13 One Direction fans who are unreasonably angry at Chris Martin right now

Posted by
Jordan Waller

There are three kinds of people that you should probably do your utmost to avoid upsetting in this world: your mum, mother-in-laws and Directioners.

Admittedly each would doubtlessly react in very different ways but as a rule for life it's probably a good one. Chris Martin, Coldplay's frontman and slightly-more-handsome Mark Zuckerberg lookalike has gone and pissed off the latter.

As Coldplay collected the award for Best British Group at the Brit Awards 2016, Directioners were already probably pretty livid. Frothing at the face orifice at the mere suggestion that another band (that write all their own songs) could sweep the honour from their beloved 1D.

"It's a bloody liberty!" they probably cried from the comfort of their One Direction duvet covers, shaking with rage and spilling hot chocolate from their 'Harry-Styles-Is-My-Boyfriend' mug. The clumped up decadence dripping onto the cotton, blankety eyes of Louis Tomlinson, drying to look like angry tears of blood. "You made Louis cry blood like a handsome Shroud of Turin, you Coldplay bastard," they probably hollered between staccato'd breath and uncontrollable rage.

Right there and then, Martin should have felt his Karmic balance shift, emanating from the keyboard poundings of a million teenage girls, he should have felt a tingling in the atmosphere and refused the award, calmly uttering that Coldplay don't deserve this. This is One Direction's award.

But Coldplay's Chris Martin did not do this. Instead, he began to thank One Direction and then, just for the LOLs, he pretended that Coldplay were One Direction, reeling of the 1D names of his own band. And in doing so he made two big mistakes.

1) He said that Zayn was still a member of One Direction. Zayn IS NOT a member of One Direction any more.

2) He FORGOT Louis Tomlinson is a member of One Direction. 

Poor, poor sweet Louis. With his hair so soft and eyes so deep, and recognition so fleeting. The Directioners felt this pain, symbolic in their hot chocolate stained Louis duvets and they told Twitter about it. Because that is how young people solve their problems.

Feast on their anger...


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Jordan Waller

Jordan is the Deputy Editor of ShortList Magazine. A greying Yorkshireman in London with a passing interest in sleight of hand. He was once ‘air-head-butted’ by Willem Dafoe and it was as terrifying as you’d imagine. Follow Jordan on Twitter: @JordanFWaller

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