Have you seen this:
That’s the daily schedule of Mark Wahlberg - of famous restaurant chain Wahlburgers - and it is, if you’ll excuse the extremely problematic language: doolally. That is the schedule of a maniac, a dangerous psychopath that belongs in quarantine - it is not, and I am 100% sure of this, the schedule of a normal human man.
It is terrifying, it is a Satanic verse, it is a page from the Necronomicon and if you read it out loud all your mates turn into demons.
So let’s have a closer look at it, shall we:
2:30am wake up
Mark Wahlberg wakes up at 2.30am, it turns out, which is for some people, their bedtime. People go to bed when Mark Wahlberg gets up. Postal workers don’t even get up at 2.30am - why is he getting up so early? What does he need to do?
Also, is he sleeping in the same bed as his wife, and is she enjoying this early alarm bell, or does he simply jolt upright every morning at the exact same time, his body’s own internal alarm clock so fine-tuned that he needs no external stimulus? Yes, obviously that’s what happens because anyone with a schedule like this is an actual robot.
What I’m saying here is robots are already alarms, so they don’t need them. Robots are alarms. This article will be extremely scientific in nature, in case you hadn’t noticed.
2:45am prayer time
IT’S PRAYER TIME, BABY! For half an hour! Come on Mark, just bang out a quick Lord’s Prayer and be done with it - God’s got your back mate, you’re pretty rich. Also, don’t do it out loud, next to your bed, your wife is trying to sleep.
I have tried to get breakfast at 3.15am before, but I had not gone to sleep, it was in a McDonald’s, and they obviously weren’t serving breakfast yet. Still, Mark’s brekkie starts at this time every day, where he eats what I presume to be 23 boiled eggs in 25 minutes, and then heads to the gym. What he did not do, was hand a note to the McDonald’s cashier that read “To mamagr, I think you shoulld do allday brekkfasts”
That’s a 1hr 35min workout at 3.40 in the morning, there - something most people in the entire world have never done. That is so long and so early. 45 minutes in the gym is about what the average non-cybernetic human can muster before a big thought cloud rises out of their head with a big plate of spaghetti bolognese inside it. Mark Wahlberg though, he’s up while everyone is still asleep, and he is lifting ridiculous weights in the gym like this:
Whereas the only weight that is anywhere near me is the giant one pressing down on my chest, that has “the money you spent this weekend” written on the side.
5:30am post workout meal
It has only been two hours and fifteen minutes since his last meal and he is already eating again. This is, of course, entirely fair enough because he has just spent ages in the gym and also I am eating half an hour after I have had breakfast, too. Still, two meals before 6am is not the behaviour of a human, it is the behaviour of a fox.
This is a relatively normal time for many early risers to have a shower, so maybe old Marky Mark is finally segueing into the schedule of a normal person.
Haha, only joking, because HE IS IN THE SHOWER FOR ONE HOUR AND ONE HALF. 15 minutes is offically a long shower - you can get it all done in about 8 minutes, if you’re a bloke with short hair, like Mark Wahlberg is. Yet he is inside the shower, under the water, for an hour and half. This is two things:
1) A colossal waste of water
2) The behaviour of an upset dolphin being transported between sea-life centres
What is Mark Wahlberg doing in the shower for 90 minutes? How dirty could he fathomably be that he needs that much washing? Is he standing for all this time? Does he have one of those plastic chairs with holes in it like old people sometimes sit on and get their balls caught in? I demand to know what Mark Wahlberg does in his marathon showers.
Seems a normal time to play golf - nice and early so that it’s not packed, but not so early that you’re the only one there. Mark Wahlberg, being normal, finally!
PSYCHE! He only plays for half an hour, thereby acheiving nothing and leaving the game unfinished. There is no way you can complete a full 18 holes in this time, nor a full 9 - in fact, a round of poxy mini-golf out the back of some wacky bar in Dalston will probably take at least five minutes longer than half an hour. Mark is either getting a hole-in-one 18 times, or he is simply pummeling endless balls into the distance on the driving range. Which yes, seems far more in-keeping with the behaviour of a robot.
10 more eggs. Over the course of an hour and a half.
9:30am cryo chamber recovery
Here it is, proof of the robotic nature of Wahlberg’s innards. He’s overloaded on eggs and is overheating, so he’s gotta trap himself inside an ice capsule to prevent from exploding. Just like Brian Harvey before him, he has eaten too much of a certain food and it has become detrimental to his health. Got to cool down a bit, Robo Berg, you’ve got a hectic day ahead of you.
A single egg only joking 10 eggs.
11:00am family time/meetings/work calls
To be fair to the sexy old underwear model, he’s still a family man - in fact, he’s two hours of it. In between meetings and work calls, anyway. Like, they’re quite important, probably take up a lot of time, so maybe just this once, family time can fall by the wayside? A quick game of catch? One single catch, thrown by Mark while a phone is in the other hand - “Gotta rush, got a meeting!”
ANOMALY: fully normal
2:00pm meetings/work calls
This makes sense, because it is the middle of the day, which is when most people are working - all Mark’s colleagues who have got up at a normal time are now working like normal people, and require him to meet them at an acceptable juncture, so as much as it pains him to do this (he would have pitch meetings at 1.45am if it was possible, and probably in the shower), he must reluctantly oblige.
3:00pm pick up kids @ school
More peculiarly normal behaviour from Mark here, as he does the doting dad thing and grabs his kids from school, even though he’s a big time movie star - he’s just like us!
(for half an hour)
What does Mark Wahlberg snack on? Is it more eggs? Is it a protein bar? Is it an entire thing of brocolli eaten like a viking would eat a chicken leg, or is it something that is resolutely not a snack to the normal man, and is in fact, two entire chickens, and this is why it takes him half an hour to eat it? I posit that it is the last thing. I also posit that it is also all the other things, as side dishes.
4:00pm workout #2
One 95 minute workout is not enough for Mark Wahlberg, who looks like this by the way:
He needs another one at 4 o’clock, because he’s had too many snacks and he needs to burn it all off. Maybe, if he simply cut out all the snacking, he wouldn’t have to do two workouts a day, meaning he could either:
1) Have an extra hour in bed
2) Have some more family time
3) Condense his schedule, meaning he wouldn’t have to lie about how long he’s spending in the shower. Be honest Mark, you were having a [long stream of frankly unacceptable bilge redacted] in there!
Oh, spoke too soon. Wahlberg is on the water-waste-warpath once more, settling in for a big session of lying down under the shower with his mouth open, drinking the planet’s precious water supplies for the second time in his day.
Oh wait, this one only lasts half an hour. Like, that’s still a long shower that would evoke the ire of flatmates the world over and invite them to bang on the door relentlessly, shouting things like “If you want it all over the landing then you’ll stay in there you selfish idiot!” But hey, it’s better for the fish or whatever, than a goddamn hour and a half one.
5:30pm dinner/family time
Two hours dedicated to the family, now, and obviously, more eating. Mark’s had a tough day (an extremely tough one in which he didn’t actually appear to do his actual job at any point), so a nice wind-down with the wife and kids, and two whole chickens filled with eggs.
“Are you gonna eat those eggs, son?” he says.
“No, Father, please have them, I have eaten too many, why do you present me with so many eggs?” his son replies.
“OK, you have eaten five of your ten, I shall have the remaining five, well done, son, I’m proud of you.” Mark eats the eggs.
“Father, I am being sick,” his son says, being sick.
HAHAHAHA NERD YOU GO TO BED SO EARLY! POSTAL WORKERS DON’T EVEN GO TO BED THIS EARLY! AND THEY’RE THE BIGGEST NERDS OF ALL!