israel. Its CEO claims that it can tell whether or not you're a paedophile, basically - despite a lot of people looking like paedophiles without being paedophiles (naming no names - Mr Blobby).

    Despite there being no evidence for physiognomy (ascertaining characteristics by looking at people's faces), Faception doesn't seem to be a joke; its CEO claims to have already signed a contract with a home security agency to identify terrorists. 

    For the many of us who look like terrorists but aren't, this app could well be our downfall.