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52 weeks of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson: Week 3

Dwayne is now aware of this very column

52 weeks of Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson: Week 3
22 January 2018

Well, dear readers, dear listeners, dear fans, dear Lord, what a week it’s been at The Rock Report.

Ease yourself into a soft chair. Rest your legs. Crack open a fat one. Let’s go.

Though this week saw him post a few characteristically characterful Instagram vids, it’s fair to say that The Rock was temporarily preoccupied with a photoshoot he was doing for Under Armour. His Instagram was, momentarily, a bit of a branded content zone.

When it wasn’t, however, there were some gems for us to guzzle up. On 12 January, in another video filmed aboard what is presumably his personal jet, The Rock sat behind a table and, in dangerously David Brentian tones, began a motivational speech with the words “So – the funny thing about success…” Going on to explain that there is a great deal of behind-the-scenes pressure that comes with success, he admitted that he is no less immune than anyone to the weight of this expectation.

What’s commendable about The Rock – sorry, one of the 12,898 commendable things about The Rock – is that on Instagram he captions his videos with passages entirely distinct from the words he says in the associated video. It would be easy, wouldn’t it, for multimillionaire Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson to ask a lowly minion to listen back to his mellifluous voice, transcribe it verbatim, and use this as a caption. It would be easy, wouldn’t it, for Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson to caption his videos with things like ‘Here’s me, The Rock, again picking up and moving metal’, or ‘Success – it is hard’. But no, no, no, no, no, NO! From The Rock’s mouth comes wisdom. And from his fingers? A different kind of wisdom.

Announcing the Under Armour shoot on 13 January – it is rare, we learn, that The Rock lets other human beings arrange photoshoots in his gym (he’s a private man - only he and his 99 million Instagram followers see inside his gym) – The Rock tells us that over the past six months he has been ‘cranky’ because of the diet this shoot demanded. 

Imagine The Rock’s cranky side by side with your cranky. The Rock’s cranky involves posting three motivational Instagram videos a day and telling his millions of fans how grateful he is that they’ve made his latest project a global hit. Your cranky involves planning to kill the person who looks at you on the District line and telling your flatmate to fuck off when she drops a fork.

Those who choose to comment underneath The Rock’s posts continue to be endlessly good value. Under this photo, taken by The Rock on 13 January, someone called ‘weird_hand’ said “I’m a hand can we get to know some?” Imagine being The Rock. You are The Rock. Under a photo of you standing next to a car, an Instagram account that seems to be managed by a hand is asking you if they can “get to know some”. It’s not like The Rock doesn’t respond to any of these hundreds of comments. He does. He must therefore see comments like this and think, “Hm, well, I think that’s a person pretending to be a hand. Bit weird. Probably ignore that.” 

Under this photo a user called schmiddy8513 had a message for The Rock: “All u truely care about is your self … U make me sick” [sic]. schmiddy8513 likes to fire unsavoury accusations at The Rock under his Instagram posts, and it’s a shame because, as is demonstrably apparent, The Rock reads these comments. He’s human. If you cut him, does he not bleed?

On 15 January, The Rock ventured into practical jokes – exciting territory for us here at The Rock Report, where we love to see people punk’d and prank’d. Arriving at the gym in preparation for his Under Armour shoot, The Rock thought that he would confuse the waiting photographers. Instead of parking, which is what any reasonable person would expect him to do as he pulled up, he only went and bloody reversed the car - back the way he came.

The dozens of ‘LMAO’s and expressions of laughter under this video are proof that when you’re famous, you will forever be surrounded by a thick wall of sycophants and imbeciles. I mean no offence to The Rock, but this practical joke was sub-par and warranted not a shriek of laughter but a look of disappointment. Not only that, but boy was it irresponsible. Using your phone while driving, even if it’s to commune with your 99 million Instagram followers, is a serious offence in many countries. Were he to have pulled this little stunt in Oman, he would have been jailed for 10 days. Trinidad and Tobago? Three months in prison, buddy. Something to think about.

Finally, in Any Other Business, a quick announcement. We knew that it was only a matter of time before The Rock got wind of The Rock Report. Quality content always finds its audience. We didn’t expect, however, that it would get sucked into his monstrous orbit within a fortnight.

It bloody did though.

Over on Twitter, on 16 January, a mere two weeks after The Rock Report was born, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson tweeted about The Rock Report’s second installation, commending it as an ‘entertaining read’ but seemingly calling into question the endurance of the ShortList team. “You sure you wanna do this my friends” – yes that’s right, FRIENDS – “at ShortList?” he asked. “I’m a busy, loving, laughing, happy, intense and complicated bunny. Not sure that’s newsworthy.”

Rest assured, Mr The Rock. Yes. Yes we do wanna do this. And buddy we’re not stopping any time soon. We’re in it for the long haul. And we’d like to think you would admire our commitment.

Stay hungry, stay humble.

(Main image: Rex)