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Trigger warning: Prepare yourself for 150 million spiders moving into British homes

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Gary Ogden
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Trigger warning: Prepare yourself for 150 million spiders moving into British homes

OK, quick warning: if you’re scared of spiders, I’d recommend you stop reading now, probably. 

Or maybe not, actually, maybe you should read this, because I’m going to impart some essential advice on winning the war against the spider squatters.

Basically, it’s spider mating season soon. Yep, it’s Autumn, and that means that all the spiders start banging each other and making other, smaller, even more terrifying spiders. And if we’re talking about the Eratigena atrica, or giant house spider, then they’re going to be doing all of that in your fucking house.

A huge amount of the little (read: not little) bizzers are going to swarm British shores to get jiggy, because, according to naturalist Malcolm D Welshman, the huge number of leftover summer flies has “boosted their population - hence 150 million are now on the march indoors as the spider-nesting season starts.”

Loads and loads of insects, everywhere, now, basically. And in spider terms, that would be bastards that can grow up to 7.5cm in length, aka No Thanks.

Simon Garrett, Bristol Zoological Society’s Head of Conservation Learning, told The Sun:

“Spiders don’t specifically want to enter your home, in fact, they’d rather stay away as there’s less food and it’s too dry and clean.

“It is the need to mate that changes their behaviour.”

Trigger warning: Prepare yourself for 150 million spiders moving into British homes 1

OH GOD

But actually, as long as you don’t live in a pig sty (guilty), then you don’t have too much to worry about, and you can easily take steps to make your house less-attractive to a horde of eight-legged dickheads just clamouring to sleep in your mouth.

So, some VITAL ADVICE FOR YOU TO MINIMISE SPIDERVISITS:

Keep your house clean, obviously

Seal up cracks in windows and doors, and around the seals

Remove plants that are too near to your house, because flies love them, and spiders love eating flies (same here, oh god I love a good fly)

Stop doing the spider rain-dance in your back garden

It’s pretty simple, and thankfully, it’s also not exactly the kind of weather that involves opening all the windows in the house to avoid setting on fire, anymore.

Me? I’m still holding out the hope that one day I’ll become a superhero, so I sleep in a bath full of spiders under a giant UV light to make them all radioactive, then I call them all ‘too-many-legged idiots’ to wind them up so they bite me. This influx will raise my chances tenfold, can’t wait.

(Image: Steven Falk / Flickr)

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Gary Ogden

Shortlist writer and "the least woke person in the office", Gary Ogden, likes horror movies, Cheestrings, tapping his leg under the desk, "having a drink", PDAs, not having eczema anymore, hiding from responsibility, screaming into the mirror whenever he is alone, and assorted other things. Mainly the eczema thing though. @garyblogden

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