Your handy guide on how not to be the worst on the internet
Most people on social media are annoying, aren’t they? Really, just proper annoying, with all those things they’re saying on it, the words they’re using, the order they’re putting them in - all crap and bad, they are. You’re probably one of them, aren’t you? You’ve said #blessed before, haven’t you, you’ve put that in an Instagram caption before, ain’t ya? Course you have.
So what I’m going to do is, I’m going to list a big load of words and phrases that you’re not allowed to use on social media anymore.
This will help you become a much better person, and more importantly, it will stop you running the risk of facing the ire of some fun-sucking, uppity, jealous blowhard journalist without any followers on the internet, that feels the desperate need to criticise everyone else on it, when really it should be he who is deserved of a stark examination.
BUT YEAH DON’T SAY ANY OF THESE THINGS ANYMORE BECAUSE BLEURGH:
The crown prince of annoying social media phrases - referring to a significant other or friend as “this one” gets my goat, and then feeds its front hooves through a woodchipper. Where has this foul term come from? Nobody ever said it before, it wasn’t a thing, and now they are, they all are. Stop it, it’s gross, disgusting and it’s twee to the very depths of Hell. I can feel the sick bubbling at the back of my neck just thinking about it.
There’s just something about the words ‘it’ and ‘me’ standing right next to each other that sucks my jeans right up my arse. Nowt wrong with identifying with something on Twitter, or even with posting a selfie, but leave the ‘it me’ out of it. Grab an apostrophe and an ‘s’ and do it properly.
If you were actually sitting on the bus there, doing a tweet and screaming, then fine. If you saw a picture of your fave celeb and they’ve got a new haircut, and you quote tweeted it, and you literally started screaming, then I’ll let you off. A bus full of people, heads down, staring at their phones, absolutely screaming bloody murder, then fine, say you’re screaming. Everyone else, it’s a no from me.
“I’m coming to get you!”
Going away to meet someone are ya? Tagging them in an Insta post yeah? Going to get them is it? What you need to realise is that nobody other than you, and the other person, cares about this, so keep it private. The exception of course, is if you are a serial killer or something, and it is intended as a threat.
“I feel so known/seen”
Here’s another collection of words that are absolutely fine on their own, but once they’re in a very particular order, it’s time to start drinking hot sauce until I die. Maybe - as with many phrases on this ‘list’ - it was fine the first time it was said, but familiarity breeds contempt and now it grinds every one of my very beautiful teeth into a fine dust.
“All the beers”
This absolutely applies to “all the” anything: “I am going to eat all the cheese tonight”, “Oh god I drank all the tequilas last night”, “I am having all of the laughs.” As with before, the same applies: if you went to a pub and literally drank all the beers, then by all means, tweet about it from hospital, but in any other situation, it’s a wacky affectation that must be put on “all the fires”.
“I can’t believe this website is free”
If we all had to start paying for Twitter then we wouldn’t use it anymore, this is why you can believe that it is free. You are a liar, mate!
What this was, was a funny joke made by someone, that made me laugh. Then, someone else made the same joke, which you are not allowed to do, and I laughed a little less. Now, it is simply something to put at the end of a tweet when you have nothing else to say in it. It is the new imo, the new tbh - it has lost all meaning. Publish.
Why on earth would you be writing tweets “in someone else’s opinion”?
By tweeting something that you like or agree with, you are saying to me, personally, “Look at this”. Therefore, you do not need to say “this”, or “THIS” and especially not “This. So much this” because I am already aware of the “this” - it is literally in your tweet. However, if sometimes you tweet out horrible articles that you don’t agree with and without any context, then maybe you do need the “This” to let me know it’s one you agree with. Of course, if you do that, then you are a terrifyingly unstable voice that should not have access to any social media platform.
“Living my best life”
No you’re not, turns out, you’re on Twitter, wasting your life.
“How’s your Monday?”
What you’re doing here, is actively antagonising anyone this post is directed towards. How could this possibly go well for you? Monday is the worst day, and I am sat in an office, I have forgotten to put antiperspirant on, I am full of post-weekend paranoia and you’ve put a picture of a pina colada (which I want one of, always) in your hand, on the beach, goading me into a blind rage with a smug and greasy “How’s your Monday?” It is categorically not as good as yours, you preening arsehole, and I am reacting accordingly: mentally condemning you to the trash-pile forever more.
Addendum: this is actually everyone’s reaction, regardless of whether they’ve commented “jealous!” or not - they are all consigning you to the heap. Enjoy the heap. How’s your Monday now? In the heap?
“Boy done good”
What people on the internet need to realise - and the sooner this is all sorted, the better - is that nobody gives a short-tailed albaTOSS if your partner does something nice for you. When your boyfriend/girlfriend makes a grand gesture, posting about it is directly making the rest of us look very bad for not having done something similar. You’re actively ruining our relationships by showing off about how good your one is.
The only exception is when your jank boyfriend makes you the most anemic prison-meal of dry pasta and chicken nuggets the world has ever seen, and you caption it with “Boy done good”. That’s funny, that is, that you think dry pasta is nice and that your boyfriend is good.
“Twitter dot com”
Joke ran out ages ago, buster. Alexandra Burke did this on The X Factor in 2011. That is several internet lifetimes ago. You are your dad now.
Any joke on Twitter being capped off with a name like “Karen” or “Janet”
“Well actually, this is my fifth cream bun, Janet”
“Who died and made you queen of the dishwasher, Karen?”
“Picking an easily recognisable name commonly associated with a middle-aged woman who is perceived to be unreasonable, and using it as a lazy punchline to your Fiat 500 tweet are you, Brenda?”
“I feel so known”
Also applies to feeling as though you are “seen” - this is used when a tweet or meme or whatever is personally attacking you, but you’re OK with revealing to the world that you recognise this. Great, love a bit of self-deprecating humour - it is the only type, actually, I think, that is left - but like hell is it an annoying phrase. It is such sandwich-filler - don’t know how to end your tweet? Put “I feel so seen” and trust that it’ll happily slide into the mire, an acceptable part of the curve - you have passed Twitter 101. Phew!
Much like your relationship, people do not care when you are going on holiday. They particularly don’t care when you haven’t even fucking left yet. When you, phone in hand, turd-eating simper wiped across your face, are still in London but you’ve got three more nights until you go to Barcelona, what a terrible risk you are taking, banking that someone out there will have the capacity to give even the most microscopic of shits.
“I am in you!”
This is ‘funny’ because it sounds rude, but it’s not, because you are talking about a country or a city or something, you cheeky slice of banter! What you’ve not realised, is that you are still talking about your holiday, the one that I am not invested in in the slightest (unless it’s Monday). I didn’t care when you weren’t there and were hooting on about it, and I don’t care that you are now there and are still hooting on about it. Also, just a hunch here, but I bet you two quid that you’re going to be hooting on about it in a month’s time too!
“You have won the internet”
Imagine if you were watching the 100m sprint at the Olympic games and all the runners crossed the line at exactly the same time, winning the race en masse. Everybody won. Imagine that, and then multiply it by about a ten thousand, because that is how many people are concurrently ‘winning the internet’ every second.
Picture yourself, winning the internet, and then think how dejected you’d be when someone came along and won it a mere millisecond after your victory. No time to enjoy the spoils of your triumph, usurped immediately like a weak king - nobody will remember you.
“I can’t even”
Can’t even what? Believe it? Say that then. Breathe? Need to call an ambulance. Come up with anything to say on social media? Put “I can’t even” then.
Over 8 million people live in London - that is a really really large amount of people. As such, if you live in London, it does not make you special. You are a blip, a dot, a skid-mark in a sea of millions, you’re an ant, mate. As such, nobody is impressed with your #Londonlife hashtag. I know what you’re doing, you’re showing off to your mates back home that never moved to the capital, aren’t you? You’re up there, in the big-smoke, working in new media, eating poke bowls and acting like you’re the big dog. Only in London, you bleat, you should all be jealous.
Thing is, that selfie of you sitting in Clapham Common with the hashtag slapped onto the end? Did you know: you can sit in fields outside of London, too. You can eat sushi in Leeds, if you like. You can ride a bike in Slough. There are poached eggs in Bognor Regis. Seriously, only use this hashtag if you get the London Eye to work every day or something.
Any sort of compound swear
Cock-womble, dick-weasel, fuck-trumpet, bollock-chops - delete them all, and delete them all immediately. They never have been funny, they never will be funny, and they are the instant murderer of anything good or amusing that you might have written before them. Ultimate ender of humour, sniper of jokes, butcher of happiness - they must be culled like the shit-badgers that they are.
“I’m here for it”
This is cool if you’re talking about a bus or a train, but being “here” for a new type of gin and tonic flavoured shower gel? Do you mean you’re in the queue? You’ve queued just to get some gin and tonic shower gel? Bit weird that mate.
“We’re here for you” - Your parents, to take you home.
Oh, and any joke in this format
Worst British Ministers of the Crown (1945-2018):— Leonardo Carella (@leonardocarella) July 1, 2018
1. Chris Grayling
I’d say that’s enough to be getting on with. There are loads more, and I’ll definitely be adding to this list as new ones ping my braces really hard into my nipples, but let’s start with these ones first. Good luck, you can do it.
Disclaimer: HAHAHAHAHA DON’T SCROLL THROUGH MY FRANKLY EMBARRASSING TWITTER TO FIND IF I’VE EVER USED ANY OF THESE IN THE PAST BECAUSE LET’S BE HONEST HERE I AM AN INSUFFERABLE HYPOCRITE IN ALMOST EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE.