Such are the rigours associated with today’s daily grind, employers are constantly seeking news ways for their workers to de-stress (think hammocks, table tennis, sleep chambers used by Silicon Valley types) while, let’s face it, looking like wankers.
Well now this process is about to become significantly more streamlined, as on the back of a series of interviews conducted with eminent psychologists by Metro.co.uk, 2017 may be the year of masturbating at work.
That’s right: for real, with bods suggesting you can take the load off by, well, shooting a load out, in turn unlocking your creative potential and boosting your office output.
Mark Sergeant, a senior lecturer in psychology at Nottingham Trent University, who told Metro - presumably on the phone after washing his hands - that masturbating would be “very effective at work’” and was a “great way to relieve tension and stress”.
His smutty words were echoed by psychologist and life coach Dr Cliff Arnall: “I would expect a masturbation policy to result in more focus, less aggression, higher productivity, and more smiling - certainly taking a masturbation break for boredom or an escape would increase work focus.”
Be careful though, Arnall doesn’t recommend you spend your ‘special time’ picturing that office crush, as he warned that thinking about colleagues directly while pleasuring oneself at work may create a "cognitive impairment", leading to rude behaviour outside of the privacy of that toilet cubicle…THAT YOU’VE BEEN WAITING FOR EVERYONE TO LEAVE FOR THE BETTER PART OF 10 MINUTES.
But if that weren’t enough to convince you that spanking the monkey was the best way of bookending a meeting with Janet from accounts and a PowerPoint presentation on a hectic Wednesday, studies Stateside suggest it’s already a thing.
A recent article by Ravishly, entitled ‘fapping was the new smoke break’ argued its merits while citing a Time Out New York study that found a large number of male readers (39 per cent) had experience of masturbating at the office. An earlier poll by Glamour, back in 2012, found that 31 per cent of workers regularly masturbated at work. They’re probably all bloody doing it now.
So there you have it: wanking, better for you than you thought and it might just help you win that big promotion you’ve been gunning for. Just please don’t show them how in the interview.