Putting clothes on is so fun, it really is - like, just popping your head through a head-hole and then slipping your arms into some sleeves, that’s so great. Putting one leg into one side of some jeans, and then just throwing piss to the wind and putting your other goddamn leg into the other side - it’s a whale of a time. Sometimes, if you’re really on the lookout for some reckless fun, try putting BOTH feet into a pair of shoes and just walking around in them, it’s a heady experience and one you won’t soon forget.
As such, and to encourage you to take part in this pursuit, here are some clothes that - if you want - you can literally put on. Don’t forget to wear a helmet though!
Nice jacket, lovely, simple, versatile jacket right there. Nice bit of khaki for your pleasure, nip it over quite a lot of different things if you like, and it’ll compliment it. Fun zip, that, too. Always nice to have a fun zip, ain’t that the truth.
Look at the material there, that’s lovely, isn’t it? Sharp but soft, like some sort of wetsuit hoodie - I want it on my body immediately, if at all possible.
Note: Best not to wear this if you are actually going diving, for it will not keep you warm nor provide any sort of streamlining effect to help you propel yourself through the water.
The original penny loafer, the Weejun from G.H Bass, has been given a dash of faux croc-print to jazz up those tiny little flippers of yours. Socks or no socks? Up to you, but if you’re tempted to wear white ones, then just remember that it will unavoidably cause you to look like a Michael Jackson impersonator, a thing that is only cool in about 6% of circles.
Buy this and the money goes to charity, thereby guaranteeing you a spot in Heaven, rather than Hell, which is where you’ll end up if you don’t buy it. Not my rules, that’s just the way it goes, I’m afraid.
Big fan of gold watches, as they are absolutely no longer tacky. Whip a gold Del Boy watch on and you’re sorted for whatever outfit you’ve got on the rest of your body - it’s a classic style and should be your next wrist-based purchase. And if on the off-chance you are also a big fan of Mickey Mouse, then this particular one should zoom straight to the top of the list. Lovely stuff.
If we’re talking ugly trainers, then you’ve got a pair here that falls within that camp whilst also being rather aesthetically pleasing. It bridges the gap, it is a mediator, a peacemaker between two schools of trainer thought - encase your feet within the conciliatory embrace of this true all-rounder. Sit on that fence, and sit on it with pride!
NICE BIG RED JUMPER WITH EXTRA NECK ON IT BYE
Looking for a classic style that’ll never run out of steam? Look no further and snap up a Chelsea boot sharpish. Wear ‘em with some slim black jeans turned up or down, and you’ve got yourself a smart-casual look at absolutely no effort at all. So simple, yet so good.
Also - and I’m 27% sure about this - you get free drinks all night at any bar in Chelsea if you wear them. Try it out this weekend, but whatever you do, do NOT blame me if everything goes wrong and you are once again the laughing stock at the entrance of a club.
Whisper it: you are allowed to wear baggy jeans again. Better get those Spliffy jeans out the attic - knew they’d come in handy one day!
A v-neck? We’re recommending a v-neck? This ain’t Geordie Shore season one! Luckily it’s OK because this is a lovely bit of understated cashmere, and we’re talking a classic v here, not some cleavage-baring drop-neck monstrosity - this is simply a good jumper. Looks warm as well, don’t it? Lovely and warm for winter, WHICH IS ALREADY HERE, APOLS.
Oh hello, hello you two, how are you? I just thought I’d say - and I hope you don’t think I’m overstepping the mark here - that you are so beautiful I could cry. I would like to put my feet in you if that’s OK? Like, you are SO FIT.
That is what I would say to these shoes if I encountered them in the wild. Spanish/Welsh masters of suede Veras have teamed up with Mancunian master of putting his hands behind his back and leaning over a microphone, Liam Gallagher, and his clothing brand Pretty Green, to create these beauties. I urge you to flirt with them too.