Best literary insults: fantastic written down put-downs
How to offend someone, by the book.
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We all know the saying. If you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all. It was drummed into many of us as kids. But although we’d like to say that we maintain this mantra, unfortunately we love nothing more than a particular cutting quip or insult.
Our excuse for such verbal volleys? If it’s good enough for literature then it’s good enough for us. In this list you'll find our top picks of the best literary insults, from the early days of Shakespeare to some of our modern favourites.
Have we missed off your most tantalising literary putdown? Make sure you add it below.
Best literary insults
“If you will forgive me for being personal… I don’t like your face.”
“Thou woldest make me kisse thyn old breech, And swere it were a relyk of a saint, Though it were with thy fundement depeint!… I wolde I hadde thy coillons in myn hond… Lat kutte hem of”(“You’d have me kiss your old trousers and swear they were the relic of a saint, even though they’re stained with your s—… I wish I had your balls in my hand… I’d cut them off.
“You teach me now how cruel you've been—cruel and false. Why did you despise me? Why did you betray your own heart, Cathy? I have not one word of comfort. You deserve this. You have killed yourself. Yes, you may kiss me, and cry; and wring out my kisses and tears: they'll blight you—they'll damn you.”
"Rumour had it that he was homosexual; in reality, in recent years, he was simply a garden-variety alcoholic."
"As if happened, I knew Gartrell. He was a bad painter and a vicious gossip, with a vocabulary composed almost entirely of obscenities, guttural verbs, and the word 'postmodernist'."
"You're a beast and a swine and a bloody, bloody thief!"
"That is such crap. How dare you be so fraudulently flirtatious, cowardly and dysfunctional? I am not interested in emotional f***wittage. Goodbye."
- Literature's greatest opening paragraphs - the best opening lines in novels
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As Content Director of Shortlist, Marc likes nothing more than to compile endless lists of an evening by candlelight. He started out life as a movie writer for numerous (now defunct) magazines and soon found himself online - editing a gaggle of gadget sites, including TechRadar, Digital Camera World and Tom's Guide UK. At Shortlist you'll find him mostly writing about movies and tech, so no change there then.