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These are the top 25 TV comedy put-downs of all time

At least according to 2,000 truly unimaginative votes, that is

These are the top 25 TV comedy put-downs of all time
19 April 2017

In honour of the rerelease of the classic sitcom Blackadder, the TV channel UKTV Play has commissioned a survey of the “funniest” TV put downs of all time. Apparently 2,000 people voted on their favourites, producing a list which truly goes to show that people aren’t to be trusted.

Blackadder – which admittedly is quite funny – does well, as does the late, lamented Caroline Aherne as Mrs Merton. The rest of the list, however, well, could be, how would you say, a touch more imaginative.

Here’s the full rundown:

1. “But what first, Debbie, attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?”

Mrs Merton to Debbie McGee, The Mrs Merton Show

2. “Dear old grandad, bless him. He was about as useful as a pair of sunglasses on a bloke with one ear”

Del Boy, Only Fools and Horses

3. “Your brain, for example, is so minute Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn’t be enough to cover a small water biscuit.”

Edmund Blackadder, Blackadder Goes Forth

4. “You stupid boy!”

Captain Mainwaring, Dad’s Army

5. “Oh dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your éclair? Hmm? Or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn’t have time to perm your ears?”

Basil Fawlty, Fawlty Towers

6. “I told her the only thing she looked good in was a body bag”

Patsy Stone, Absolutely Fabulous

7. “Look at grandad. His brain went years ago, now his legs have gone. There’s only the middle bit of him left!”

Del Boy, Only Fools and Horses

8. “Don’t talk out loud, you lower the IQ of the whole street”

Sherlock Holmes, Sherlock

9. “Dougal, is there anything on your mind? Let me rephrase that…”

Father Ted, Father Ted

10. “He’s the most sensitive person I’ve ever met, and that’s why I love him and why I constantly want to ram his head through a television screen.”

Margaret Meldrew One Foot in the Grave

11. “The eyes are open, the mouth moves but Mr Brain has long since departed, hasn’t he, Percy?”

Edmund Blackadder, Blackadder

12. “Is this hat too far forward? Jim: “No, we can still see your face”

Norma, The Royle Family

13. “One more facelift on this one and she’ll have a beard”

Patsy Stone, Absolutely Fabulous

14. “Would it be terribly rude to stop listening to you and go and speak to somebody else?”

Alan Partridge, I’m Alan Partridge

15. “Right, now; the sort of person we’re looking for is an aggressive drunken lout with the intelligence of a four year old and the sexual sophistication of a donkey”

Edmund Blackadder, Blackadder

16. “I’m so looking forward to seeing your mother again. When I’m with her, I’m reminded of the virtues of the English”

Dowager Countess Violet Crawley to Lady Cora about her American mother, Downton Abbey

17. “A few years ago I went to see King Kong at the cinema, now I’m on a date with her”

Will, The Inbetweeners

18. “Even when we were babies, I had to show you which bit of your mother was serving the drinks”

Edmund Blackadder, Blackadder

19. “I can see why she’s divorced, she’s very divorceable. As soon as you meet her you can’t wait to take her to court to get rid of her”

Maurice Moss, IT Crowd

20. “It’s like hiring a man-eating shark as your children’s swimming instructor”

Victor Meldrew, One Foot in the Grave

21. “You know, you’re the classic example of the inverse ratio between the size of the mouth and the size of the brain”

The Doctor, Doctor Who

22. “I’d love to stop and chat to you, but I’d rather have type 2 diabetes”

Malcolm Tucker, The Thick of It

23. “I’ve got three words for you: calorie controlled diet”

Nan, The Catherine Tate Show

24. “He’s bald. Darling, he’s got a comb-over from a nose hair”

Patsy Stone, Absolutely Fabulous

25. “Lynn’s a good worker, but I suppose she’s a bit like Burt Reynolds. Very reliable, but she’s got a moustache.”

Alan Partridge, I’m Alan Partridge