I’m not really one for emojis if I’m honest – maybe it’s because I’m actually 50 years old, because I am supremely lazy, or simply because I don’t like to look at things that are smiling. Sod them, actually. Sod those dumb emojis and their dumb emoji mates.
However, some people do like them – in fact, loads of people do like them. Those kids like them, I’ve overheard, when hanging around in Hollister up on the highest shelf (nobody can see you up there). And also, some of those old people do, too, or at least they pretend to, in an attempt to be hip and sick and mint and do-ra-diddly – all of those slang words the kids are using nowadays.
Like Reddit user BslickBenz’s granddad for example, who’s been doing a bit of online poker of late, and chatting to all the lovely poker-playing ladies all around the world. He’s not-half the poker stud, I’ll have you know, but how does he establish dominance over all the other digital card-grampas? How does he demonstrate his wicky-cool credentials?
He uses emojis, obviously. None of those crusty, jowly, big ear-lobe-having fogeys know anything about emojis. But he does.
“This dude’s a radical macaroni who’s up to snuff. He’s acting like a hot-stuff half-pint” say all the online poker ladies. But emojis are confusing – what if he uses the poo one when he meant to use the winky face? Well, he consults his emoji check-list, which his grandson spotted taped to his desk, next to his computer and posted up to Reddit for the world to see. Behold:
How lovely. A sheet of this ilk is an essential part of any old-man chat up game, so let this be a lesson to all you long-in-the-tooth top-shaggers: get on the emoji game, sharpish. The international poker sexies will love it. Take it from someone who met his wife on an online backgammon room.
By “met”, I mean “ate”. And by “online backgammon room” I mean “McDonald’s”. And by “wife” I mean “chicken nugget”. And by “someone” I mean “a half-human, half-slug that has had a pizza box in his room for two weeks now and actually doesn’t care about that highly disgusting fact. Like, genuinely doesn’t care. I don’t care.”