Before pressing on with this story, you're going to want to take a seat and find a paper bag to start breathing into.
This is the Ideal Conceal Pistol - a lightweight, American-made, .380 calibre handgun that neatly folds itself into the shape of a smartphone, allowing the gun to "easily blend in with today’s environment".
At the press of a button (which also acts as a safety), the gun's handle unfolds to reveal a trigger mechanism for a lethal handgun.
So far, so stupid - but the shattering idiocy of this concealed weapon only crashes home when you read through the sales pitch of the Ideal Conceal website. It manages to make Donald Trump sound quite mild-mannered.
No one wants to be in a dreadful situation that may require you to defend yourself with the use of deadly force. Yet as the old adage goes: “It’s better to have a gun and not need one, than to need a gun and not have one”.
Ah, that old adage. A classic. Shakespeare, wasn't it?
From soccer moms to professionals of every type, this gun allows you the option of not being a victim.
Well that's a relief.
Our mission is to promote security and public safety by designing and manufacturing innovative and unparalleled products engineered to protect.
Because the best route to ensuring public safety is equipping more people with hidden firearms. Just like the best way to put out a forest fire is to burn down the rest of the trees.
Set to go on sale for $395 this summer, US patriots (/grade 10 idiots) can register their interest in the pistol here.
Next up, a shoe that doubles as a grenade. Because you can never be too careful.