Unless you’re either very successful or very lucky, you probably don’t live on your own - you probably have at least one housemate to deal with.
It might be a partner, it might be a few friends from uni, it might be a group of total strangers you met on Craigslist, you idiot, but are now stuck with for at least another six months because you were desperate when you signed the contract and you didn’t realise how much they all love being naked.
But even with the nicest of housemates, there’s always that nagging worry, isn’t there. That nagging worry that, what if, in the dead of night, they like to sneak out of the house with a mask on and skulk through the darkness, brutally hack innocent bystanders to death with a giant axe, dissolve their bodies in acid and throw the remains in the canal?
What do you do if your housemate is a serial killer? And more importantly, how do you know? If you’re aware of it, at least you can be prepared - otherwise, who knows, you might be next.
Well, thankfully for you, we’ve put together a handy checklist to help you work out if your flatmate has a taste for blood, and is currently outside dismembering an 87-year-old dear with a kitchen peeler. If they check off at least a few of these, well, it’s time to get worried, my friend.
1.First things first, if you come home and find the toothpaste looking like this, it's a clear sign your housemate has been on a killing spree the night before
This is one of the biggest tell-tale signs - squeezing toothpaste tubes in the middle has long been linked to serial killer tendencies, dating back to the 1600s.
2.Similarly, if your tube looks like this, be worried
Only a mass murderer could show this type of disdain for humanity.
3.Do they eat their chips like this? Oh man, you've got a murderer on your hands
Serial killers like covering their chips with ketchup rather than putting it neatly on the side, because the red sauce they get all over their fingers reminds them of the blood-stained murder-hands they sport most nights. True fact.
4.Making tea that looks like this is a certain red flag
Grey, like the bodies of the corpses they keep in the basement.
5.And milk in first? Call the police immediately
Before anyone else gets hurt
6.The man who did this is now thankfully locked safely away behind bars
Your housemate, however, is still on the loose.
7.Oh come on, this one's obvious
Can only be a killer.
8.You know who gets through this many bottles of shampoo and shower gel?
People who need to wash huge amounts of blood off their bodies every night, that’s who.
9.Don't have room for all that juicy chicken meat if you've spent the midnight hours feasting on human flesh, do you?
Oh yeah, sorry, guess your housemate is a cannibal now too.
10.Thought your housemate leaving the sink stacked full of dirty dishes was just a result of them being careless and ignorant?
No, silly, how are they supposed to find time to do the dishes when they’ve got so much murdering to do. Duh!
At least try to hide it.
May as well leave a severed head in the fridge, buddy.
13.OH MY GOD OBVIOUSLY A MURDERER
Of both cake and human beings.
14.This is honestly a bigger crime than killing several people, but still: yeah, your flatmate's a murderer
Body parts taking up space at the bottom of that bin, aren’t there?
15.Congratulations, you have moved in with a person who kills children
Call the police now, or you’re officially an accomplice. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.