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A quarter of people want to bang Siri

How would this even work?

A quarter of people want to bang Siri
10 April 2017

I dunno about you, but whenever I use Siri my first thought is not “I would like to fuck Siri”. My first thought is usually “why did I use Siri when I could have just typed this question into Google”, sometimes “wow, this was a surprising and vaguely productive interaction with a piece of technology”. Never “I would like to fuck Siri if Siri was a person”. Literally never.

Looks like I’m on my own here, though: a new trend report from Mindshare and JWT Innovation Group has found that a quarter – a quarter! – of 1,000 subjects surveyed have had sexual fantasies about Siri or other voice assistants. That’s over TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY people who have jacked it thinking about Alexa or Siri or whatever and they are PROBABLY SAT NEXT TO YOU AT WORK.

“Over a third (37%) of regular voice technology users say that they love their voice assistant so much that they wish it were a real person,” the report explains.

“Even more astonishing is that more than a quarter of regular voice technology users say they have had a sexual fantasy about their voice assistant.”

OK, so: obviously the first question is “why?”. But understanding why someone might fancy Siri is an unanswerable mystery for the ages to which we will never receive an adequate answer, and so we’re going to have to skip it.

Secondly, though: how? How does this work? We’ve all seen Her. We all understand the concept of falling in love with a charming, whimsical voice assistant who sounds like Scarlett Johansson. But how… do you fuck Siri? What is s/he doing? Is Siri in human form? Is it a disembodied voice? What is it saying? Also: why are you like this?

Unfortunately if you, like all right-thinking and normal human beings, do not endorse sex with branded voice assistants, I regret to inform you that sex with technology is HAPPENING and there’s no way to stop it. Siri, sex robots – wanking is getting really sophisticated. There’s even a campaign against sex robots, which is depressing in itself.

This is not the future I was sold on those old episodes of Blue Peter where they guess what life will be like in 50 years time and I would like my money back.