You see this? This is why we can't have nice films any more.
This is why movie studios will fling scripts brimming with dramatic promise and achingly beautiful screenplays in the bin. Why we'll find ourselves scrolling through film streaming sites in a decade's time muttering "Well shit, did they just not make any good films after 2011?"
This quivering mass of artistic neglect, this putrid vat of stony glances and muddled exposition, has clocked the most views in 24 hours in YouTube's history - which, by virtue of the digital age spewing more media into this generations' eyeballs than any proceeding, means it's the most watched film trailer in 24 hours in human history.
And it's all our fault.
This is how the conversation in your office will probably go upon clicking this article:
"Have you seen that Fifty Shades Darker has become the most watched film trailer in 24 hours?"
"Are you kidding?"
"Yeah - it amassed 114 million views in its first day of existence, beating the previous record of 112 million views held by Star Wars: The Force Awakens."
"Well gosh, that's impressive. Shall we watch it?"
"Yes let's."
And with that single click of a 'Play' button, we add to the legacy of this monster, the sequel to a film described by The New York Times as "A terrible movie", Rolling Stone as "disappointing", and "total shit" by your mate's other half.
Fifty Shades Darker will make more money than any film of 2017 - the first made $571 million. It will spawn a thousand thought pieces on erotica and bondage. It will see sales of E. L. James' novels creep back into Amazon's top ten. And it's all because we're can't help ourselves. We are to blame. It's our fault.
If you need us, we'll be having a walk in the rain having a good long think about life - and wondering if we can get a back like Jamie Dornan's if we did enough wide angle pull ups.
