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These terrifying child-shaped bollards will haunt your dreams

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Gary Ogden
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There you are, just trundling along in your lovely warm Volvo, bit of Chris Rea on the radio, looking forward to a nice lamb casserole when you get home and a bit of Bake Off – have you ever been this content? Don’t think so.

BUT OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT FOUL DENIZEN OF HELL IN FRONT OF THE CAR SANDRA LOCK THE FUCKING WINDOWS DON’T LET IT IN IT WILL SUCK OUR SOULS DRY.

Yeah, imagine you were driving down the road and you saw this absolute monstrosity:

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Then imagine what it looks like at night? Even worse I bet – probably something like this:

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Supposedly, these unholy road-imps are there to make drivers slow down around dangerous areas, like in front of schools, where real, non-evil children might be playing.

This is all going on down in Iver, near Slough, and a whopping £5,395 was spent on these young demons. Here’s the council’s statement on the installations, along with some more pictures of them (sorry, I am truly, forever sorry):

Oh God.

Why do they have one hand in their pocket? WHAT ARE THEY HIDING IN THERE? It’s a gun, isn’t it, or a screwdriver, at the very least, ready to be thrust into your tyres, then your eyes, then brain. The Midwich Cuckoos claim another victim.

And it’s not just me that can feel these static goblins clawing at the inside of my skull – locals don’t seem to be too happy about them either.

Connor McGinn told The Metro “If I was a driver they would scare me into crashing, super creepy.”

And Jane Tutin said: “I can certainly see the purpose and advantage of having the Billy and Bollinda characters in place but I have to say they look very creepy.”

Yeah too right – if I saw one I’d steam my car off the nearest cliff. But somehow, they do have their fans, like Matthew Streuli, who said:

“As someone who has been hit on a crossing, I’m very grateful for these bollards. It shows schools, local councillors and parents trying to highlight the school zone area to the many vehicles that use our parish as a cut-through oblivious to our schools.

“We are trying to save lives. Lots of people are happy to complain but I don’t see them fighting for change or offering any funding.”

I’m not convinced – these metal zombie children would ruin my day, night, week, month, year, life. Remove the dead-eyed succubi from the roads immediately, lest you bring about the destruction of all that is good on earth. These ashen death-dolls must be returned to hell.

(Images: Facebook/Iver Parish Council)

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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