For the week commencing 08/05/18
Brain swelling. Head expanding. Eyes bulging. Mind blowing. All these things and more (watch out downstairs) will be happening to you if you read this week’s collection of exciting, shocking, downright STUPENDOUS news. Enjoy, but try not to die!
Rambo is coming back everybody, and he’s NAT happy (probably)
Yep, Stallone has announced the fifth installment in his famous Rambo franchise, and this time, he’s in… Mexico! Expect to see: shooting, punching, maybe like one kick cos he’s quite old isn’t he, stabbing, driving, shouting and a bit where he takes his top off and erm, it’s a bit gross how muscly he is actually.
Read more here
Power ballads can be quite emotional, don’t you know?
Nowt wrong with a big old cry at an overwrought rock classic now, is there? This is something that author Dan Dalton discovered when he first heard ‘Always’ by Bon Jovi at the age of 11. So he wrote a big piece about it for us, and you can read it on THIS VERY WEBSITE THAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY ON RIGHT NOW.
All you have to do is click here
The world’s greatest job has just become available, and once this article is written, you better believe they’ll be getting one more application
Sipsmith - that really nice gin company - are running a bunch of ‘ginternships’, which will enable you to drink gin and get paid for it. You know how normally when you drink gin you don’t get paid for it? Well, in this case you will. You know how normally when you drink gin you have to actively pay for it? Well, in this case, you won’t, because you’re actively getting paid for it.
Paid to drink gin, stupid careers advisor never mentioned this, the snake.
Real, proper, concrete Peaky Blinders news has been thrust upon us, rejoice!
It involves: how many more serieseseseses we’ll be seeing, rumours of a ballet (yep) based on the show and a distinct lack of actual release dates!
Read all about it here
You can now pay people to professionally fool your friends into thinking that you live an in-any-way interesting life
Or maybe you can’t. What? Suppose you had better:
Click on the highlighted word here and find out what the hell we’re banging on about
Oh hello Bill, hello Ted, lovely to see you after all this time
Yep, that’s right, a sequel to Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey has finally been greenlit, so we can finally find out exactly what our two bros have been up to in the intervening years.
Interesting though, how Alex Winter has aged like a normal human being, but Keanu Reeves has the looks of an immortal vampire and has exactly the same face. That’s gonna look weird, isn’t it?
Read more here
Robots can now pretend to be human so well that you won’t be able to tell the difference, aka WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE UNDERNEATH THEIR METAL BOOTS
Essentially, Google have invented an AI assistant that can actually phone people for you. Yeah, big whoop, you say, big massive whoop from Planet Whoop. Yeah, but then you hear it, and your spine chills to zero degrees because this robot sounds exactly like a human, and there is no way on earth that you would ever be able to spot it. It’s horrible, it must be stopped, and it will be phoning up hitmen to kill you before we know it.
Listen to the bringer of your death here
Movie clichés are good, actually, so you better listen up
Sometimes it’s nice to sit back and watch a movie that is going to give you exactly what you want, on repeat, for an hour and a half without even a hint of an original thought or idea. Sometimes, it is very nice thank you very much, to spend a bit of time with something extremely familiar. As such, we have listed the 19 movie cliches that are actually great, and should never disappear. If you are the type of person who orders a korma every single time you get a curry, you will like this list.
Read it here
Details of the new Harley Quinn movie have been revealed, and it sounds VIOLENT *piaow piaow piaow*
What they’ve done is this: Deadpool was violent and sweary and it made loads of money, so let’s make Harley Quinn violent and sweary and the exact same thing will happen. Will it? Who knows!
Read more here
The world’s worst 2 minutes of video is currently on the Shortlist.com website
Would you like to watch it? Like, it’s actually the worst. You won’t be able to get through it. It is SO gross. Genuinely impressed if anyone can stomach the entirety of its length.
Watch - are you sure you want to do this - the clip, which is obviously from Come Dine With Me, here
Watching someone else’s disgusting first date is predictably quite awkward
Thankfully, most of us don’t have to witness it. Bartenders on the other hand, they do, they absolutely do. And so we asked a bunch of them for their most cringe-worthy stories.
Read them here, if you really fancy feeling horrible and awkward and maybe even a bit sick
It would be very fun and nice and cool to be best friends with The Rock, wouldn’t it? Answer: yes
Novelist David Whitehouse is, he actually is best friends with The Rock, and he’s written all about it so that us lonely, lowly, friendless melons can at least live vicariously through him. It sounds all very exciting, if you ask us.
Imagine what it’s actually like to have a mate who isn’t a hooting dickhead, here