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The five weirdest bits from that fake Drew Barrymore interview

This left us lost for words so many times

The five weirdest bits from that fake Drew Barrymore interview
Tom Victor
03 October 2018

Celebrity interviews can be a great opportunity for fans to gain some insight into the lives of people who might otherwise seem distant or inaccessible.

Whether you want to find out what really happened on the set of that famous film, or just fancy learning what an actor had for breakfast, the profile is a great source of info.

At least, that is, when it’s real.

Which bring us to Exhibit A: Drew Barrymore’s ‘interview’ in EgyptAir’s in-flight magazine, which if we’re being polite is absolutely bonkers. 

The article in question was spotted by political analyst Adam Baron, who shared a few photos of the bizarre copy.

It was full of all kinds of strangeness, leading people to believe it couldn’t possibly be real, and if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it’s probably a fake interview.

Indeed, Barrymore’s representatives confirmed as much, telling the Huffington Postthe Santa Clarita Diet actress “did not participate” in the interview. Quite troubling, we think.

Okay, so we know it’s weird, but how weird are we talking? Here are five of the strangest moments in the interview…

1. The opening salvo

“Despite being unstable in her relationships most of her life, despite the several unsuccessful marriages and despite the busy life of stardom that dominated her life for several years; the beautiful American Hollywood actress Drew Barrymore has recently decided to temporary [sic] take an unlimited vacation to play her most crucial role as a mother.”

This is the opening to the piece. The opening. Ignoring the grammatical pros and cons of beginning a paragraph with the word ‘despite,’ and the mind-blowing paradox of something being both temporary and unlimited, this is wild. The existence of the piece on its own has a real air of Lisa Simpson asking “why did they come to our concert just to boo us?”

Oh, and EgyptAir maintains the piece is a legitimate interview, for those who were wondering. Which if true is absolutely fine with regards Drew’s actual quotes but it doesn’t really explain why the interviewer seems so keen on being a bit nasty and dismissive of Barrymore. From the off. 

2. The creative use of ‘almost’

We are told “It is known that Barrymore has had almost 17 relationships, engagements and marriages”. You read that right, “almost 17”. Normally you’d use almost when the upper number is rounded off, but “almost 17” has really thrown us. We might accept 17-18 is “almost 20” if you don’t know the exact number, but… just say “more than a dozen” if you want this already bizarre sentence to vaguely hang together. Or don’t go there. Barrymore is a 43 year-old woman, it’s not surprising that she may have had relationships with 17 different people. However we’re defining ‘relationship.’

At first we thought it might be a reference to the film 17 Again before remembering that’s the one where Matthew Perry becomes his teenage self, rather than the one where Barrymore goes undercover as a teen (Never Been Kissed – I know, it was on the tip of your tongue). So, yeah, no idea.

3. The psych lesson

“Psychologists believe that her behaviour [sic] is only natural since she lacked the male role model in her life after her parents’ divorce when she was only 9 years old. Ever since that time, she has been subconsciously seeking attention and care from a male figure; but unfortunately things do not always go as planned and she has not succeeded in any relationship for various reasons.”

*World’s longest ‘citation needed’*

Bear in mind this is all before a word from Barrymore is featured in the piece. Which would be bad enough if the subsequent words from Barrymore were actually her words, but when she’s denied all involvement it’s simply baffling. If only we could get all those psychologists to explain it all.

4. Comparing her daughters to “a small plant”

Okay, onto the ‘quotes’ section. Are you ready to hear what Barrymore ‘has to say’ about her daughters, five-year-old Olive and three-year-old Frankie? Time to take a big swig of coffee, balance precariously on your chair and get ready for some extremely normal sentences which definitely came from the mouth of a real person*.

“The truth is that I used to be very enthusiastic and nervous; but I found myself sympathizing with Olive and Frankie and patiently tolerating their endless questions as if I am growing a small plant waiting for its ripe delicious fruits after a few years.”

Oh, I get it now. Olive. Like the fruit. No? Look, we’re trying.

Also, this makes it sound a lot like she can barely put up with any children, let alone her own. Sure, maybe Drew Barrymore is a terrible mother who can barely tolerate her children but… it doesn’t sound true. But what do we know, either way - you can see why Barrymore has distanced herself from this as much as possible.

*World’s second-longest ‘citation needed’

Drew Barrymore, presumably ‘tolerating’ her daughter

5. The bizarre women’s rights bit that isn’t really about women’s rights

Look, we’re not going to complain that some of this reads like someone desperately trying to reach word-count on a piece of GCSE coursework about women’s rights, or say that the progress of women’s rights isn’t important because it really, massively is. But, let’s give it the respect it deserves and say stuff that other human beings can understand. 

Here’s what Barrymore apparently (didn’t) say: 

“I cannot deny that women made a great achievement over [the] past century, there is significant progress recorded by people who study women status throughout history. This is naturally reflected on women in the west who will not be satisfied unless they gain the rights they deserve to the society. This is especially true since women exert tremendous efforts that men are incapable of exerting due to their numerous commitments and obligations.”

So many questions, so little time. Would Barrymore use the phrase “women in the west”? No, because she maintains she didn’t give these quotes.

What are these efforts that men are “incapable of exerting”? And what are the “commitments and obligations” stopping them from doing so? We’ll be the first to say the being a man aint that hard. 

So, what’s the explanation for all of this?

For now, we’ll put it down to the altitude. What do you mean these magazines aren’t put together whilst hurtling through the air thousands of feet above sea level?

(Images: Getty)