Sylvester Stallone is known for many things: being Rocky, having an ‘80s-set rivalry with Arnold Schwarzenegger, endorsing popular restaurant chain Planet Hollywood, being an extremely and off-puttingly hench septuagenarian.
He is not, to my knowledge, known for his pens. When you think “Stallone”, you do not immediately think “pens”. The two words are, to me at least, mutually exclusive.
But what do I know? Turns out Stallone loves pens. In fact, he loves them so much that he’s designed two. Yep, Sly has teamed up with outrageously gaudy pen company Montegrappa to release a duo of pens so unfathomably garish and expensive that it boggles my mind (and it will soon boggle yours) as to who their intended audience is.
But these pens do not arrive unannounced, oh no, they have smashed through the screen of your radar, riding on the wave of the most ridiculous advert for anything this planet has ever seen:
Let’s take a little look at that in some more detail, shall we? I think you’ll agree that it demands it.
Good place to start, this, for a pen advert. It’s essential to let any potential pen-buyers know that pens are way more than just things you write with, idiot. We’re getting deep about pens, here, with the advert also telling us:
DEATH DOES NOT EXIST WITHOUT LIFE
TO HAVE PEACE, WAR IS REQUIRED
TO KEEP ORDER, FIRST THERE MUST BE…
On fire chaos, that is, the most chaotic of chaos. These pens = on fire chaos.
Maybe not what you need when considering buying something to write with, but then I guess these pens are more for stabbing people in the eyes with and not writing “Pick up dishwasher tablets” on a Post-It Note with.
This theory is proved by the next bit, which shows an actual dead body. A literal dead body, with bits missing. In an advert for a pen.
Obviously what happens next here is that the pen magically appears out of the corpse, maybe hinting at some nefarious and unethical techniques employed by Montegrappa in the production of the pens? Just speculation of course, but their advert is showing a skeleton being effectively ground down into a pen, so you’ll forgive me for entertaining the thought.
Oh yeah and then obviously there’s a snake:
You can imagine Sly here, walking into a room, biceps bursting through his skin and grinning: “Get a snake going through the skull, that’ll show those pen nerds I mean business. Parker ain’t never had no snake going through no skull. Fountain pens ain’t just for wetters!”
Picture it. But not for too long because it’s time to pull up your cargo shorts and DUCK BECAUSE HERE’S A FLYING SWORD:
And you better believe it’s rendered using the same graphics engine as Myst, even though it is 2018 and both Stallone and (presumably?) Montegrappa have barrels and barrels of money.
Oh, you thought that was good CGI? Cor mate! Wait until you see them render some liquid gold - your eyes will pop out like they do in that scene from The Mask, made 24 years ago, in 1994, which also contains top effects work very similar to this:
Wow! It looks as good as this bit in Blade (1998 - twenty years ago):
Anyway, here is a list of things this pen definitely is not:
And here is a list of things it definitely is:
Can you imagine actually holding one of these oblongs? Handling a pen - which should really be a smooth vessel if we’re being completely honest - is intended to be as comfortable as possible. Good luck getting a grip on one of these gnarled undead snake tubes (with skulls) without either dropping it after ten manic and frenzied seconds or immediately developing hard callouses on the surface of your palm. Enjoy taking the minutes at the next morning meeting.
Also, everyone will 100% be talking about how nutcase your pen is, mate. After said meeting, a new Slack group without you in it has popped up called #whodoeshethinkheiswiththatpen and they’re all absolutely rinsing you. Putting particular emphasis on the moment you dropped it and it split your shoe in half.
Newsflash: A 20p Bic will also give you this.
Anyway, you thought this already massively long advert was over? No way! We’ve got a load more spinning and zooming and grandiose music that is rapidly increasing in urgency. Think you’ve seen enough of these pens? Think again! Did you notice this particular snake? What about the skull? Have you seen the skull? Here’s the skull!
AND THERE’S A LIZARD AS WELL YOU PUNY LITTLE HANDKERCHIEF!
And then, woah, a plot twist that would make M Night Shyamalan jealous, the pens EXPLODE! Both pens get smashed up by a big laser and the final addition to this terrifying cabal of hellions is revealed:
This point is presumably your cue to retch up a big sick, because you have just been confronted with the most hideous watch this planet has ever seen.
Put that monster on your wrist and not only would the gargantuan crown on the side drill into the very bones of your hand, causing irreversible damage, it would also cause your entire arm to immediately plummet to the floor under its immense weight, gauging out a crevice that’s mere existence sets into action dangerous and unseen seismological activity across the globe.
Wear this watch and you are consigned to dragging your hand across the floor like a pained ape, simultaneously scratching and slowly destroying a watch that - oh Peter, take the wheel - costs £52,985.00.
Yeah, didn’t tell you what this lot costs, did I? The watch will set you back halfway to one hundred grand pounds, and the pens go up to £42,750.00 (that’s for a biro, remember), you irresponsible demon.
Then, to round up the advert from Hell, a final ocular nightmare is seared onto your retinas - a sickening display of flatulence that combines both the pens and the watch in an unholy crest of foulness and vulgarity:
Also, that’s just the Expendables logo, isn’t it? Did Stallone direct this advert too?
Either way, it’s very fitting considering how many people must have died for these pens and watch to be made - the souls contained within is surely the most plausible reason for their extortionate price. Buy a pen, suck on the end and you absorb all the knowledge of each and every human skeleton that was ground up to make it. Worth the price tag.
Anyway, it’s probably time to wrap this up - I say “time”, but I am entirely unaware of it, for my watch is currently face-down on the floor and I am unable to lift it to check.
You can buy one here if you are Elon Musk.